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Married but feeling single and very alone.
I'd just like to start by saying that I have posted parts this in another site but wanted to post in a local site as well. Also- this is an extremely condensed version of what I wanted to write but I was way over limit. Need to share some issues I am having in my marriage.
Married to my husband for 6 years with 2 boys, 5 and 2. Both sets of parents live in other states. I am a stay at home Mum, my H works 14 hr days, 6 days a week and every long weekend. I found out a while ago that his salary is based on a 38 hr working week with a reasonable amount of overtime. I confronted him about this and he told me that it was just the way it was and I was going to have to put up with it- his response to most of the issues I bring up.
When I do push an issue and try to resolve it, it ends up in a fight and a few times I have started crying. He has worked himself up until he starts crying as well and sits in front of me and stares at me until I notice him and insists I comfort him.
I once heard a crash in the house and went to check it out. My son had climbed a bookcase and fell bringing 3 shelves of books down on top of him. My H was in the next room and completely ignored our screaming child because he was busy doing important work and got angry with me when I told him that he needed to put our possibly seriously injured child first. A similar situation has once happened in a very busy public setting.
He is constantly bringing up how dirty the house is saying it will attract rats and vermin. The house isn't perfect but livable and I clean the kitchen every night. He once left a coke can on the desk and left it there after I asked him to throw it out. A few days later it was still there and a dead cockroach was next to the desk. I put the cockroach on top of the can where it stayed for 2 weeks until I threw it out. He definitely saw it. (Yes it was immature of me but I was trying to prove a point)
We were once coming back from the airport after visiting family and another passenger got into an argument with staff. H joined in (the way people left the airport had changed slightly). The other passenger got a fine and H was offered one and told them no but he felt "he needed to stick up for what was right". I pulled him back and he got angry with me for not supporting him.
So many more issues that have been going on for over 2 years now and I feel like I have done everything I can to fix things and I have just realised that I am the only one doing anything.
If you went on a break somewhere (either with or without the kids) he may notice the difference between when you are there and when you are not. I am not talking about a day or two - an extended period that enhances your absence (ie. if you wash his clothes - long enough that he has no more clean clothes in the cupboard & has to wash himself). Make it regular so he realises you don't HAVE to be there. Maybe even get a part time job to empower yourself (within) & also show him you are capable of being financially independent. This worked for my mother. My Dad is a whole different person now!
Thankyou for replying. Unfortunately just going out with my friends for a dinner or night out is painful enough. I have to fight to get him to agree to it and even then he makes sure I know how much he has an issue with it as I'm leaving. I only go out a few times a year, yet he is with his friends quite a few times each month- even when it is inconvenient.
I am currently looking for a part time job and looking into further study. Even with all the hours he is doing I still struggle to get the weekly grocery shopping done yet he always has money to go to sporting events, concerts, movies on a regular basis.
Beyond Blue is a really helpful site as I'm new to posting too, if you need to vent or talk to someone immediately the online chat is a great tool to use as well.
Have you tried bringing up marriage counselling? It sounds like you want it to work despite all the problems and your unhappiness. Or counselling for yourself to get some outside support?
Not going to sugar coat it, it sounds like a tough situation to be in. From what you've described he only cares about himself and it is a concern that he didn't attend to your child's injury straight away.
Marriage counselling can seem like a scary and intimidating thing for both sides but I have been told that a lot of couples do it. It would be good to have a mediator so you can both voice your issues and hopefully come up with ways to work it out.
If he throws this idea completely out the window then he needs to work out what he can do to change to become a better father and husband, without throwing a tantrum and crying like you said. But the harsh truth is that some people never change.
If he doesn't want to fix it you need to ask yourself is it worth staying and putting up with a life time of misery from the way he treats you and the kids.
Sorry if my opinion is too harsh, obviously you can't just drop everything and leave I'm not saying that. I just think you deserve better for you and your kids. Have you got any friends close by that could be there to support you as well?
Let us know how you go x
Thankyou W1nn1e, no you haven't been too harsh at all. You were very helpful. Thankyou.
I have spoken to some friends yesterday and was able to go more in-depth and they were disgusted at what I was telling them. I'm definitely going to seek out counselling for myself and set myself up in the new year to be completely independent if it does come down to needing to leave. And try and continue to work on the marriage as best I can.
I agree- Beyond Blue has been a really helpful site and I feel really lucky to be able to use their services available.