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Long Distance Relationship and major Anxiety
My boyfriend of almost a year (were both 30 year's old) moved back to the UK just before Christmas as he was missing home and his family. We decided to keep the relationship going as we both love each other very much, and it was very painful and hard for both of us when he left. As he has gone back to work and is extremely busy there we don't talk as frequently as we were (We usually speak on the phone in the morning - my time, his night time) And send the odd text during the day. It gets hard sometimes when there is an 8 hour time difference.
The thing is, i worry and stress out all the time that he is dead and has either been involved in a car accident or hasn't woken up from his sleep. If he doesn't text back or read my message via whatsapp within an hour or two (which is usually the case) i assume the worse and start having major attacks. I have ended up in tears many times over this. It's so severe that i constantly check the traffic reports in the UK around his area and I've even gotten in the habit of checking when he was last active on facebook and when it says over a certain amount of hours when i know he should have been awake and probably checked facebook my stomach sinks. He left his phone at home whilst visiting his family the other weekend and i couldn't get a hold of him for over 8 hours. I ended up calling his mum at 5am my time who told me he had just left their house about 10 minutes ago and that he had left his phone at home. His phone went dead overnight not long ago and i couldn't get through to him and my first thought was he was obviously dead. I am not like this, this is not me. When he was here i never worried about his welfare once. But now he is living over 9000 miles away it's become a daily thought. The only rest i get from constant worry and panic is when i know he is asleep and when i eventually get to sleep. I've tried talking to my parents about this but they just think i am being ridiculous and honestly it is ridiculous, but at the time when i'm thinking he has died on the side of the road, got his by a bus or died in his sleep it's all valid thoughts. I feel as if i'm going crazy and i don't know what to do about it, i'm having trouble sleeping, eating and just feeling as if i'm suffocating. I don't want to feel like a crazy stalker, and i certainly don't want my loved ones thinking i'm insane. I really need help or comfort from someone who know's what i'm going through- just something!
The day he left he was in tears and saying he's made a big mistake by going home, now things have calmed down he is uncertain of where his home is. Thing's are up in the air at the moment with that and it is causing a lot of stress on both sides. I am planning on visiting in the next month or so, and i have though about moving but i know if i do that i will probably have the same anxiety over there with my family being over here. I just don't know what to do, obviously i want there to be a future for us but at the moment there is nothing set in concrete for me to look towards.
Hello goingcrazy86, I'm not sure if the insight alone will help you, but anxiety is all about uncertainty, so it makes total sense to me that you are feeling so triggered right now. You're uncertain what the future holds, and so your mind races in to fill in the gaps with all sorts of horrible scenarios, all to do with losing the relationship because this is probably your greatest fear right now. You're panicking over an anticipated sense of loss.
You can learn to manage anxiety symptoms through thought challenging, distraction etc, but it sounds to me like this would only scratch the surface, I think you would be better served by learning to accept the situation as it is, including the uncertainty. Perhaps explore in your mind what life would be like if your relationship were to end. I know this isn't a pleasant thing to do, but often anxiety can be alleviated by imagining what would happen to you if the "worst case scenario" were to happen. I imagine when you go for your visit soon you will be having a big discussion about your future - if you weren't planning on that I would thoroughly recommend it. Having your life in a holding pattern is not fair on either of you.
What you are saying makes sense as to why i could be feeling this way as it has only gotten this extreme in the past few weeks, i suppose it was also around the same time i realized he might not be coming back after all.
If we broke up i could deal with that as i have been heartbroken before, it's the constant worry that something bad has happened to him that would still consume me. We definitely will be having a conversation about our future when i'm there as like you said it is not fair on the both of us and if we will never be in the same country or able to have our own family together then there really isn't any point to the relationship. Thank you for your advice much appreciate it.