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Lost- whats next!
I am new to these forums but at am so lost i don't know where to turn.
My partner has had depression for years and blames me for it. He told me he didn't ever want to hear about any of my past relationships, and we have very different views on relationships and he is very hypocritical of experiences.
He found out that in the past i slept with a friend on 1 occasion who i had know for many years and i would still see them at events after that, and he tells me that it was a one night stand and he blames that as the reason he is so mentally unwell. He says that he is worthless and that i obviously liked that guy more than him because i took a month to sleep with him when we were dating. He constantly thinks of me having sex with someone else. He can't stop comparing him to our relationship and it rules his life, and mine!! 😞
He no longer wants to go anywhere or do anything, our sex life is non existent, i can't mention anything to him (just general life chat) or it ends in an arguement that turns around to his problems and its all my fault. It upsets me alot and i do my best to not cry in front of him but sometimes when he just blows up i cry and he doesn't understand how i can be upset and hurt when he is so hurt from 'what i did to him'.
He is on anti depression medication and used to see a therapist but doesn't see them anymore because they don't help. He has seen 3 therapists in total but none of them have helped at all, 1 of them actually told him that they can't help him. So he has lost any drive he did have to try and get help because they have no faith in him, he doesn't want to have to go to someone new and tell them what is going on again and again not feel any better.
He no longer shows any affection towards me, when i get home from work he is on the computer, i have to go in and say hi, give him a kiss. No reaction, no emotion, no greeting, no conversation at all from him. Then i just go and sit on the couch alone and watch tv until i go to bed and the same routine starts again the next day.
He has on a number of occasions expressed suicidal thoughts, threats. He will get so worked up he storms out and says he is going to kill himself.
I try to support him and keep the peace and not do anything that will trigger an arguement but am just so lonely and alone and exhausted and just had enough!
Sorry for the length, i need to vent and it probably isn't even much more than the icing on the cake that i have gone into. 😞 thanks for listening.
A Warm Welcome to the forums and thankyou for posting too!
My name is Paul and have had depression for many years and still recovering and understand the bad place you are in. I have read your post and I see that your partner is blaming you for his depression. If I may say that a person with or without depression should never blame their behavior on you. Its just not acceptable. You are not a verbal punching bag so to speak.
You are a very supportive and kind person by having the courage to post. You also care a great deal about your partner too. If you scroll to the bottom of your page you will see a header titled 'Supporting Someone'...If you click on 'Supporting someone with depression or anxiety' there is some invaluable notes on what you are going through now.
If I may ask you Emotional ......when you mentioned 'he just blows up'....do you mean he has a short fuse/temper? It is good that he has seen 3 therapists but why did one of them say they cant help him?
You also mentioned "He no longer wants to go anywhere or do anything, our sex life is non existent"....These are classic signs of depression as you are probably aware. I also noticed that he is 'closed off' when you said "No reaction, no emotion, no greeting, no conversation at all from him"......Depression again...
Also your partner constantly thinking about you having sex with someone else is a concern as his depression will also show a chronic lack of self esteem as per his comment.
You have absolutely nothing to apologise for Emotional. You are a kind and caring person. Sometimes a good therapist can be hard to find...I have had 2 over 25 years. Has your partner invited you to an appointment with his therapist? Doing so would give you a huge insight of how much he actually wants to heal. Your partner has to accept help in the first place so he can help himself heal.
The AD's are most definitely a great idea with your partner. They do provide 'happiness' so to speak but they 'should' give your partner a platform on which he can heal...I do apologise for the lengthy response...
You are carer Emotionally....Even with depression your partner should not be blaming you.....or be verbally critical of you....and I do hope he is not verbally abusive of you.....Depression is no excuse for bad behavior.
I do feel for you Emotional....You do have a good heart and deserve respect not blame in this situation.
I do hope some of this has been a help
My Kind Thoughts..Paul
To compare about whether or not you were intimate after a month can't really be compared to having a one night stand, because one's a compulsion, where the other is about forming a relationship.
At the moment it's not a two way relationship, it's just you trying to show him your love towards him, but it's not being reciprocated, so now it's an awkward situation.
Do you love him so much to continue on with this relationship, and do you feel as though he will ever change, and sometimes when people go to a therapist they don't want to get help to start off with, and this may happen intensually or unintensually, but to know which one is never easy to know.
If a therapist says that they can't help him, for whatever the reason is they would refer him onto someone else, but it would have to take a few sessions to make that decision, and that's why if he doesn't want help then the therapist would pick this up and say it's not worthwhile seeing him again.
If you want to get better then you to accept that it won't be an easy road but it's something which you want to do. Geoff. x
Thanks Paul and Geoff for your views on the situation.
When i said blow up, yes i mean short temper. He has never physically hurt me and i don't feel unsafe or scared around him.
i did ask to attend an appointment with the 1st person he seen, he wasn't ready for me to attend at the time. Then a month or 2 later with the same therapist he had already gone to the appointment and half way through his session he was like the therapist wants you to come over now. I needed to be in a place to go, not just told come now so i didn't go. I regret that because after then i would ask if he wanted me to come to the sessions and he didn't want me to.
Its just so emotionally draining to feel that you are bending over backwards and doing everything in your power to support and try and help and encourage someone you love to get help and they just feel so worthless and helpless and like no one can help them.
We have been together for a bit over 7 years and this has been my life for the last probably 5 years. When is enough enough! I don't want to give up but i want my life to grow, have children, get a house,get married, none of which are even on the horizons at this point! I don't want to feel like i have qasted my life and it be to late to fulfill my life goals. 😞
I'm going to go out on a limb here but why are you still with him?
You are not his therapist. You are not there to save him.
He blames you for mentioning a past relationship? Or were you seeing this person while you were seeing him? If it was In the past he gets worked up because you you took longer to sleep with him? So he blames his depression on you for something you did before you met him?
I'm really sorry but if I'm reading it right then it sounds very toxic. It also sounds like you're ready to leave and I would agree with you. If all of that sounds too hard then you need to start doing a lot more for yourself. Eat well,'exercise and enjoy time with your friends if your partner won't joint in. As hard as it is be supportive but don't let his moods control you. You are not bound to be his caretaker, particularly if you are not getting your needs met 5 years out of a 7 year relationship.
Thanks for your advice Apollo Black.
I most definately wasn't seeing this other guy when i was seeing my current partner. What happened between us was a couple of years earlier.
He has very different opinions on situations than i do. He has always said he doesn't want to hear about my past, and obviously with regards to the one he does know about, as me and this other person were friends and would both be invited to the same events we would be at the same parties or what not some times. I have no problem being at these parties with this other person as there is no drama there and he is now married with a child and i have moved on my current partner found out that i had attended something that he was also invited to and that was like i was cheating on him in his opinion.
I think he just has so little selfworth for himself that he can't see how i think it is ok to be at an event with someone from my past and that it's not a big deal nor does it mean i went to go and hang out with him.
The more i vent and read back through what i am writing it makes me sad. I do want to walk away but could never deal with it if he killed himself if i left. And i know if that happened it wouldn't be my fault but i would always think it was.
I would love to meet in the middle and help him get to a point of contentment and either allow us to try and move forward together or go our separate ways if nothing improves in the next 6 months or so.