Lost and Confused after caught husband cheating

[Jacksh80]

I'm currently so confused about what I need to do and just feel so lost.

Caught my husband cheating on the weekend. Initially he denied it, didn't think it was cheating because nothing sexual happened, only a kiss. Eventually he admitted it was cheating. I still think he is lying to me about certain parts of events and I'm not entirely convinced nothing sexual didn't happen.

He has struggled with depression (suicidal 2.5 years ago), anger and alcohol abuse for many years after growing up in an abusive household. The alcohol intake has improved, he only drinks some weekends but will drink himself into an oblivion almost.

He had arranged to catch up with an 'old friend' and her father two weeks ago while we are on holidays visiting our families and we were staying at his mother's house. Her father didn't go to the pub, and so it was just him and her. Prior to catching up with her he told me many times if I wasn't comfortable with him catching up with her to let him know and he wouldn't, but I trusted him and would not want him to resent me if I did say no, so I said nothing. I was late to pick him up and was left waiting for an hour in the car after being told he'd be out in 5 mins. I don't know how I know but I think I knew.

On Saturday just gone he was supposed to catch up with friends - which he did- but he had also arranged to catch up with her after. he didn't get home until 2am and has been sleeping in a spare room due to back issues and our 3 year old who likes to share our bed. At home we do share a bed. I got up to go to the bathroom and I heard him sleep talking and he said "we shouldn't be doing this I'm married", I just knew. I checked his phone the next morning and found the messages, him telling her she was sexy, asking for photo's talking about how he can't stop thinking about her and the things they wanted to do. He is adamant nothing sexual happened beyond kissing as he felt guilty. He has always sworn he wouldn't never cheat and after 15 years together, this is the first time.

I love him, I do want to work it out but I just don't know how. Maybe its still too raw, we have spoken and both agreed we would like to work it through, I have told him how hurt etc I was and I speak with my psychologist tomorrow - I suffer from anxiety and have had thoughts of leaving it all behind but not suicidal a few months back after work stresses, but i just don't know what i need to do. Think i really need to get it off my chest, thanks!

[geoff]

Hello Jack, and a warm welcome to the site and can understand the complexity of what you have told us.

On many occasions, people decide that what's happened is a reason for them to move on whether I agree or disagree alters from situation to situation and I can only suggest my opinion, offer the pro's and con's for you decide on, but it's not going to be easy either way and understand the position you're in.

Whether or not his alcohol intake has improved may be shown by how he behaves, however, there can be many ways he can drink and you not know, that's only something I know from my own experience, where I was a cupboard drinker.

By saying he wouldn't cheat on you, but from what you've said it seems that this may have happened and no excuse will enough to cover anything that he's done because the trust in your marriage has been lost and this needs to be rebuilt if you are to stay together, belief in what's said is the truth.

Your meeting with your psychologist today will be an emotional one, but can I suggest you write down what you need to talk about, so when it's finished, there won't be any concerns you haven't mentioned, there will be many questions you will try to sort out, this is just the start, so please when you're able to get back to us, as there's much more that you may need to ask us, we will be very happy to try and help you.

My best.

Geoff.

[lost_girl_101]

Hi Jacksh80,

i have a cheating partner and he lied about it all too, i know this is something you probably dont want to hear but how can you trust him ever again, if he has done it once and you caught him how many other times has he cheated or messaged girls for pictures online or whatever? Im in that relationship of knowing everything my partner did for over 4 years or maybe the whole 20 years that i was with him and i had no clue that he was the type of person to do it .

I have lost trust in everyone and when i hear stories like yours it breaks my heart that these people are pulling the wool over our eyes and lying through their teeth because they got found out.

If i was you i would just lay low about it all and keep a close eye on everything he is doing and keep notes, take pictures of things. so you got it all there to throw in front of him when he lies time and time again.

Its horrible these days to be in a relationship with easy access to dating sites, online porn, mobile phones that people keep secrets on.

I know my partner is still going to brothels, meeting up with woman online , on dating sites.. he just hides it well now after i caught him out.

I was considering seeing a psychologist to help me deal with my suicide thoughts .. because every second of the day my mind sees all the stuff he did and it hurts like crazy .. i want it to all stop.

I wish you all the best and i hope your appointment goes well..

[Sophie_M]

Hi lost girl 101,

Were sorry to hear what you are going through with your partner. It must be so difficult to deal with and must hurt very deeply.  Partners who step out of the relationship can create much pain for their spouses. It sounds like you might be placing a lot of hate on yourself for what he has done which results in the suicidal thoughts.  Seeking a psychologist to support with this is positive step forward, which involves much strength.  

Please remember that there are supports for you if things get too much. There's Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).   Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  and Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.

We are here to support you and you are not alone.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

His text messages to her would be enough proof for me regardless if they had sex or not.

I hope you do work it out but trust is gone and is very hard to retrieve it.

TonyWK

[Matchy69]

Hi Jacksh80 I am really sorry that your partner cheated on you.My wife cheated on me with someone was a friend and know how you might be feeling.It felt like I had been hit with a sledge hammer.The trust you had built up over the years just vanished and has left you questioning your relationship.Wether you can rebuild the trust again with your partner will take time and you might never be able to have the full trust again.I am glad you are seeing your phychologist tomorrow this will hopefully help you try and work through what has happened and the pain it has caused.You have every right to be upset.
Take care,
Mark.

[lost_girl_101]

Hi sophie,

To some point yes i blame myself but i just dont understand why someone cheats on someone.. it has to be my fault because if he was happy he wouldnt hadnt strayed. So i hate myself for being me and for not being good enough to keep someone satisfied. I look in the mirror and feel like breaking it. All of it has made me feel like im nothing. Even before this happened i had no confidence so now its dragged me down to rock bottom that i dont like going out because what he saw to make him cheat is what everyone else sees..

I dont think a pychologist will help me, ive been to them for the past 20 years. My life hasnt been an easy one and this happening is just the icing on the cake.

He goes on with confidence, happiness and enjoying life while im left to feel like this.(shrugs shoulders)

I just feel thankful i came here and seen im not the only one because i did feel alone with it all.

[Matchy69]

Hi lost girl it is not your fault when someone cheats on you.The person who cheated on you is in the wrong.Unfortunately the person who has been cheated on is the one that gets hurt the most.When my wife at the time cheated on me I really went into deep depression and felt so ashamed that it was my fault.Time with a phychologist has made me realise it was not my fault and I deserve better then that.
Take care,
Mark.

[lost_girl_101]

Hi mark,

did you stay with your wife for a while after she cheated or did you walk away the minute you found out? you see thats probably the worse thing i hate about myself is the fact im weak and unable to walk away and how stupid i must look to still be with a person that treated me this way.

Did you ever trust anyone again after you left?

[Matchy69]

Hi lost girl,one thing you are not weak at all,just normal.After I found out my ex had cheated on me on ended up in hospital as I didn't handle it to well.I was then was discharged and went to stay with my mother but my ex asked MTO come back for our daughters sake so I did but that didn't last long as I had lost all trust in her and ended moving back to my mother's.I really did struggle to trust people afterwards but have started to trust again.I have had many counciling sessions with a phychologist to gain that trust and to have some post married life.I haven't been in a relationship since,I am still a work in progress.I know you have the strength in you as I was as low as can be.Itbis just a matter of bringing that inner strength out with support.
Take care,
Mark.