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Money and friends

Ruby2 1
Community Member

Hi all,

Feeling a little confused and overwhelmed at the moment.

My husband died 6 months ago from lung cancer.

I have recently been diagnosed with lung cancer and am undergoing surgery tomorrow.

My best friend of over 45yrs has asked me for a loan for $44k to help her start a business.

I denied her request and now find she is not returning my calls etc.

Was I wrong? I don't have much,nor do I own property. Very confused and upset at turn of events.

5 Replies 5

Hi Ruby,

Welcome back to the forums. We're so sorry to hear about your diagnosis in addition to this turn of events with your best friend. We can understand why this would leave you feeling confused and upset, especially at such a turbulant time in your life. 

If you find yourself needing to talk it out tonight, we'd recommend getting in touch with Lifeline. Lifeline is a national charity providing all Australians experiencing emotional distress with access to 24 hour crisis support and suicide prevention services. You can call them 24/7 on 13 11 14, or chat with them online 7pm-midnight AEDT - https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/

We wish you all the best for your surgery tomorrow. We hope you can find some comfort and good sleep tonight. 

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Ruby21,

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. To be honest, I can’t believe that someone would even ask you such a thing in the situation that you are currently in. $44k is also an exorbitant amount to ask anyone. I’ve only ever been asked for money from two people in my life, and both of them were pretty ordinary about paying it back. In my experience, the people who are so fine with asking people for money are generally pretty loose with these things so I’ve made a habit of not lending money anymore if someone asks. However, if someone tells me their situation and I decide to lend to them that’s different. My point is, I think you were right to deny the request, and I think your friend was wrong to ask for a) such a large sum of money and b) to put you in such a situation knowing what you are currently going through. I may be wrong but it seems a bit opportunistic to me.

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Ruby2 1~

Going in for an operation like yours is a very frightening thing, and I'm sorry you are faced with it.

It can also be a very frightening thing for others. I believe you mentioned you had adult children, they are probably most frightened too, fearing loosing their mum, I hope they are able to give you support.

A friendship of 45 years is no small thing, and during that time in all probability you do get to know a person well - for normal situations.

It might be worth cutting your friend some slack for now.

I quite agree asking for money was completely inappropriate, and you did the right thing in refusing. In any case you have no idea what is ahead of you and now is not the time for big financial decisions.

It may be possible your friend's erratic behavior and failure to talk with you since could be a reaction of grief, feeling the onset of being alone, then shame. I'm not saying that is the case, however if she was acting very much out of the character then it might be a possibility.

Do you think one of your children might have a word with her and see what it's all about?

I wish you the very best for your op (and for that friendship too)


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Ruby, my deepest sorry for not only the loss of your husband but also for you having to suffer the same disease, my heart goes out to you.

A friend no matter how long you have known them and I'm sure you both have supported each other in the good times as well the days where all you wanted was to be held by them over a period of 45 years, shouldn't expect and certainly isn't entitled to ask for a loan in that amount of money.

Friendship can extend a great deal over time, but asking you for that enormous amount is ridiculous with the possibility of needing more, and the chance of it being returned back to you may be unlikely, as I've experienced myself with a brother in law.

You are not in any way in the wrong, friendship is about morally supporting a friend at any time that's needed, but this doesn't include lending out vast amounts of money.

Lending money only creates people to eventually become not friends any more.

Take care.


Community Champion
Community Champion

RubyI too want to extend my deepest sympathy on the loss of your husband.

I am sorry you are ill and face an operation,

Geoff,Croix and Juliet and Sophie have all given helpful suggestions.

Your friend has put you in an awkward position . After 45 years of being your friend did this seem out of character for her.

Take care