Lost a relationship, Terminated a pregnancy and moved back with my challenging mother

[Hurting_inside_and_broken]

Dear forum land,

Honestly im not really sure what im doing here as a 31yr old with a reasonable job. Part of me is willing to do almost anything to get out of the depression i feel, but then im struggling to get out of bed this morning and do anything.

Last year was horrible for me, by dad was really unwell, by stepmother passed away, i was working full time and studying full time, i was always worried about money and getting by, i had no time for my relationship and my relationship was falling apart as a result. My partner broke up with me which devastated me emotionally, financially and socially. He blocked me on facebook, refuses to talk to me without going through a lawyer, says that if i call him or go see him he will put me up on harassment charges. He has also declined the idea of professional mediation.

I was forced to move back in with my mum, who i have a very poor relationship with. My mother has no ability to support me financially or emotionally. The idea of just listening to me or huging me are absolutely foreign to her. I have friends, but i miss having a really close relationship, someone i can talk to daily and just enjoy the company of. However, i feel like now is the worst time in the world for me to seek a relationship as i just dont have it together.

Currently i am in a bit of a bind financially with debt from the relationship (approx 14k) and costs related to living expenses when moving out. And now of course legal fees. I have had to drop my hours at work so that i can work on my depression and anxiety, which has also decreased my income. I dont have spare $$ to spend on myself at the moment.

The most recent blow was when i found out i was pregnant. Like not just a bit, but on my dating ultrasound i could see a whole little human being happily growing inside of me. 16wks 4days. I was shocked at the same time going this is somewhat cool. However, out of fear, i terminated this pregancy and i have so many regrets. Regrets i gave up on the baby boy too easily, regrets i didnt tell the father until after i had made a choice and went through with the termination, fears that i will never have another healthy pregnancy again or that i will not be able to have kids any more.

I just feel like im consistently failing. At life, at work (because i dont earn enough money), as a parent and as a friend as im pretty self focused at the moment. Im seeing a pyschologist every few weeks, but im just not getting my life together

[Starwolf]

Hi Hurting Inside and a warm welcome to these forums.

Sorry so much of your life has been falling apart all at once. No wonder you are feeling overwhelmed...Depression and lack of family support make it all more difficult. I understand your pain.

First, well done for seeking assistance for your depression, a courageous step forward in the right direction. At this point in time, self-focus is called for. Nothing much is achieved if we are emotionally unwell.

Big, complex problems can only be resolved by breaking them into small pieces, one small step at a time.

Your partner has obviously placed himself out of reach. In a way, him being out of the picture will help you move on and focus on the future instead of the past.

A termination is always heart-breaking. I trust you made this difficult decision knowingly. Adding the demands and stress of single motherhood to an already shaky situation could have had disastrous consequences for yourself and the baby. Babies need and deserve a stable situation and happy parents to thrive. Although incredibly upsetting, I feel you did the wise thing considering the circumstances. So your fear had solid ground. You would have been a good, caring Mum...but sadly, the timing was wrong. Dropping the guilt feeling out of this painful equation would help you grieve for your loss and heal. Insight, love and concern for this unborn child dictated your choice. You haven't failed as a parent.

An uncomplicated termination or miscarriage will not affect later pregnancies.

We all make mistakes. That's the way we humans learn. As long as we keep learning from them, making wrong choices doesn't mean we're a failure. It often takes more than one attempt to get things right.

Thank you for sharing your story. Navigating these forums will allow you to unload the overload without fear of judgment whenever you need it. You are not alone.

Here for you.