Lost and stuck

[Barbie04]

So I have been with my partner for just over 7 years. We have been through a LOT.

He has left me twice in the past. I've never really called it off on him.

the first 4-5 years together we were happy and mostly everything was good. In 2018 he started using an illicit drug heavily. We had all types of people coming to our house because of this and I would get sick of it and go off at him, which would create a big argument. I hated him profusely for bringing it into our lives and it made me quite bitter towards him.

He eventually stopped doing this over time and last year wound up in jail for a short period for other offences.

I am not innocent either, I cheated on him ONCE and admitted it, it was the biggest mistake I've ever made. Even though he apparently forgave me this, it always get bought up and held over my head and always get used so he can call me a liar.

I am getting to a point with all of this so please keep reading. When we argue it becomes very explosive, he will smash things, threaten me with violence and scream in my face. I'm more just verbally loud when we argue.

Anyway the thing is I do care about him and I do love him. I'm NOT in love with him anymore and I don't think I have been for well over a year.

I feel extremely guilty at the thought of ending it. He literally has nobody else. He doesn't speak to family at all. He has a few friends but they mostly use him for things and don't care about his personal life. He has tried to kill himself before because of his depression, he said he pictured me finding him and i was the one reason he didn't do it. But I don't know if I can keep going like this.

Anytime I try to suggest a break or break up, he goes full scale argument crazy mode, makes me feel like s**t to the point where I just apologise and shut up so it stops it.

Any advice on what to do would be appreciated. I am so lost and so tired.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Barbie04

Welcome to the bb forum and congratulations on making your first post.

I know it takes courage to share your story, and I want you to know that you have arrived at a place of non-judgemental support.

I’m really sorry to hear about the issues you are experiencing with your partner. It sounds like a difficult and complex relationship.

I do worry for you, given your partner’s unhealthy and unhelpful behaviour when you argue. I know that I would feel quite scared if my partner behaved that way.

I can totally understand why you drop the subject of leaving when he goes off. However, I suppose that he has unfortunately learned that it achieves his desired result—you stay. So, I don’t see him changing that behaviour,

What really concerns me is how he might behave on the day he doesn’t get what he wants.

I can’t tell you what to do. But I can gently say that you have a right to be happy, to love and be loved and to feel safe in your relationship. We all get one shot at life and despite your concern for him, you have to live your best life.

I think if you want to stay, it would be important to get his agreement to seek help for his anger issues and maybe try some couples counselling.

If you want to go, you need to do this in a safe way. Perhaps you could call 1800 Respect for some expert advice on how best to do this?

I wish I could do more to help but I’ll be here if you’d like to talk some more.

Kind thoughts to you

[geoff]

Hello Barbie, a warm welcome to the forums and thank you for being brave to post your comment.

Being in a difficult relationship and not leaving only because he has no one else, is not a reason to stay, you need to look after yourself first and foremost if that's what you want to do.

It's his decision if he wants to stop the illicit drug and even as he says he's stopped, he's been locked up for whatever reason, and we realise this must be disappointing as trust is needed in a relationship.

The need for you to leave is warranted, and the reason to stay is only to stop his anger is not looking after your safety which is paramount in this particular situation.

We understand that you care about him, but not in love and there are many people who care about someone but not living with them, so what this means is that you can leave him, but if you need to do this without him knowing, then perhaps that's your best option.

Remember your first priority is to look after yourself and if you need to go quietly without him knowing, then that's your best option and please get back to us when you're available.

Take care.

Geoff.