Marriage on the rocks and paranoid

[MSSnow]

Hi All

its clear that my marriage is on the rocks. We have been together for well over 10 years and have young kids.

She has shared with me a number of reasons why she is unhappy and all I can do is try and alleviate these things as I do agree with some of them.

at the same time I am becoming paranoid about where she is and what she is doing. I perhaps know more than she realises and it’s totally eating me inside but I can’t do anything about it. I try to open the door to allow for the honest answers but I get blatant lies which I can’t call out

im really struggling with the likelihood of where this is heading and find myself often quite emotional about it and unable to sleep

looking for advice from others who perhaps may have had similar experiences

[geoff]

Hello MSSnow, welcome and thanks for posting your comment, which puts you in a difficult situation, I'm sorry to say.

Marriages have their good times and certainly inconvenient or perhaps times they only wish didn't happen and if dishonesty creeps in, then questions are going to be asked, whether or not they are truthfully answered depends on the situation.

Sometimes a disagreement can be rectified and there are times when you both agree but that doesn't change how you both feel towards each other and may take time to repair the relationship.

If however, you are uncertain of what's happening, but have an idea, then honesty by both of you has to be told and let her know that you have accepted what has been done, but you want to change because you love her, and want her to rectify what you believe is being done.

The outcome maybe something you're anticipating but may not happen and suggest a couple of options, first, can I suggest that you have separate counselling and then if possible joint counselling.

Remember that any damaged marriages/relationships can be repaired, it's just about giving and taking so you feel comfortable.

We hope that you can get back to us so we can continue because I know how this situation makes you feel and want to help you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Guest909]

I think Geoff has summed up the situation nicely.

Marriage is difficult and in retrospect it is easy to identify issues that could have been handled better. It just goes to show that relationships are not perfect. That being said, the relationship does not have to be perfect if both parties are willing to accept and make allowances for these imperfections. The problem occurs when this acceptance becomes one sided due to dishonesty or bad behaviour. You are clearly doing your best to address her complaints, but from what you have shared, it looks to be a one-sided effort.

If you are having issues with her honesty, that is a discussion that needs to be had. If you need help to have that discussion, a marriage counselor might be the way to go.

Reading between the lines, do you suspect (know) she is having an affair? If yes, that would certainly explain your paranoia. If no, then your paranoia may be your mind playing a nasty trick on you; just because you think sometime is true does not make it so.

If you are having sleep problems you might want to visit you GP. The rollercoaster ride that you are on may continue for some time. I've been on anxiety medication for the last 12 months; I would not have survive without medical intervention.

Stay in touch if you are up to it.

[MSSnow]

Thanks for your comments and ideas Geoff and Mr Paul.
I agree counselling is a good safe space and have been working through it myself. At this point it’s clear she isn’t ready herself for a couples version.

I tend to agree that marriage has its ups and downs, and we certainly have although it’s always something we have been able to work through.

She has shared this other person is giving lots of attention and it feels good - that was gut wrenching.

Additionally there have been numerous occasions that I know they were spending time together discretely however the honesty isn’t there and am told was with someone else. If it’s innocent why the lie...

All of this creates doubt about if there is really an intent to resolve things because I just feel totally in limbo at the moment waiting for a decision