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Married, devastated as recently broke up emotional extra marital affair

Maa
Community Member

Hi

I don’t know what to do with myself so trying to get help on this forum. It’s a long story so please bear with me. I am married with 3 kids and a loving husband. My marriage has its ups and downs but never ever thought of leaving my husband.

So my story Last year in December I got a text from the man I once loved 18 years ago wishing me “happy birthday”. I was excited to see that oh! he still remembers me and thinks about me. I replied and as he lives overseas and we were not in touch for last 18 years (except for inquiring about each other’s lives occasionally from a common friend) we started catching up via text message. He told me how he never got over me and till date thinks about me and I m always his first love. Slowly we started talking everyday. I felt 16 again, I was floating, blissful, talking to him was like my lifeline. Though we are 5000kms apart but he became part of me to a point that I woke up in the morning so could text him and slept at night to dream of him. The feeling were the same on the other side too. Then in July I went overseas with my family for a holiday and I met him for a coffee. There was nothing physical between us but we hugged each other and held hands. I came back to Australia with promises we made to each other that we will never end this beautiful friendship and believed we are true soulmates. Then in November he tells me that his wife has starting doubting him as he is on his ph a lot and she is making his life miserable by questioning him all the time. I asked him” should we end it”, he said no but we should slow down but he just stopped texting me altogether and told our common friend to take care of me and that he cannot continue.

I m devestated now, I m heartbroken, can sometimes physically feel my heart aching. I sleep crying thinking about him and wake up crying. I m so occupied with my grief, anger and loss that I just can’t function. My husband is worried for me as he is clueless why I m acting like this. My pain is so bad that sometimes I feel like hurting myself so he finds out and contacts me again. I m trying everything, meditation, exercise but nothing is helping. I know I should concentrate on my family and kids but I just can’t whatever I do I m so obsessed with his thoughts that I can’t. Everyday seems so long and empty like my life.

14 Replies 14

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

Many posts here are from people that need professional medical guidence, you are one of them imo.

You already know you can distract yourself but that doesnt work. You are crying uncontrollably etc. It all points to needing serious help as your emotions are out of control.

I'd like you to accept that once your thoughts are back under control life settles down and the suicidal thoughts are a distant memory. In fact you'll be grateful you held on and ended up with a more appropriate perspective.

Keep safe. Post when you feel like it.

TonyWK

Maa
Community Member
Thank u so much for your kind words. I have spoken to 2 friends abt it. They listened to me patiently but then they don’t understand as they just say get over it, he wasn’t worth wasting your time. I know it but my thoughts are not in my control. I have never had any mental health problem before, was very happy with my life till this man left me. Do you this with time the pain will go or should I seek medical advice

lilly2016
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hello White Knight, I know this feeling, I have been here before, sleepless nights, a feeling of loss, and a feeling of helplessness, it's the same feeling as being ghosted almost, emotional torture. I felt so tortured for weeks, I built up a fantasy in my mind that didn't exist yet i couldn't let it go, I wanted to feel wanted and loved and that excitement that I was lacking in my everyday life by someone that I thought knew me. I couldn't bare for him not to text me any more and I was so frustrated when it all stopped because I felt it was the only thing keeping me going, the only thing giving me the happiness I needed, I was miserable without the texts. I think you should seek counseling, I did and it helped a lot. I know how hard it is to let go but once you do you will be relieved, even though you can't see that yet. One day out of the blue a couple of months later he texted me again and I thought I would be so excited, relieved but I wasn't. The grass is not always greener on the other side, for me I built something huge inside my heart that was never there to begin with even though I thought it was. You will get through this and start to focus on life around you. I know how you feel and I feel for you.

lilly2016
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Sorry that post was supposed to be directed to Maa.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Maa, can I offer you a warm welcome to the forums but your thread is a sad one, something I can certainly relate to, as I've been divorced for about 18 to 20 years but married for 25 years.

I really hoped the same would happen to us, but we could never live together again, because all the same problems would surface, sure the love was there, but we had to overcome those hic-ups.

We still talk and see each other, have a laugh and nothing has changed, but that's different than living together.

Hope to hear back from you, but I'm about to log off as I start early at 12.30 am to 1.00 am and have bookmarked your thread.

Geoff.

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Maa

Time is a great healer but it is limited. Therapy helps you rebuild those emotional building blocks that never matured in the first place...like cognitive therapy.

I know this as emotionally I was immature when young. At 17 I was in the RAAF, at 21 a prison officer and so forth but that wasnt my emotional side. At 21 I was around 15yo in maturity.

Lilly makes a fine point, the grass looks greener on the other side. For a mum of 3, a good marriage etc then to be drawn back into a fantasy of infatuation means your real deep down issues need addressing professionally.

I know this as I had a similar feeling towards a lady when in my early 20's for 6 years. She had psych issues and every week, even more often she'd leave a note of leaving me. I'd get home and she'd be gone. Imagine my anxiety. Then return 2 days later.

I loved her but, if I thought with my mind and not my heart I'd have left her within a few months. 20 years later I, by chance bumped into her. We had coffee. I just had to know if her more recent relationships endured the same notes and coming and going, they had! Many of them. She seemed the most perfect person but she wasnt.

The level of attachment I had with her was extraordinary and self destructive. To me, no other woman filled the void...but they did.

Such a thinking disorder, world of fantasy with infatuation can come at great cost to your little family. It also points towards something missing in your marriage that could be rekindled.

I also sought therapy for another issue. I know the benefits of such guidence. But time itself didn't work for you last time?

I'm 62yo. Ive had 4 long term relationships over 6 years each including 2 marriages. I'm extremely happy this time. My thoughts of that first relationship lingers because she was my first true love. Theoretically if I linked up with her again we'd last a couple of weeks only, it would implode...why? Because the negatives would return that lust covers up. Commonsense goes on holidays in such circumstances.

In theory we could fall in love with 1 in every 20 people. The love level would vary. Some that we'd end up infatuated with would not be ideal to live our lives with. Some that we love but wont ever be fully "in" love with might be long term marriage material...but they'd be a void there.

Then there is family. Family is like freedom sometimes. ..we only know its true value when it slips through our fingers.

TonyWK

Maa, it's funny how the mind works, in my situation I felt I had been lacking excitement, real love, compassion, but marriage unfortunately can become boring as all hell, but there just crappy lapses of insecurities, boredom. I addressed the issues with my partner of ten years, he was so confused, just imagine for a second, telling your husband everything and how you would feel towards him and undoubtedly how he would feel towards you, would the outcome scare you? It did me. I used to think this guy was the most exciting thing there was, I was so wrong. I missed the feeling of falling in love, but I wanted it all and unfortunately you cannot have it all, it's one or the other. It ends in tragedy. All the best.

Maa
Community Member

Hi lily2016

your words are so soothing. I am feeling the same right now, want him to text me so so bad and wondering 24/7 if he’s missing me too or has he just moved on. The feelings are so mixed, one minute I feel angry and the next minute I start missing him. I just want to lie down and cry all the time but have to pretend in front of hubby that it’s hormonal. Omg when will I get out of it.

lilly2016
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Maa, I am Checking in on you, hoping your feeling a bit better, it takes time.