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Marriage breakdown - what do I do now?
My husband and I realised a year or two ago that we’d slipped from the routine of parenting into a huge rut. We talked about back then, as we were both feeling bleh, & knew we needed to work on our marriage, & change things up in our life in general. But for whatever reason (tired, busy, out of ideas,etc), we didn’t change anything.
He has been distant for most of last year (which I stupidly put down to work stress & tired), but the last few months he was shutting me out, barely talking to me & hardly ever touching me.
One morning recently he was super cranky at our daughter, so after drop offs I sent him a text asking what was going on (wasn’t sure he’d say much cos I had asked him regularly if he was okay over the last year). And he said he couldn’t keep going the way things are. We went to a marriage counsellor on Friday last week, & he opened up & said he wanted out of our marriage. Things haven’t changed & he can’t do it anymore. The counsellor basically said there’s no point doing more sessions cos he’s clearly made up his mind that this is over... I think that hurt nearly as much as him verbalising it.
I’m devastated, & now I’m the one who is shutting down. I don’t even know how to talk to him now. He seems lighter now that the elephant isn’t in the room, which is good & I am genuinely happy that he seems happier. It’s been the longest of long weekends ever though. Somehow so far our daughter hasn’t asked any questions, but she must have noticed I’m sad cos I have been getting lots of hugs & I love yous from her.
But what the hell do I do now? We’ve been married nearly 12yrs - every part of our lives are pretty entangled! We’ve got invitations to parties or events & I can’t bring myself to respond if they’re more than a week away 😞
I can’t even figure out if I want to tell anyone yet (& how do I do that?!), cos that will make it real.
Hello Emjai, can I offer you a warm welcome to the forums, and it's always sad to read comments like yours but unfortunately, couples do tend to fall out of love for whatever the reason maybe.
It doesn't really matter whether you've been married for a year or 30 years, once the relationship fades away then counselling is suggested, which has been done and allowed the doors to open, as to how he feels.
It's always disappointing when a marriage can not find a solution, and I say this because it happened to me and wonder whether you have thought about separating while any problems could be sorted out with counselling by yourselves.
How can you walk away from a marriage in which you’ve been involved in for 12 years, it's not easy, but please let us know if a separation has been discussed.
Please take care.
I have been going through some pretty similar things recently with my wife. Our first discussion was mid November and I didn't tell anyone at first. After a week or two I did open up to one of my extremely close friends and it did help. I've since told two others. It's incredibly difficult to open up about it and the "I can't believe it, I'd have never seen that coming" initial response doesn't help; once you get past that though it's incredibly freeing and helpful. They probably won't have any helpful advice, but it's just helpful having someone to vent/reflect with.
You're not alone and this community is here for you.
Hello Emjai, just seeing how you are going and how you are feeling.
Thought I'd check in and see how you were getting on.
Sending positive thoughts your way
I am really sorry to hear what you have been dealing with and image how deeply painful it must feel.
Reading your post made me personally feel a little cross with how some partners deal with their own issues.
In some ways, it reflects how irresponsible their behavior is and how easy it is for them to through in the towel.
You partner needs to respect you more and to understand that your relationship is no dust bin.
I would suggest that you focus on yourself, speak with a councillor or others for support, invest in your [own] time, do hobbies, socialise with friends and family and try to boost up your moral and mental/physical wellness.
Let him have a taste of his own medicine and remember relationship abuse is not tolerated.
We would love to hear back from you.