Marriage Breakdown

[Robert79]

I have been separated now for 7 months.

I have been able to have constant contact with my 2 children who are 4 & 1.

I have recently been seeing someone who I have grown to love and don't think I could be apart from.

Now that my wife has found out, she has threatened to take my children and move away.

I have been diagnosed with severe depression due to previous life events.

I am fearing the worst and don't really know what to do.

[white knight]

Dear Robert, welcome here

Mate, you need to dig deep. I've been in a similar situation and survived it. My kids are now 22 and 26yo and I'm glad I held on and did the best I could.

Yes your wife has a lot of answering to do. These threats are wrong and immoral. But that doesn't help you right now. You need legal rights and orders from the court that guarantee your ability to see your kids and visa versa.

You should go to a family lawyer quickly and set in motion any action to help you. However having said that, your fight to see your kids isn't over. You will likely still have issues with communication with her (eg you are working that weekend etc) and if she has issues that means she cant allow you access (eg they are all going for a holiday ). This friction may well all blow over in time and things might settle. That's your long term direction.

Another fear is that once the kids get older she might demonise you, tell them things about you to turn them against you. This is common and cruel. My youngest daughter I don't see at all. Its sad but I had to get on with my life hoping she'll see the light one day. It is out of my control so therefore- move on the best I can.

Whatever the outcome you need to dig deep to remain proud and true to yourself. You need to say to yourself, "these threats are wrong. I'm a good person. I do not have to remain committed to a marriage that does not work" etc

I'd also suggest you contact Relationships Australia or similar organisation for ideas on how to get through this. Your wife might also attend.

Good luck and for the sake of the long term result...stay strong. Your children will one day thank you for doing so. One of mine did.

Tony WK

[White_Rose]

Dear Robert

Hello and welcome. Glad you have joined us and I hope we can help you.

It is always sad when marriages fall apart and I can imagine your distress, regardless of meeting another person. I have a couple of suggestions for you. When I separated from my husband my children were grown up and had left home. All had partners of their own so I had no need to be concerned on that front. However property is a different matter and needs clear division. This is also stressful but it can be made easier.

Two things immediately spring to mind. The first is dealing with your depression. If you have been 'officially' diagnosed I am presuming you may be taking medication and possibly receiving counselling from a psychologist or psychiatrist. Given the amount of turmoil in your life I think it is essential to have this counselling and work with your counsellor. Stress does not usually go away by itself so you need help.

Secondly it seems reasonable to engage the services of a lawyer. I know this sounds over the top, but if your wife wants to remove the children you need to argue the case against this. You could also apply for custody of the children. At the very least you can have the court set visiting rights.  You need someone well-versed in family law.

When you are depressed it seems like the end of the world to do anything. The brain just wants you to turn off from doing anything. In this instance you need to ignore these thoughts and make an effort. This is why I suggest you meet regularly and often with your counsellor for support.

I won't writ more at the moment. Others will be along soon to give their take on your situation. I encourage you to write in often and use the support so readily available here.

Mary

[geoff]

dear Robert,  I want to thank you for joining this forum, where I have experienced the problem of separation and by having depression, where my then wife had left me on several occasions when our two sons were only young, but as I went to see her and our sons, she returned, but there were circumstances which aren't really related to your post, but I'm sure it was about 3 or 4 times.

You obviously love your two children and this is great, but you have grown away from your wife, and there are for various reasons which you don't have to tell us if you don't want to, the problem is that your wife knows that you get on really well with another lady, so there will be jealousy that now comes into the problem and now she will do everything she can to keep the children from seeing you, as it would be the same the other way around.

An injunction could be as you have depression is that you only see the kids under supervision or for only a certain time, so what you need is to see a lawyer, and if you are on a pension card then legal aid is who you have to see.

What your wife will tell the court is that you are suffering from depression and fears for the safety of the children, so what you need to do is to get a report from your doctor, psychologist and solicitor reporting on your character stating that you won't be any threat.

Please keep in touch with us. Geoff.