Missing my daughter who lives overseas

[Luvmydog]

Our daughter moved to the UK 3 years ago. At first temporarily on a 2 year visa, then her work place sponsored her for 5 years, and she has fallen in love with a Portuguese man. They are living together & plan on marrying.

I am struggling terribly missing her. I have up & down times with this & at the moment am very sad.

What i stuggle with is not knowing if she will ever come back to Australia to live. I see a sad future where we only see each other once a year or so. It fills me with such sadness to think I won't see her or any grandchildren on a regular basis. And when we're too old to travel or it's too expensive for her to come back, what then?

She had to return to Aus to wait for her visa approval & during that time she was cold & distant, not wanting to spend time with us & reverting to teenage behaviour staying in the bedroom etc. This was very hurtful to us both especially as she was only here for such a short time. She was angry that we had not given her the money to fly back while she waited for her visa & that she didn't feel supported by us in her decision. We could have afforded to pay, but i felt that if it was something she wanted, she should make it happen herself. We went to a counsellor a couple of times while she was home. I didn't click with the person really & I didn't really get to say what i felt in front of my daughter because I was too upset & spent most of the time crying.

We've had a great holiday in europe with them both & they came home for Christmas.

Our relationship has improved massively, esp since we visited over there & met her boyfriend. He's lovely & we like him a lot. we skype every week & she often rings when she's walking to work, & we text regularly. She was very upset when they went back to London after Christmas & sobbed when we all said goodbye. Saying goodbye is so hard for everyone, it's almost too much to bear.

I know she misses us & home & loves us. We are planning on a half way trip to see each other later this year.

The get togethers aren't enough for me though. I miss not being able to have coffees & go shopping or seeing her when she'd drop in on her way home from work. All that stuff we used to have.

I keep busy, see friends, I go to work. But I'm still not coping. What else can I do? The separation & uncertainty are horrible.

[Croix]

Dear Luvmydog~

I'm not sure there as a real answer to this sort of situation, you love your daughter and you are apart. Looking at it logically the only real way to be closer full time is for one of you to shift countries, which might not be that good a thing anyway.

At present you have a loving relationship - both you and your daughter are lucky. It is however based upon a degree of physical distance. Being always together things might be wonderful, or they might become strained, much as they did when she came home for her visa.

It sounds as if your daughter and her fiancee are keen to maintain contact with you, visiting over Christmas and now planning in that half way meet. All that is pretty good. As for expenses in the future, even if your resources become strained there is nothing to say they won't be in a position to help.

OK, that's all the logical stuff, it still leaves you, and maybe your husband too, in a situation where you are grieving at the loss. From the sound of it you already know what to do. Firstly maintain contact as best you can via Skype, calls, emails (letter writing can become quite an art) etc and secondly have as fulfilling and productive a life of your own as you can.

I'd agree it is not great substitute however grief does subside and other things can be used firstly to mask it, and later on to lessen its effect. Interaction with others might the key. Have you ever thought of taking up art, mentoring a younger person, or being involved with animals? (your name is a bit of a give-away:)

I did not really pick up on your mention of "uncertainty", would you like to say what you meant?

Croix

[white knight]

Hi luvmydog

I can only imagine my daughter living on the other side of the world, I'd be devastated.

Criox put it well in his post and eluded later about distraction. Essentially filling your life with activities so your thoughts arent fuelled by be idle is one of the few bandaid treatments you could do.

Google

Topic: distraction and variety- beyondblue

Topic: worry worry worry- beyondblue

I hope that helps. Its a difficult situation and you have every reason to feel in grief. We are here if you want to talk further.

Tony WK