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Losing in love

Kdashing
Community Member

One of my earliest memories of my childhood is making my mum promise me that she would never leave me. I have no idea why I have had such a fear of being alone and abandoned from such a young age. I know this has had such a huge impact on my relationships and it has reared it's ugly head everytime.

Last year I met what I thought was the man of dreams. He showed me the type of love that is all encompassing and made me completely unafraid to love him with every part of my being. He gained my trust and made me feel like I could totally rely on him and that our future was together, that this was real and he would never leave me. Recently he decided almost overnight that this wasn't what he wanted at all and left. I can't describe the pain that I've experienced since then. I feel like having someone give you everything you have ever wanted then take it away like it never existed is so unbelievably cruel. It has triggered my sense of abandonment like crazy and I am now at a loss as to where to go from here. 

This wasn't the longest relationship I have ever had yet it has really thrown me, I don't want to do anything and I feel like I have to completely rebuild myself again. I'm almost 30 and have had 3 relationships prior to this one. I left the last two due to them being unfaithful and I don't remember feeling this kind of absolute grief. Maybe because I left on my own terms before. 

I would love some ideas as to how to move on. My starting point has been to look at myself. Clearly I have some personal issues to deal with. I would love to be much stronger then I am now and be more reliant on myself for love then to try and find it within other people. I just don't know how to begin to move forward again when I have no desire to do anything right now. 

3 Replies 3

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Kdashing, welcome to beyond blue forums.

Sorry you havent had a reply earlier. It's been busy of late.

Unlucky in love- is very common. It's time to focus on how to tackle single life again.

There is the grief period you are now in. Time is the only healer along with some tips that will assist you. Try reading some of these. Even just the first post. Use search or google.

Making sense of grief

Confidence- how do you get it?

Is crying good or bad for you?

Grief- dealing with it

Boredom- the closed door to fun

Hope you feel better soon  Tony WK

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

dear Kdashing, I do hope that you are still checking on your post as it's one that I can relate to in principle.

What has unfortunately happened to you is that your one and only dream has now been shattered, something which you have so longed for, and yes it does break your heart.

My dream came true when I met my wife and we were married for some 25 years with plenty of ups and downs but that doesn't matter here, but I never thought in my wildest dreams thought that we would ever break up, because in my life this didn't ever happen so I wasn't used to it, nor had any experience of it happening, but it did and she divorced me and our dream home had to be sold.

I had no option but I had to move on and by myself, so I had to rent a property and begin life as I never would have thought, because the money from the sale of our house hadn't come through.

There's a long story in between moving into this new rented house and then starting again, but I had to do something so I decided by chance that I would do a full circle in what I used to do, because I couldn't go back to how it was before, it didn't interest me, or I had lost interest, so I started doing things which I never thought I would do, and here I am talking to you, so if you are still there please get back to us. L Geoff. x

puska
Community Member

Hi Kdashing.

It is not only insightful but very clever that you have made the connection of the fear of abandonment and your reaction to the loss of your partner.

Well done- it took me a lot longer and a psychiatrist and psychologist to help me unpack that revelation.

Yes what happened to you is cruel - no discussion, no explanation - no way to make sense of what happened.

It is information that helps us rationalise, helps us to better deal with situations. Information is empowering and you don't have that.

I can understand why this has triggered your feelings of abandonment.

You sound like you are already aware of the need to deal with issues. I was once told  - and I don't know how correct it is - that when we fall in love at first sight and the relationship moves very quickly with one partner giving all their love in absolute love and trust that they have met their soul mate there is every possibility that our subconscious  has  identified something in that person that we needed from a father or parent figure and is recognised as being able to 'fix' whatever that is in us.

How correct that is I don't know but I think it is a good statement to bring us to a point of reflection in terms of - not guilt - or blame in any way but what our needs may have been in this relationship. Especially if you recognise that you have not dealt with issues of abandonment.

For me to do this I had to seek professional help in order to unpack it a healthy way and find ways of dealing with my memories and feelings.

At the end of the day he left because of his issues - not yours - irrespective of your childhood fears of abandonment.

Sometimes we are brought together with someone who is there to help us learn life lessons. Mine was abandonment and trust. I am still working on the trust issues.

I have read and do believe that the greatest lessons in our lives are often the most painful but we become stronger, more knowledgable and better people for them - if we choose to learn.

You will be OK - you are a clever person and will come out of this  with so much more strength and understanding.