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lost and scared
Hi. Sorry i haven't introduced myself. I've not posted here before so hope you will excuse my curent state.
I'm sitting on the couch in tears and have no one to turn to. I managed to hold it together to get the kids to school then fell apart.
Last night my husband told me he wants to leave. We'd had an argument about stupid stuff and it got full on. Now he won't take my calls today.
He's not been himself for the last month, quitting smoking and been on medication to do so. I feel the medication has altered his perception and has made him quite nasty at times. He's certainly been biting my head off a lot of blaming me for it.
We've had problems like all marriages and at times things have been pretty bad. We've always managed to get past it by talking when things have calmed. This is really scaring me though. I don't want to lose my husband but im worried he will follow through with this decision amd there will be nothing i can say or do to prevent it.
So so lost right. I feel physically ill with worry.
I know exactly how you feel. Interesting that he's been a bit different on the medication. I felt quite emotional when I stopped taking medication after the recommended 3 months. He's only a month in so he's probably fighting/battling with the psychologically addiction a fair bit which of course can make you quite unstable. What made him quit? Are you a smoker and if so are you still smoking? What has he been biting your head off about and what is he blaming on you? Did he say why he wants to leave? How long have you been married and how old are your children?
Did he tell you he wants to leave after your argument last night or is that what started the argument (ie: he told you before the argument started)??
I know it's all fresh and you probably won't have a lot of time to do so, but it can help to provide a bit more of a background story so people here can try and help and also for you to get everything out for your own benefit.
Don't keep ringing him today. Give him some space and see what happens when he comes home. You guys might need a little bit of time to simmer down, but if it comes up again (as in tonight) I would be saying this is all so sudden and you need time to process things and how about we get some counselling to work through this??? I don't know, maybe you could mention the medication but that probably wouldn't go down well so I'd leave that alone (for now).
As mentioned you need to provide more information here for people to help you. But I totally understand that right now you're feeling sick in your stomach and your whole world is caving in. You are not alone. Take some deep breaths. You will handle this, whatever happens. Can you ring a friends? Parents? The Family Relationship Advice Line (1800 050 321) is an option.
I'm hoping your husband will calm somewhat and be able to talk with you sensibly and you can work this out. Please keep us updated
I am so sorry that you have been upset and in a bad place slh.
Stopping smoking is great....but not at your expense. Even a guy with clinical depression isnt justified in being nasty to his partner. Thats a no go zone.
Apollo's advice is true and caring here slh. It would be tempting to find out his thoughts by calling him but I would (if you can of course) avoid calling him. The meds can alter a persons state of mind somewhat....and so can nicotine withdrawal.
Well done though to both of you for having the ability and understanding to talk things out between you before.
Just my humble opinion slh.....I do hope your husband can exercise some common courtesy and TLC towards you by not taking out his issues on you. (Whether its the meds...could be...or his nicotine withdrawal)
I do hope your husband acknowledges the love and care you are trying to provide.
We are here for you slh. You have nothing to apologise for on the forums...and Welcome by the way
Kind Thoughts for You
Thank you for the replies. It's helpful just having an outlet.
I took the advice given and gave him space. He was home before me so i said a normal hello when i walked in and got zero response. As much as it hurt i let it go and that's basically the night. We did not communicate AT ALL. He spoke to the kids normally and did his own thing completely ignoring me. As much as it hurt i resisted the urge to seek him out.
I don't even know where he slept. I went to bed early and slept solidly (easier than dealing with being ignored).
Not sure where to from here. Do I just wait out his silent treatment?
A little background, he's always used silence in arguments then blamed me for blowing up in reaction to it, calling me irrational and a drama queen. I don't cope well with being frozen out. It took every ounce of will to not react to it last night. I normally would and probably made things worse.
It's also exceptionally rare that he will ever apologise or acknowledge his part in causing an argument. It has happened but it is very rare. I usually end up apologising and smoothing things over.
You know as I'm typing this I'm realising that he really is quite controlling and manipulative. Hiw thick have i been? Our talks to resolve things have been pretty one sided. With me compromising and him carrying on just as he was, not changing anything.
