- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Pin this Topic for Current User
- Printer Friendly Page
We are not counselors so this is a personal opinion only.
Regardless of having 3 children to him that isnt a reason to reconcile. He is saying statements like "I'm not good enough for you" as a means to provide answers as to why he wont come home. IMO these are not serious communications/commitment.
I know how you feel love wise, yes you have love for him, you thought you had stability, a family unit. Unfortunately it fell apart. This period of grief is normal whether the same circumstances or not, even if he didnt have an affair and you amicably separated, the grief is the same with various level of anger.
Having had 3 relationships over 7 years duration I can say each were very hard to readjust, all had grief dripping down my face daily. I also lacked confidence and riddled with guilt. But, after I found a new direction about 4 months after separation (bought a block of land to build my own home), I felt better and began to accept that my first wife wasnt ideal for me.
I've been married 10 years now to a lady I've actually known 35 years. We are happy, trusting, content and a team. You deserve the same. I'd suggest you accept that your future is in no rush, no need to get him back due to that grief, no point in taking second best for a guy that deceived you. You caught him out and not he's trying to appease you.
I'm sorry you're in this situation but I cant feel remorse for him and his words are just making it harder for you. I'd set boundaries, you only need to be an acquaintance to communicate effectively for the benefit of the children, anything else is just harmful to you until he changes remarkably.
Remember, this situation is not your fault and you deserve better treatment.
Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get
Hello So Heartbroken, your husband has been dishonest with you even though you still say you love him, but somewhere along the way he has changed his attitude in regard to your marriage by having an affair, which you aren't sure how long this has been going on and he intended to divorce you.
If he did return home you aren't sure whether or not another affair may happen, especially if you sleep in different beds, then it's possible, well you do deserve better, as you aren't sure whether you can trust him, and to just move home for the kid's sake isn't going to be satisfactory because the kids would prefer two different happy homes, rather than one unhappy home.
He has done everything possible to live by himself all behind your back, then I can only suggest, but settle up with him as you deserve someone much better than him, someone, that loves you.
You may decide to still love him, but it's not the same feeling you once had before, because you can love a person but know that you can't live together anymore.
Sending you big hugs. I am going through very similar. I deserve so much more. I did take my husband back a few years ago after emotional affairs then a new partnership which was destructive. He has betrayed me again with a friend. I love him and know he needs help, but allowing him to do as he has done reinforces his behaviour is acceptable. I struggle daily with the burden as its friend of my kids that he has gone to and is spending all time with, replacing his eldest two kids with her kids.
I am preparing for a lenghty battle at court, but likely he will pull out or not show up. He wants things his way, but when I stand firm and set the boundaries he backs down a little. I just need space from him, as dropping in when suited wasn;t health. Here to chat anytime you need. My kids are 4, 9, 12
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It is most definitely heart breaking.
I'm not a counsellor either, but just from the outside perspective, I think you need to separate your feelings for him from what actually happened. In this case the two need to be separate because your feelings for him can't be factored into your decision making. He is the father of your children, so you may always love him and have a place for him. But things have changed and he doesn't have a place for you. I don't want to sound cold, but he has moved on and you deserve so much more than to be treated like that. He let you down, he deceived you and he broke your trust and heart.
I know a lot of people forgive their partners for affairs, and they can work if both parties want it to work. It takes so much to build that relationship back up again. If one person isn't 100% in it, then it won't work. You know in your heart he is not 100% in fixing it. It doesn't even sound like he's fully accepting of his behaviour or actions in this.
You are a strong woman who will get through this. Get yourself a good lawyer who will work with you to make sure you are looked after the way you need to be. Also look into counselling for you so you can break down what has happened and work through the grief so you can move on too.
All the best. You will be ok xx