mental game is not strong

gemmi · ‎22-09-2017

This is really hard for me, I always talk about how important mental health is and I thought I had mine sorted out and was winning with copying, However, the last few weeks I realise I am losing my mental health and try as I may my boyfriend just isn't the one I can talk to about it. So here goes.

Last year I fell pregnant unexpectedly just after me and bf got back together. I was stoked. Him not so much. What came after was a week of full blown depression, anxiety and a feeling of no control. He didnt want it fair enough but the pressure he put on me to have an abortion was intense. I actually feel like this pressure and pain forced a miscarry. I lost it, I was devastated and I didn't talk about it. He said maybe we can try next year. So being the girl that I am I held onto that 1 year promise. It wasnt a promise it was just his way of helping me deal. But it actually made me count weeks, months, waiting for that. 1 year later he isn'd ready still and I have become desperate. I get a late period, I get a niggle in my stomach and I run out and buy a pregnancy test. All which come back negative sending me into a deeper hole of sadness then I think, maybe next month.

I constantly bring this up with him, and he says he can not give me a time frame. But that is all I really need. Just an idea so I can work towards that dream. But he says it would be lying to himself if he gave me one.

I long for a baby. But I also long for a baby with him. He is my sole mate and I don't want to do it without him. I do push these thoughts away, they are destruction. How do I be happy for my newly pregnant friends with out feeling jealous.

thanks

Jessicatherese94 · ‎22-09-2017

Hi Gemmi, I think if having a baby is really important to you, you need to sit down with your partner and properly explain all this to him. Even just saying something like "As I'm sure you know, eventually I want to have a child. Not knowing when this may or may not happen is making me very anxious, and I just need some confirmation from you that we both want the same thing." Relationships are all about articulating your feelings and really speaking clearly about what you want. If you need a time frame for peace of mind, don't be afraid to ask for it. If he is really your soul mate he should be trying to ease your anxiety, I feel. I think clear and consistent communication is necessary. Hope it all turns out okay.

SubduedBlues · ‎22-09-2017

Hi Gemmi

IMHO it's really difficult for most men to identify when they want to have children. They fear that if they set a date, that they will cop all of the blame each month a pregnancy doesn't occur. That over stresses him, and subsequently reduces his fertility... so it becomes a downward spiral of let downs.

Perhaps you can approach this from a different angle, and ask him when he might be ready to stop trying to not have a child. Then, if a pregnancy occurs great. If not, no additional stress for it not happening.

Hope this helps
SB

ps: a helpful hint for men wanting to increase their virility... avoid anything that keeps your testes close to your body or extra warm. When sperm are exposed to elevated temperatures, they begin to die. If your testes are kept too warm for too long then it can affect sperm production processes, causing your body to produce fewer or defective sperm.

Sad_Puppy_Dog · ‎24-09-2017

I'll try to offer a confessed male perspective and see if it helps.

First, I totally empathise with you and I can imagine your dreams and yearnings. I have and still do share those. I also absolutely agree that your partner needs to have a talk to really see if you both want the same things. People might change their mind sure and it is a big step in life (You sound youngish, early 20's my guess?) but it is good to see if you are on the same page. If not, that can prove difficult.

I have always wanted a partner and kids. As a kid I thought I'd be there by 25. At 37, I still don't. I was with my partner (Until last Oct) from '09. It wasn't until maybe 31, 32 that I finally started trying for kids with her. See, I want kids but I was also scared. The responsibility scared me. One my partner was pregnant, that's it, no turning back. That is kind of what stopped me from actively trying any earlier. And even after we began officially trying, I developed a complex in my mind. I knew that the clock was ticking and my partner was worried about her biological clock, plus I also hoped not to get too far into my 30's to be a dad. But the war within my mind also meant that the fear sometimes ruled, so I might find myself avoiding being intimate with my partner or my mind wasn't fully in the moment when we were. I was thinking too much. I never really did anything about it. It got stupidly complicated and it shouldn't have. Sad turn of events.

My partner broke up with me, feeling neglected and had given up on the idea of being a mother with her own child. This is after so much time hearing her saying how she wanted me to the the father of her child.

After that trauma last yr, I had a very short lived but wonderful relationship with a younger girlfriend. I casually asked her about her thoughts on kids for the future and she wanted them. Something to think about later, not to rush in. But at least we knew we both wanted them. Unfortunately she ended it several months ago and I'm not even close to being over her.

Anyway, your partner sounds a bit different to me. But, he might have shards of the fear and concern I have had and you might learn some of this if you can talk to him.

I can see how important a child is in your life goals and you want to have someone that wants that as much as you do.