He has made changes though. Very slow incremental changes over a few years. I would love to be able to focus on those as the positive and that's what keeps me going. That he does eventually cease a hurtful habit but it takes a lot of bs to get there.
If you're still reading, thank you. really don't have another outlet. Just getting the words out has already made me see things more clearly anyway.
Hi there slh
And also welcome to Beyond Blue.
You’ve received two great responses so far and I would like to back up both posts … and with reference to Apollo’s one, with the asking of those ‘extra’ questions … if you felt comfortable enough to provide responses back to those, it can certainly help out people on here with a little more knowledge.
But the other big thing at this point for you, is to see if there is someone who you feel close enough to talk to – or just a shoulder to lean on. Maybe a good friend, or a sibling?
You don’t want to lose your husband … that’s clearly obvious and it appears that in the past, the same has been for him also – as you’ve always sorted things out. This current one is seemingly only very new, as it’s only just happened, so I really hope that once he has taken some time away and to calm down, he can come back and you both will be able to work through things. I hope this is how it does pan out for you.
I can’t really add anything additional at this point, but just wanted to let you know that you’ve got an awful lot of support on this site, and do please get back to us as we’re concerned for you.
Good work letting things ride last night as hard as it must have been. The fact that he actually came home is a positive. The fact that he's giving you the silent treatment is HIS problem, not yours...
I will however reiterate that the more information you provide the more accurately and effectively you can be assisted - so...
"What made him quit (smoking)? Are you a smoker and if so are you still smoking? What has he been biting your head off about and what is he blaming on you? Did he say why he wants to leave? How long have you been married and how old are your children? Did he tell you he wants to leave after your argument the other night or is that what started the argument (ie: he told you before the argument started)??"
Also you mention he'll use silence a lot in arguments. How do they usually start and what are they about? Stonewalling (or withdrawing from interaction) is often a late sign in response to other relationship negatives such as defensiveness, criticism and contempt (called the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" by a guy called Dr John Gottman). Trust me they've been riding my back for a while.......
Sorry I'm carrying on. If you can provide further background, please do. Unfortunately you need to consider whether or not there is someone else he may be involved with (never ask him directly). I would certainly find someone to confide in, which will help. As hard as it sounds you can't change someone, you can only change yourself.
thankyou for posting back. I am sorry that you have been 'frozen' out. If I can quote Apollo here;
"The fact that he's giving you the silent treatment is HIS problem, not yours" This is so right. I do however understand how awful it feels to be stonewalled/ignored.
Neil was kind by asking if you are up to providing any more info we can provide you with a more accurate response/assistance.
I just read this from your post above "You know as I'm typing this I'm realising that he really is quite controlling and manipulative" I am sorry that you have had to do most of the compromising instead of a 50/50 split where healing a relationship is concerned.
We are here for you slh...
Kind Thoughts for you
I don’t know if I’ll be able to provide you with any useful information, I just wanted to let you know what there are other people in the world with similar situation to your own and that you are not alone.
I have almost same sort of relationship with my hubby and I'm still trying to learn how to “handle” and “accept” it. It’s so hard when you “know” that someone loves you but they act sometimes as though you are not worthy of their time/conversation. It’s hard when you love and want to be with someone when it seems that your loved one is being manipulating or controlling you. It’s so hard to decide, is causing trouble then saying their leaving you and giving silent treatment manipulating or controlling??
My husband’s done the same thing to me several times and though they are two totally different people and there’s no way to know before hand how your’s will act, I often give mine space to see whether his thoughts/feelings to leave etc stay the same. Thank God up till now mine has always found a way to keep relationship going and keep working on things, even though my hubby also expects a lot more “personal improvements” from me then he tries to give himself.
I know it’s hard during the emotional times to stay calm, it’s easy for people not directly experiencing same problem to tell you to stay calm and give him space. That’s what seems to help mainly for me, not to engage in argument any more then necessary and to give each other space until you are both calm and able to try to talk about issues.
How have you been since the last post, I hope you are doing ok?