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Married but feeling alone and unwanted
This is my first time posting and the only people that know i suffer from depression is my wife and GP.
Ive been on medication for 8 years now and had a lot of ups and downs with it. Things over the last few years feel like there're getting worse especially with my wife.
We seem to be drifting further apart from each other and i have no idea how to fix it.
We have 3 beautiful kids 12, 10 and 7 which seem to be the only common denominator in our relationship. We havent had sex for 2yrs and prior to that it seemed to be bi monthly at best. There is no affection from her side at all not even a kiss, if i try and cuddle her i get pushed away.
When i try and talk about it she just ignors me then we end up having a fight which leaves me feeling like shit.
The couch is getting very uncomfortable these days. Ive recommended we get seperate beds so i can at least sleep and she just says im being ridiculous theres nothing wrong.
Sorry im going on but ive never talked to anyone about this and im having trouble working out what do or say to fix this. I know im trying but its falling on deaf ears.
Firstly, welcome to the forums, good on your for posting and getting your story out. Sometimes than can help subliminally. Just know there is no judgement in these forums, just a lot of friendly people hoping to help you in one way or another.
Your post resonated with me a little as i am experiencing similar in my relationship with my wife, we don't have kids but I can see how what you wrote is causing you these feelings.
Have you both thought about going to see a counsellor, I am seeing one personally and have most recently had a session about my wife and my counsellor wants to get us both in for a session to start working through some of our issues, is that something that may be a possibility for you both? There seems to be some unresolved issues, apologies if i am wrong and maybe a counsellor can help, i have heard a few stories from family members who went to see a counsellor and it helped immensly regarding their marriages.
You seem like a great person who loves his family more than anything and that is great. I really do hope this works out for you and your family, everyone deserves happiness. I do apologise my advice isn't the greatest, i haven't had pure experience in what you are facing, but just know i'm here to talk whenever.
My best for you mate.
Welcome to the forums, Knightsman.
Depression can be hard on relationships. The condition is difficult for sufferers to understand as it often defies the logical mind. It is even more difficult for loved ones to come to terms with. It doesn't mean they don't love you but they feel out of their depth. They end up saying or doing the wrong thing, shrugging it off...or withdrawing altogether to avoid the issue. This of course compounds the problem and only contributes to making you feel inadequate and isolated when what you need is precisely the opposite. Struggling alone is disheartening. You deserve to be heard and understood.
Well done for your courageous attempt to rescue the relationship, I hope your wife can join you in this. Efforts should come from both sides to be successful. If face to face conversation fails, perhaps writing about your feelings in letter form will help convey them across the dividing line. A letter can be edited and read at leisure and without emotional confrontation.
I suggest you let your GP know that your situation is deteriorating. You may need to go on a mental health plan which entitles you to 10 visits to a therapist. This may be extended later if needed. Your wife would be given the opportunity to learn more about what you are up against and how to support you. If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you will find a lot of info about mental illness and how to offer support. Some can be ordered free of charge (check the Facts section).
"Relationships Australia" is also a good site to visit.
Would your wife agree to a counselor's appointment ? A mediator is often necessary to settle disputes. When communication is not good, one on one attempts often end up with unhelpful emotional outbursts.
Meanwhile, exploring the Relationships section of these forums will help. It is a safe place to connect... or just let steam off. You are unfortunately not alone in this feeling of alienation from a loved one. There are many caring people in this community who will be willing to chat and share experiences similar to yours.
Here for you.
I feel so sad for you. This is a horrible situation for you, and I guess he is feeling it in her own way too. Can you remember back to the days when you courted and romanced your wife? As an exercise, is it worth trying a few attempts, say one every few days to reach out without the expectation of physical contact or sex? It might be by way of flowers, or getting your kids to join with you to organise a surprise meal or breakfast, for no particular reason.
I know when I withdraw from my wife, and she feels isolated and cold towards me, I have to reach deep to try something like this. One sure fire winner for me is to buy a voucher for her for a masaage, facial and pedicure. It is not expensive but seems to do the trick because it is personal for her, and gives her a clear message that her wellbeing is important to you and that you do care
Good luck and chin up. Life is not always a bed of roses in our relationships but it is definitely worth persisting, especiall;y for the three kids.
Thank you for letting us know you are moving forward. Your post sounds hopeful, just what we like to read.
Your proactive, positive approach and determination are a credit to you. I hope you will continue to post and let us know how you go. We'll be here to support and cheer you on whenever needed.
Thank you for making my day.
If I can I'd like to offer an alternative slant in terms of marriage and a non-existent sex life. There are other threads here on this common issue but I always like to recommend a couple of short books by an author named Athol Kay. Basically the focus is on creating positive relationship momentum through a number of personal changes. I think this might appeal to you if you've had success in career and sport. Just Google his name