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My wife and I have recently found out she has had a miscarriage, she was still very early on in pregnancy but it was planned. This was our first attempt but she never had a doubt that anything like this would happen. She doesn’t want to tell anyone and barely talks about it with me, but has spent the last week swinging from saying she doesn’t care and she’s ok to non-stop crying and not speaking at all. She has also said she never wants to try again as she never wants to go through this again.
At this point it hasn’t affected me, I felt a slight sense of loss but I think I was a lot more aware that complications might occur so I haven’t taken it badly.
I feel guilty for not feeling worse in a way and am unsure of how to help my wife deal with her feelings.
Has anyone else been in this situation and has any advice?
Welcome to the forums, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be really tough to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage to do so. We're so sorry to hear what you and your wife have been through, and we can hear that your wife must be feeling really devastated right now. Please know that you've come to a safe space to talk about these thoughts and feelings and our wonderful community is here to offer as much support and advice as you need.
You might also like to get in touch with an organisation called SANDS who can offer support and advice to help both you and your wife through this difficult time. They have 24/7 phone support available on 1300 072 637, as well as online support and helpful resources on their website: https://www.sands.org.au/
You're also always welcome to reach out to the friendly counsellors at our Support Service who are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or you can visit www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport for online chat. They will be able to talk things through with you and offer advice and referrals to help support you and your wife.
We hope that you keep checking back in with us to let us know how you are going, whenever you feel up to it.
someone dear to me has had a miscarriage and she said she wants people to acknowledge her loss. Just saying I am sorry for your loss can help.
if you contact pink elephants they are a support group for people who have had miscarriages.
Just let you wife talk and listen if she wants to and explain how you feel to,
First, I wish to acknowledge what a beautiful person you are, coming here in search of direction and support for your wife. She's incredibly blessed to have you.
Second, my heart goes out to you both as you grieve this loss and the future you were both looking forward to, based on this pregnancy.
I regard myself as fortunate in a way when it came to how my pregnancies played out. What I mean by this is the fact that my first experience with pregnancy saw my daughter being born, therefor I had no doubt I was able to see a pregnancy through to full term. I experienced 2 miscarriages (at around the 8 week and 12 week stage) before my son was born a few years later. I can only imagine that loss during the first pregnancy holds a number of unique challenges.
I found my losses took me on quite an emotional roller coaster, one day feeling like I'd come to terms with such loss, whereas the next day grieving what was not to be, also asking myself 'What's wrong with me?!'. This question/statement can become incredibly depressing. Eventually, something led me to try and make sense of my experience. I borrowed a couple of books from the library, one on the emotional loss, regarding miscarriage, and the other on the physical reasons for miscarriage. While accused of being obsessive, these proved to be the 2 resources that got me through as they helped me make greater sense of things. Each to their own. Whatever works becomes the key to unlocking a different mindset.
If there are 2 things I learned from such experiences, one involves the fact that it doesn't matter what stage of the pregnancy we're at, when we're so desperately looking forward to bringing a life into this world, the loss can feel overwhelming. Having your pain validated is incredibly important. The 2nd, very straight to the point - when there's a bun in the oven and the recipe/chemistry's not right, the oven will cease the baking process. The body is incredibly efficient in this way, yet the mind can be brutal at the same time.
While many women typically have fearless pregnancies, those who've experienced miscarriage can experience fear with the pregnancies that follow. It was the intense desire to have another child which led me to be more fearless. It is brave for a woman to try again. It is courageous.
To lead your wife to wonder what will make the difference at this painful time and to lead her to see herself as courageous are 2 things you have the power to do.
Again, you are beautiful 🙂