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Marriage counseling- yes or no?

Empathic
Community Member

Hi everyone

My hubby and I have hit a rough patch and I have suggested counselling. He also suffers depression and the counselor I have found can address all issues including his alcohol addiction. Hubby is more than willing to attand and is adamant he wants to do whatever it takes to get us back on track. Trouble is, I am terrified that this is going to backfire and that through therapy he will discover he no longer wants to be married. Am I being paranoid or is this something I already know deep down inside? It's really playing on my mind and I am torn. No counselling and the marriage may not survive or chance counselling and see him possibly grow even further away from me. I keep telling myself that I am being silly and that we've had 20 years together and he won't just throw that away but the doubt is so strong. I have told hubby my fears and he has done his best to reassure me that it won't happen but I am still terrified 😢

Has anyone else had good/bad marriage counselling experiences?

6 Replies 6

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Empathic, my ex and I went to marriage counselling a couple of times, at the time my then wife was living with mum a couple of hours away, while I was a couple of hours in the opposite direction, my Dad had organised this as he was a GP.
At first it was all about me, bringing up all the bad points in me, nothing about her, so I agreed to another session where once again it started about me and my problems, so I was criticised, cursed and blamed in every aspect, until my wife then brought up the fact that I had been assaulted, developed a blood clot on the brain and in turn developed epilpsy, then the conversation totally changed, and the counsellor kept asking my wife question after question which she didn't like and that was our last session.
Your circumstances maybe totally different, but from experience I would go to one session and see how it turns out, if there aren't any major problems then continue going, but remember it's a session where the two of you have a chance to air your views. Geoff.

Apollo_Black
Community Member

Alcohol addiction.

I am not aware of any situation where if left untreated ends well.

therefore, should the question not be not that he gets upset with you and decides to leave, but that he gains control of his life, avoids life threatening chronic disease and losing his long time loving partner?

i don't think anyone can really answer your question because we don't know enough about your situation. It depends what this issues are, the type of personalities involved and the experience of the counselor. But once again, if your husband is addicted to alcohol then the focus should be on getting him free from alcohol. Doing counseling together is pointless if he's expecting this issue to be avoided.

It's often helpful to get yourself into a position of strength so you're in a better position to get him the help he needs. There's no point worrying about however he's going to react because you can't control hiw he reacts. Instead, focus on your own health. Set a good example. Exercise. Eat well. Make sure you do things with friends. Enjoy time apart. Do things fun together. In time get into a position of strength so he is supported to address the elephant in the room - alcohol.

i digress though. If anything, like Geoff said, counseling will allow you to express your views in a relatively controlled environment.

defintetly need to know more about your situation to be able to make any further valuable contributions though, i.e.: why do you fear he'll leave you, is he prepared to quit, how bad is this "addiction", what other issues are there, etc

BballJ
Community Member

Hi Empathic,

I suggest to many people on these forums who come here with relationship issues to try marriage counselling. From my understanding a marriage counsellor won't be there to try and break you both up, you are both their to fix what issues you feel you have in the marriage. The counsellor should act mostly like a mediator and to understand both sides of the story. I think it is far worse to leave it as is and not seek any outside help. I have never been to marriage counselling, only private counselling for myself but I would think they would just want to try and help you both and see why you fell in love with each other in the first place.

It is good that you and your husband are on the same page with it, as quite a few couples we speak to on these forums struggle with either the husband or wife not wanting to go or not sure how to even approach them about going. The fact you are both willing and happy to go is half the battle I like to think. You both want this to work as far I can see in your post and that is a great first step.

My best for you and your partner,

Jay

Empathic
Community Member

Thank you for your replies. Apart from the alcohol addiction there has been very little physical contact and I've just felt constantly "left behind". Hubby has not been abusive in any way apart from an increase in grumpiness which I noticed coincided with his break from drinking. As for general day to day interactions - well, he's either in the shed pottering or asleep in the armchair. Our situation is made even more difficult as hes a FIFO worker overseas and is away 7 weeks and home for 4 weeks. When we go out it is as though I don't exist at all. He'll get drinking with friends and I just hang around in the background.

When I pointed all this out to him he was shocked that he had been treating me like that and has since promised he will do anything to get us back on track. He has agreed to address his drinking and weight as a priority. I am still struggling to believe it, although in fairness to him, he is away working at the moment so I have to make do with odd phone calls and text messages. I understand he's doing his best right now but I guess I need him here with me to actually see the difference. I have one failed marriage behind me, he doesn't. My first husband over time became very critical of me and we rarely did anything together but I had no idea that he wanted a divorce. I thought it was just because we were both busy with other things, me being a mum and working and his job. One day I discovered he wanted to separate and that he'd been seeing another woman for over 2 years. So I guess my past is also haunting me.

Well definitely do the counselling. But I would still invest in getting yourself sorted out. Even seeing someone individually to discuss your fears and concerns. Also taking the time as I said to eat well, exercise, engage with friends etc.

BballJ
Community Member

Hi Empathic,

The main point to focus on is the fact he is willing to go to counselling and you have made him aware how you are feeling and he has responded well to it, I see many times on here where the partner usually just goes into denial and pretends nothing is happening or wrong, that fact your husband is making the effort now and has said that it such a great thing and the counselling should really just help it along to get back to a point where you are both happy.

My best,

Jay