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long distance relationship breakup

Community Member
Im nearly 25 and cant get over my relationship breakup, he lived in Italy and for 3 years I did most of the travelling, and he came to Australia once because he is studying to be a doctor .. in january I went for 2 weeks and we discussed that he couldnt come back to australia between now and when he finished which is 3 years away.. then I didnt know what to do.. I couldnt be the one always going there only 2 weeks out of a year.. seeing all the studies he had to do I thought I dragged him down always being sad so  decided to take a break.. a couple of weeks ago he was acting distant and was avoiding questions.. so finally asked him if he liked someone els and he said 'maybe' I collapsed and could not breath .. it took him days to tell me who it was and was a girl in his class that I had met.. I now blame myself everyday for this, I called him and abused him the fact that it wasnt long before he liked another girl ..and I wait by my phone waiting for him to text but he doesnt.. everyday I faint I cant eat I cant sleep .. I get anxiety attacks during the night and feel like I blew my future with him .. that I should have just waited 3 more years.. im so depressed I cant do things like I used to.. im on medication and get constant nightmares about them .. I feel so useless and blame myself 
4 Replies 4

Community Member

Hi Felice,

Welcome to the beyondblue forums. First off I am sorry that you have lost your relationship. Even though it was you who first suggested the separation it is still hard to accept the feelings of rejections. If he was serious about continuing a relationship with you he possibly would have made an effort to visit you more assuming that he can afford to do so.

There is a resource on the site here dealing with women and separations which might help you understand your feelings. I am not sure how you manage a long distance relationship like that. I like to have a physical presence. Although I know it might be necessary for couples at different times in their lives.

If you value this guy as a friend have you thought about just trying to maintain a friendly connection and see what happens in the future. 




Community Member

Hi there Felice


I’d like to wish you a warm welcome to Beyond Blue and to thank you for coming here and providing your post.


I hope I’m not going to be too harsh with my response to you, because that is the last thing that I am wishing to do.


You know what, I don’t believe you blew your future with him.  Not for one second.  You say you should have waited for another 3 years!!   Holy smoke, that I believe is a damn long time to wait for someone and at the end of that you cannot be sure if the relationship would have remained the same after all that time.  What I’m trying to say here is, maybe, you could have gone on for another 3 years, but maybe you might have found out at the end of that time, that he’d found someone else during that time and wow, I could imagine if that was the case, that things for you would have been SO MUCH worse.


I understand the shattered feeling you are experiencing now (been there done that, but not with a distance relationship) and it does cause you to question yourself and question the “if’s” and the “maybe” options.  It’s the human response of “beating yourself up” (and boy, am I familiar with this – too much).   I don’t want to say that it will pass, as in these feelings that you’re having, but I will (damnit, I didn’t want to say that, but there you go).


I’m pleased that your on medication;  are you also having any counselling to help you  through this period?   Now you’ve mentioned that this is still very new and raw for you, as it only happened a couple of weeks ago, so at this time the feelings are strong for you.


The thing I would suggest (and you’ll probably tell me to go to hell with this) is to try to get out and do the activities that you’ve done in the past that you enjoy, and I’ve got no idea what they might be, but whether you’re a sporty person, or go to the gym, cycling, running, any thing – I would try to get out and do something along those lines.  You may not feel like it or want too, but the more you can do this now, the easier things will become.


Would love to hear back from you.



Community Member
Hey neil thanks for the advice .. its really good to know that other people have gone through similar situations.. im not getting counselling but have thought about it.. im so lucky to have a family that cares so much about me but feel angry at myself because I know it breaks there heart to see me this way, its good to hear that I shouldnt blame myself as I keep doing that for some reason, its like my emotions go up and down and I cant control it  

Community Member

Dear Felice,

Your post reminded me so so much of me and my first serious relationship. I also did the long distance thing and I have vowed now that I will never again. 
It is so hurtful when the person that is supposed to love you, ends up hurting you beyond belief. I am so sorry that you have to go through this pain. But please know that you are not alone, that I understand what you are going through completely, and through the countless times I felt like I couldn't make it...I am still here. 

Firstly, DO NOT blame yourself and you are by far useless. Long distance relationships are very difficult and unless both parties are completely dedicated, it simply Will.Not.Work. It seems you were the dedicated one to the relationship while he was just dedicated to his studies. You did the back and forth travelling..Sounds more than a little selfish?

There is no way you should have waited another 3 years for him! Definitely not. Because sorry for my frankness but he didn't seem to wait at all for you. And that is not the kind of man you want in your life. You did NOT blow your future with him. In life we all have choices. You chose to be loyal and not look in another man's direction. Darling, you weren't the one to blow this. He blew his chances with YOU. 

I know it hurts now and don't take this the wrong way but I am so happy for you that this has happened now and not later. My story went a little more twisted cos my ex and I got engaged. He started acting funny and THEN i found out that was cheating. Within two months of our breakup, i learnt through facebook that he got the girl he was cheating with pregnant and three months after our breakup he was married to her...Needless to say I became a wreck and I felt like it was blow after blow. 
I know it is so hard now and to even believe that things will get better, but from someone who has been there at the lowest of lows...I promise you that one day the nightmares will cease. I promise you that your heart wont skip a beat when you hear his name. The anxiety will calm down and in turn you will be so much stronger. Your breathing will return to normal and you will smile again. You will learn from this and be much wiser in your future choices. 
I'm glad to hear your family supports you. Its beautiful to know that there are people who want the best for us. Be patient with yourself...time to heal.
Here for you if you need 🙂