Losing direction

[Moza]

Hi there people.

I have been through a few years of losing losing losing.

Not much of a writer , but I will give it a go.

Started about 4yrs ago , when I lost my identity within my marriage, I felt controlled to the piont whereI couldn't speak for myself.

I started to gamble to escape from the control , I felt that I was in control of these moments, and it made me feel good.

Of course my then wife found out what I was doing , and told me to stop or it would end our marriage , so I couldn't stop what I was doing, and our marriage ended

While we were separated my wife started seeing someone else, and I seen them together out the back of our then home pashing. It was so hard to watch. We had been together since we were teenagers, I remember the pain from that day. And it still hurts.😢.

I then left town to head closer to my parents, who were both ill.

I was still gambling, and it got worse. I needed to go into a debit agreement to pay off the gambling debit.

Mum was very sick and dementia set in , and we , my family and I decided to put mum into a nursing home, where she could get the 24/ 7 care she needed. Well she wasn't there long and passed away.

Dad didn't take it well , his health wasn't great either, he had diabetes type 2 , and had a leg amputation, closely followed by a second, and ended up in a nursing home as well.

He didn't last long , about 18 mnths, and he also passed away

I tried to make a fresh start somewhere else, but my daughter got very ill , and now has to do dialysis every second day. She was following behind in everything that she couldn't organize. She is a single mother of three .

I have dropped everything. My full-time job, my girlfriend , and relocated back to live with her to try and turn things around .

I have got a job back where I left a few years ago, close to my X wife , and spend my time off helping my daughter. (I work 1 week on 1 week off ).

I have also started gambling again .after stopping for a while when I was with my new girlfriend .

I am lost once again, and don't know if I can continue to do what I doing. I need more help. I so sad it is all hurting 😢😢😢

I don't know if what have written, makes a lot of sense. I probably left a lot of stuff out , but I know one thing I an hurting, like I have never hurt before.

I am not a bad person.

Why does bad thingskeep happening to me😢😢😢😢

[geoff]

Hello Moza, I'm very sorry for the late reply, sometimes when the site is busy new threads get pushed onto page 2 and then 3 or 4 very quickly and people don't notice, so I apologise.

I hope you are still checking your thread even though it's 4 days old.

I'll just post this now and then continue replying.

Geoff.

[geoff]

Hi Moza, sorry it says 2 days ago but it's much longer than that.

I feel for you because your marriage has caused you to gamble, as you have told us.

It's upsetting to see your wife being intimate with another person, that must surely hurt you, however, at that stage you went into a debt agreement to pay off your debts.

I am saddened by the loss of both your parents and the illness your daughter has, must also be very upsetting, but moving back to live with her must certainly be a great help.

What seems to be happening is that you are using the gambling as a 'way out', it's compulsive so it then becomes an addiction, but you can get help, you've done it before, but maybe you have to go that extra step and start the counselling along with contacting gamblers anonymous.

You aren't a bad person at all, sometimes people are faced with circumstances that aren't just right for them, that's certainly not their fault, but we develop ways and means in our lives to feel satisfied.

Best wishes.

Geoff.