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I have so much to say, but no one to say it to.
I have no support what so ever that is anything from a professional talking and prescribing me pills. And this I can't do any more.
I spend each day going forward, but always thinking of ending my own life. I think about the positives and the responsibilities I have and that seems to keep me here.
But I have no out for making my own life more than that.
My soul is safe and secure but my body is weak and feels like dying.
I talk to no one about any of what's going on and I don't have anyone to do so with.
I feel like I'm living a lie and can't find the truth of my own existence anymore.
Trauma and hurt have been coming at me since I was very, very young and no amount of thought or thinking its not my fault seems to truly help.
Lately I've begun a path that may not be who I truly am but it keeps me here.
And I guess now if I write these words or anything it can only help and maybe others with thoughts like this can help me at least see an easier way to cope.
Thank you for reading.
Hello Heather Moon,
Welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear that a lot of trauma and hurt have followed you around since you were very young.
You said you don't have any support at the moment through professionals. I am glad this is something you have thought about. Is there a reason why you don't have any support from a doctor at the moment?
Thinking about the positives and your responsibilities sounds like it's been good at helping you hang in there. Would you like to tell us about some of these positives?
I think your last sentence about wanting to help others is a huuge positive. That's really awesome that you came here and wanted both to get help, and to give help.
Dear Heather Moon
Hello and a warm welcome to Beyond Blue. You have lived such a hard life and I thank you for coming here and sharing your story.
I would like to know about any professional support you have received, but first I think it's important to ask how we can help and support you. Do you have anything in particular you need to know?
I am sad you feel my body is weak and feels like dying. I know that feeling and I have walked down the suicide path. I don't want you to do the same thing because I know there is hope for you and everyone who ventures into the dark. I'm glad your soul is safe because that's the essential us.
At BB we cannot always be there when you need us, the forums are not set up that way. Here is a phone number that you can call 24/7. Don't be put off by the name. Whether you are suicidal or not the people at the other end of this number will help you. Suicide Call Back Service, 1300 659 467. You can also look them up online. www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au This is an amazing service with fantastic people and you will be able to talk for decent time.
I presume you are depressed, but is there anything else that troubles you? I also know the black dog. He haunts me and I think is following you. It's hard to move forward and at the same time consider ending your life. The energy you have needs to be used to get well. It's easy for me to say stop thinking about suicide and I do know how hard that can be. If you have no professional help would meditating help you? I find this helps me enormously.
If you look on the BB home page there is a link to Beyond Now. This is an app you can put on your phone and look at when you feel like dying. You will need to download it and write your own strategies for coping. I found I was constantly reviewing it at first to add what I had not thought of previously. Have a look and see how it can meet some of your needs.
Whatever you want to talk about here is OK so long as it meets the Community Rules. I would love to continue talking with you and hope you will write in again.