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Lost the Spark
I am new to the forums and am seeking some support/help. I am almost 40, married 9 years with two kids. My marriage is in crisis and I don't know what to do. For the past 3-4 years I have felt disconnected from almost everything in my life. I have left friendships, my health, my relationship with my wife on cruise control and everything has deteriorated. To all outward appearances everything seems great. I'm outgoing, employed, involved in the kids activities etc but the reality is very different. Apart from my kids, I don't really care about anything. I am doing the bare minimum at work and am afraid that I will get caught out and lose my job. My wife is not getting the love and support she needs from me and when she presses me I withdraw and resort to shitty tactics like stonewalling and gas-lighting. We have had some pretty horrible arguments and I have said some pretty horrible stuff to her, which she is having great difficulty in getting past. She has lost faith and trust in our relationship, she says she feels very alone and just barely keeping it together.
I am just sitting back watching my life burn not feeling much of anything. There is a lot of resentment built up between us and the rift seems insurmountable. My wife says she wants me and us, that she loves me and wants us both to be happy. I don't hate her, I respect a lot about her, but I'm numb. I am terrified of leaving the kids, the effect it will have on them, I know it would destroy my wife to not see them everyday - but the thought of starting over on my own is appealing.
Lately I have just been focusing on gratifying behaviors - eating too much junk food, watching shows/movies/ playing video games etc - basically avoiding doing anything positive or proactive in my life - and fear that if I leave it is just me taking the easy option out at the expense of so much.
I am 40 soon and in the worst physical and mental shape of my life. I have many friends, but no close friends and no one that I feel comfortable talking to. I am uncomfortable talking to family or friends, I like keeping things private and putting on a brave face.
If anyone has experienced anything like this and has some advice it will be gratefully received.
Welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for providing your post.
My initial thought on all this, after hearing that you have no real close friends or family to talk with, which is a shame – would be to seek out some professional assistance. A trip to your GP as a first port of call.
I also thought of Relationships Australia as a 2nd possibility, where you could potentially both go along and see how they can possibly help you (you both).
Perhaps also devising up a list, say of pro’s and con’s for how you are in your relationship at this moment; but also for how it’s been up to now, or even, prior to what it was 3-4 years ago.
Relationships do get in a rut, especially when the kids are young and so much love and intimacy and care for your partner can just seem to vanish, as the kids kind of get preferential treatment, and then when they’re in bed asleep, the night can be almost over anyway … I guess that all depends on what time the kid’s bedtime is, and whether they’re good sleepers.
I do hope I’ve sent something or written something that might be helpful.