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Lost & confused after 26 years together

Community Member
After 26 years together my husband has walked out. He says he loves me but not in love with me. This has just ripped the rug out from under me as I love him very much. He's being influenced by anotger woman who he says he has no physical attraction to, but she's trying everything to get him in her bed & is very manipulative. To make things even harder is she works for the local womens crisis centre so as I have no family here I feel I have where I can turn for support. He suffers clinical depression and has had a down turn since his fathers passing, yet apart from talking to her & being turned inside out, he refuses to get professional help. I just feel lost & heartbroken.
5 Replies 5

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear 25yearsshattered~

Shattered would be an understatement, after so long one thinks of the marriage as being one of the solid cornerstones of one's life and a partner at least permanent and reliable, someone to count on. The effects of his walking out are so far reaching from feelings of loss, greif and self doubt - and probably anger too - though to financial and living arrangements.

I guess the first thing to say is when I've been under a severe bout of depression I've been pretty removed from myself and have not realized I loved my partner (or anyone) and was unable to tell if I was even capable of love. A strong desire not to take part in normal life was present too.

If this woman has caught him at such a vulnerable time it may well be she had a lot more influence than normally. I'd also have to say that as I improved I returned to being more loving and family life.

Apart from yourself is there anyone else who might persuade him to seek medical help? This is how I got better.

I mention all this as you love him and it may be the door is not completely closed - I don't know.

Whatever happens in the future at the moment you have to be your priority. It is looking after your own welfare and coping skills that will get you though. It might be very hard to be motivated to do this but maybe the prospect of feeling more in charge might help.

Do you have anyone anywhere to support you? Children? Family elsewhere or freinds? Even just talking to someone you trust on the phone can make a huge difference.

Trying to do the things you need in life can be a distraction and a comfort. When suffering great greif and being alone I found throwing myself into my work was an enormous relief and made the days pass.

Do you think counseling is an option? While not for everyone many have had a great deal of benefit talking with someone that knows the ropes.

I can realy sympathize with your horrible circumstances and do hope to talk with you again


Community Member

Hi there Shattered,

My main concern at the moment is for you. Please make an appointment to see your GP to discuss what has happened and then seek help from a Counsellor. You may have a long road ahead of you and will need all your strength and courage, but you will come out the other side. We are much stronger than we can ever imagine although it certainly doesn't feel like that during a personal crisis such as yours.

You can also ring the support team here at Beyond Blue on 1300 224636 24 hours a day to discuss your issues and be guided by their advice. Also keep in touch on the Forums, you will get a lot of great advice. Hopefully, your husband comes to his senses and this all works out for you.

Wishing you much luck


Our children are all young. Trying to stay strong for them has been the hardest thing. I'm lucky enough to have family, both his and mine who have been supportive even with the physical distance between us. And talking with friends also has helped get my hurt/grief out. His family are trying also to have him seek help, but he tends to push them away the more they try and help him. At the moment, all I can do is take one day at a time as I don't know who he'll be tomorrow.

Dear 25yearsshattered~

Yes, waiting to see what sort of person he will be tomorrow is incredibly hard, particularly trying to cope with one's feelings. If it was me I'd be a mess of hope, despair and outright anger.

Knowing what to say to the children too is a pretty big problem.

I'm very glad both families are supporting you. At least there is no hostility to contend wiht and hopefully you will feel less that is is anything you have done. (Illogical and undeserved but again if me I'd feel that way anyway).

May I suggest that if there is anything you might enjoy or take your mind away from the whole thing to please use it regularly. I found I'd look forward every day to reading for a while. Once I could concentrate it really was a balm.


Community Member

Hi 25

i had the same bomb drop ( I love you but not in love with you) from my wife of 28yrs, the next day she’d moved out whilst I was at work, like you I was absolutely crushed,heartbroken & didn’t understand where this had come from, not seen her now for 6 months & have had no contact since beginning of may, I got help from gap as I was in such a bad way, not sure if ther is another man in the picture but mister so much now,anyways it sounds like the mid life crisis speech to me word for word, try taking a look at the six stages of midlife crisis by hearts felt blessing, you will find all the help & information on what you husband is going through, it been a massive help to me as I know know this would have happened to my wife regardless of me, please look after yourself.