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Lost the love of my life - my fault

Community Member

I know Im going to cop alot of flac for this but I honestly need some advice. 

 I cheated on my fiance and he understandably left me. Im heartbroken and so is he but we both know its not a cut and dry scenario. I have loved him for over a decade and we have been through so much together. I didnt cheat because i fell out of love with him or found someone else i was attracted to more. I cant even fully understand why i even did it. I feel like it was a build up of a truly mucked up past year.

We suffered a miscarriage and were trying again for another. We fell pregnant again but a few months later found out that the baby had major defects and were strongly advised by the doctors to terminate the pregnancy. I didnt seek counselling after and this was a major mistake. While he was able to accept it and move on ive been suffering so much guilt and depression over It. Anytime I tried to talk about it he got so sad and i felt guiltier so i just kept it all in.

A few months later i seriously injured myself at work and was essentially pushed out of my job. My injury caused chronic pain and requires surgery but as Im not a good candidate for surgery they have tried to fix it without. My partner being the type of 'pain only being in your head' was pretty unsupportive so i just tried to tough it out again. He started getting frustrated because i wasnt able to do the things i could before because he honestly just didnt understand but it really hurt.

Then he came home from the doctors and told me the doctors suspected he had an std. At that point the thought of cheating had never even crossed my mind so this voice in my head told me it had to be him. So i reached out to a friend, things got out of control and we slept together. I have never felt so sick about something in my life. If you asked me now why i let it get that far i honestly cant tell you. I love my now ex fiance to my core. By the time i got home he already knew.

Is there any way anyone can see to recover our relationship? Or should I do what I have been doing and just being here when he needs me but otherwise leave him alone? 

2 Replies 2

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Samara,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, i am glad you have posted and I am sorry to hear of the challenging times you have been through.

Are you seeing a professional now? You have lots going on and it would help you a lot to start working through all these things, you know you can ring the BB phone service, they will have advice and support.

I presume your ex-fiance is not keen to try and repair your relationship? There are so many aspects to think about here but I think it would help you to concentrate your focus on the present moment so that you can shape your future. You cannot change what has happened in the past, these are now lessons that increase your knowledge through experience. I wouldn't be there 'when he needs', I would take a long hard look at who I am, who I want to be, set some goals on how to get there and bring it back to what I need to do now. Love to you.


Community Member

Hi there Samara


Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for being able to come here and provide your post.


I don’t think you’ll cop any flack – least not on this site anyway.


You mentioned in your post, talking about your partner, but in actual fact, he was your fiancé?   Which leads me to question him a little about his absolute care and support that he had for you – cause if a partner, a spouse, a fiancé, etc is having issues with pregnancies and furthermore, then suffers a serious injury, I would have thought there would have been a large degree of support, care and devoted love for you.  I mean it’s through the rough times when we would be hoping that our partner would be there for us.


Anytime you talked about the failed pregnancy, he’d get so sad and yes, I can understand that, but goodness me, it was YOU who was carrying the baby and lost it, so for me, the pain, the hurt, the sadness would be felt much stronger by you – I’m just saying.


But then for you to go through an injury and from that was pushed out of your job and you commented your partner was unsupportive – again not good in my book – sorry to be saying that. And yes, I can imagine how much that would be of a bad effect on you – you’re hurting physically, but then mentally/emotionally as well.


Ok, so on to the last part – I’m not quite sure what you mean when you said, “… in my head told me it had to be him”??    Did you think HE was cheating on you in order for him to acquire a std?    And if he wasn’t, then how did he contract a std?   You obviously don’t have to answer that, but I just thought I’d ask.


I’m also inquisitive for how did he actually know, by the time that you got home?   Did you tell him where you were going and … whoops, sorry, I’m asking way too much here.


I think bottom line is, unless he really wants to try to give it another go, then I think it’s perhaps over – but one more intriguing thing:  you mention that you’ll just keep being here when he needs me??   I don’t understand that, as if he’s now your ex, then what’s he doing still occasionally seeing you?   If you are broken up, I don’t think that’s fair on either of your behalves – as it sounds like there’s still some kind of ember still burning.


Sorry for the large amount of questions, etc, but as I said, you don’t have to answer any.


If you’re able too, it’d be great to hear back from you.