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Lost and scared for my girlfriend
We’ve been together a good 7 months now and we’ve managed to get through the phase of acknowledging our differences and stances no problems, daisies and sunshine!
We still love each other to bits but it’s become increasingly hard to convince her she’s more valued than what she says, I’ve been met with responses like “I’ll be dead anyway” “I’ve already got a backup plan if you cheat” “even if I did put in the effort you do I’ll never look the same” “do you like me as I am so I don’t cheat if I ever looked good?” And I’ll explain why.
She’s been wanting lipo for a long time she believes it’ll fix the abuse she had growing up regarding her body image, esteem, confidence everything.
I responded badly “are you really sure you’d not wanna think twice?” and arguments insued, that like it or not she’ll go through with it even if it means getting me out of the way of her happiness.
I only did what I thought was right after she told me what she has to go through daily she doesn’t have a lot of money so I make sure she doesn’t go hungry, but she hates it when I help or pay anything for her she’s more than capable by her own as she says but I really just want to be there for her especially when her ocd and adhd act out on her confidence, esteem and mental health.
I don’t mind any of it at all I’ve tried saying things like she could try therapy again but in places I know that would be better suited for her, but she refuses since she’s had a streak of bad doctors and therapists before we met she will actively avoid any hospital because of bad experiences so if she hurts herself she’ll say she just won’t need it.
she’s told me what causes her this pain I acknowledge and agree she should work on it in her time but she won’t actively do it and any help I offer she’ll lash out at me.
Obviously lipo isn’t the end of the world and I should calm down but I really think she needs help and not a potentially hazardous procedure and then continue to go back to doing those same bad habits in routine and have it effect her mental health even more.
The operation will help her undeniably but surely there are more ways other than 8k for 6 months of happiness?
Please tell me if I could’ve done anything better I honestly think I was harsh or even in the wrong in many ways I’m just so worried she’ll lose herself emotionally and never be the same person I fell in love with and end up hurting herself more or me doing more worse than I did good thinking I’m helping.
hi and welcome to the forums.
I hope you dont mind if I reply with part of my story and in doing so you might see why your GF reacts the way she does (at least in valuing herself)...
I have been seeing a psychologist for some time. One of the things to was/is to reframe my negative thoughts. Now writing down some other way of viewing a situation is "easy" but believing what I write down was not easy to believe. In that regard it can take some time to change the way we see ourselves or situations. By way of analogy, someone could say to me "I am very much appreciated for something" until out of breath and I won't believe them. And this was a side-effect of previous experiences.
With that said... it is very nice and it sounds like you care very much for your GF and perhaps your wording could have been better. Just a hint...use "I" communication vs "you".
So what can you do...?
It sounds like she wants to do something and perhaps not yet ready. In that case you can only listen and be supportive. It is really tricky. You could look at the pages on the beyond blue web site about supporting someone else as well.
Hope some of this helps.