Marriage breakdown

[Jinxy2259]

For many many years I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my husband.

Tomorrow he is moving out. We have 3 children, 7 and under. I often thought about this day and how I thought i would feel free, but I’m scared and sad and hurt.

My babies are suffering and I don’t know how to be the best parent for them.

I have been strong for weeks knowing this was coming but tonight I am struggling and the tears are flowing.

my husband doesn’t love me and i don’t have those feeling for him anymore, he has put me through hell - so why am I feeling this way?

[geoff]

Hello Jinxy, and a warm welcome to the forums.

I am terribly sorry to learn what you have told us but when this abuse has happened and the two of you don't love each other, then by him moving out is your best option.

You are scared sad and hurt because you have 3 children under 7, that requires a great deal of love but also an enormous amount of attention and care plus answering all the questions they are going to ask you, but now you have a different life, one where you no longer have to put off doing in case he decided to disagree with you.

Do you or does he want to have any participation in any decisions that need to be made for the children as well as helping you out financially?

After wanting this to eventually happen and suddenly it has, then a feeling of relief, excitement but emotional exhaustion maybe present, and that's why I suggest a couple of options,

-is to go and see your doctor and ask them about the 'mental health plan', which will entitle you to 10 Medicare paid sessions per yer year

-and ask for support from a family member or a friend to come and help you with the children and also so you can have a chat with.

Would love to hear back from you when you have the time.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Jinxy

Hello and welcome. It's often the case when you have wanted and needed something quite desperately that when it happens you feel lost. I was the same nearly 20 years ago when I finally left my husband and moved to where I now live.

At first it was wonderful. I was working so could support myself and my children had all grown up and left home. It sounds really good doesn't it? A year later I fell into a huge depression which was so inexplicable as I was where I wanted to be. So why get upset? All this time later I think I have finally worked it out.

I believe I lost sight of myself when living with my husband. There was little left of me and I did not know how to find myself again. Initially I had my routine of going to work, household chores and visiting my children. I thought I knew who I was and where I was. To then fall into the horrible pit of depression just totally confused me.

You may be in a similar situation as you said, I often thought about this day and how I thought i would feel free, but I’m scared and sad and hurt. It is a huge responsibility to take care of your children on your own I know. You have demonstrated you can be strong because you have finally managed to separate. That is also a huge step. Being emotionally exhausted is the most likely reaction.

Have you made arrangements about your husband's access to the children and financial arrangements. No need to tell us what arrangements you have made, it's important that these things be organised. Do you work? I imagine it would be difficult with three little ones but you do need to go to CentreLink and start the process of getting a single parent allowance. It will take time so I hope you have some money available to get by on for the time being.

For yourself you need some support. Are there people in your life who can support you? Parents, other family members, friends? It is important that you have some help as doubts may creep in when you feel stressed. It's going to be hard enough managing on your own. Your children will also need support from you. Do you think your husband will support them? I suggest you talk to the older children and explain that daddy is going to live elsewhere. Give whatever reason you think suitable but if I may suggest, do not fill them with horror stories. It would be a natural reaction but will not help your relationship with husband or your children.

Please focus on one day at a time and what needs to be done that day.

Mary

[Jinxy2259]

Thank you Geoff for your reply.

i was feeling very down last night but am in a much better frame of mind this morning.

It will just take time, I have been seeing a counselor for the past 3-4 months, she was the one that helped me have the courage to say enough was enough.

Firstly she said she didn’t think the marriage was salvageable and then she went on to say that nothing shocks her and she’s heard a lot of stories in her time, but my story shocked her and just made her so sad.

I have put up with a lot, some things actually horrify me that I just sat back and accepted.

he will still help with the kids, or so he says. He removed my access to the bank account, which I guess is a control thing. He will say things like “let me think about how much money I should give you this week, it all depends on how you’ve behaved”

I have applied to Centrelink too

[Jinxy2259]

Thank you for your reply.

I am trying to be positive around the kids. My husband isn’t moving far, and he will still visit them etc.

Trying to sort out finances, he wants to have control and uses it as a power trip as to how much he will give me.

I am in the process of having my pension approved my Centrelink.

[White_Rose]

Hello Jinxy

What a control freak your husband is. You need to see a lawyer and get this matter approved by the family court. You and the children need to eat and you need to pay bills. This means you need a regular income. Check with CentreLink to see if they can help in this matter. Not having been in that situation I do not know what they can do but I feel they will also want to know as it will affect your benefit.

Have you opened a bank account in your own name. I think you need to do this and your husband needs to pay his contribution directly into your account. He will not be able to take money out of your account if it is in your name only.

This maintenance money should be taken out of his wage and paid to you rather than giving him the opportunity to make you wait etc. If the court approves this and he does not make the specified payment he will need to face the court with a reason able explanation. I don't think he will have one if he has already agreed.

Mary

[geoff]

Hello Jinxy, thanks for getting back to us and it does take a great deal of courage to make the decision you did with the support of your counsellor, that's terrific to give you the strength to do so.

As he has removed any access by you to the bank account is still emotionally controlling you and it shouldn't be on how you’ve behaved, it's an obligation and may be needed to be sorted out in court, but can I suggest you also contact Anglicare as they were fantastic when I did.

Can you please let us know how you get on with Centrelink and as soon as you do contact them, then payment is backdated to that date.

You can also ask them about 'rent assistance'.

Take care and best wishes.

Geoff.