Hi, welcome
When I was 21yo I was confused about the same thing. I was a prison officer, the youngest at my jail I worked.
One side of me was the disciplinarian, the other side a softy that wanted to save the world from crime and corruption, that loved little animals and would help the homeless.
So who was the "real" me?
Now I'm 62yo and I realise that inside most of us is more than one character. We swap according to the situation. Every seen a few young mums talking in the street about fun times then one child runs towards a street and automatically the mother yells and disciplines her child? A complete change within a micro second.
Another example is receiving an apology. We can argue with others then an apology comes...automatically we can forgive and hug the other person.
So, I actually see your dilemma as not a concern at all.
Your "lost state" is perhaps your insecurity at this time in your life. Most of us take until around 25yo to feel confident about who we are. Your studying yourself is trying to reflect on that- who you are. The worst thing we can do during such exploration is to follow other people. You are unique, a one off person that you should embrace and discover.
Your following years can be exciting or they can be arduous and challenging. The better approach is to embrace it as an adventure and learn to like yourself. We even have a thread here asking exactly that, that you can comment in. Google
Beyondblue topic do you like yourself?
and here is another
Beyondblue topic worry worry worry
Good luck and don't worry too much.
TonyWK
