Marriage Problem

[Lsie]

I am 59 yrs of age, and I have been married for nearly 42 years - my husband and I currently live in two different states due to various reasons, but over the last 14 weeks he has only visited for 3 days & constantly has reasons for this.   I am looking after my father and have had to train in a new occupation to obtain work in a small country town.    I have tried to be understanding of his reasons and the emotional issues he is going through, but feel that there is more to this and he has admitted that he isn't sure that he wants to continue with the marriage, but says he still loves me.   Am I pushing him by saying that he needs to make a decision as to what he wants or should I just sit & wait.   I feel we are getting further and further apart, I don't want to loose him, but I also find living like this impossible.   If it has to be over I would like to know sooner rather than later, but get the impression from him that he doesn't want to face these problems.

[white knight]

Hi Lsie, welcome

I see this situation a lot. And those like yourself invariably worry about what their spouse wants to do rather than what they want themselves.

Start thinking about what YOU want. If he isn't returning home regularly enough and its making you feel lonely and separated then its YOU that should take a stand. Not waiting and hoping that he'll 'come to his senses'.

The other possibility is he has commenced a relationship. If you have any thoughts on this some people hire a private investigator to find out.

Consider all options. Consider a quick trip interstate to join him even if its 24 hours then return.

If his emotional issues are temporary then he has a responsibility to tell you this, to put your feeling od insecurity at ease. Try to find out the core of his problem.

Both parties have responsibilities.

Tony WK

[geoff]

dear Lsie, hello and thanks for giving us the opportunity to try and help you.

This seems to be an awkward situation and I wonder whether your husband has suffered from any type of depression and this is the reason why he thinks ' he isn't sure he wants to continue with the marriage' as this is what happens a good part of the time, but that's depression forcing him to say this, whether this is true that he is struggling you maybe able to tell us.

A good point by Tony is whether he has met someone else, and something that you should ask him, unfortunately if this is correct, it will greatly upset you, and I certainly hope that it's not true.

You definitely need an answer from him, it's only fair on your part, not to suffer in silence and doubt, so he must tell you if either he is struggling with coping, which would mean that he could be depressed, or if he has met someone else.

Being married for 42 years is quite remarkable, so there much be so much water that has passed under the bridge, and to lose any of this would be deeply hurtful.

I would dearly love to hear back from you because if I was still married it would be almost 40 years. L Geoff. x

[Lsie]

thanks Geoff

He is having counselling, but really doesn't tell me much - I understand depression having been there myself - so realise I must try to support him.  What I struggle with is his inability to tell me what is happening.   3 days in nearly 14 weeks is all I have seen him, but he really cannot see that this is a problem.   Just tells me he is enjoying working.   Doesn't get the gist that I have should be part of his life.   Our married life hasn't been easy, that is putting it mildly, but we stuck it out - all I want is an answer - but maybe I am putting too much pressure on him - maybe I am the problem.