Lonely Without Love

[flower_girl1]

So. I am 26F, and I have never had a boyfriend, never been in love, never had any more than a passing crush on someone.

I have been pretty busy most of my adult life so it was never an issue but now that I am no longer studying it is really getting to me.

 I grew up around guys, I only have brothers and most of my cousinds are guys and my my brothers friends were always around so it was just guys guys guys. That was why I have never been boy crazy I just got really sick of guys cause I always saw their bad side.

I have never wanted to play the field, and the idea of dating is just terrifying. I have no desire to sit in judgement with someone and find out if I can fall in love with them. I would listen to friends who were dating and they would be like, yeah I don't really like this guy, I'm probably gunna dump him soon. I would hate to be in this situation, I dont want to be with anyone unless I love them.

People ask me about dating all the time and I swear they have no idea how awful they are being!I dont know what to say to them, that I dont want to go boy hunting.

 I really dont know why I cringe at the idea of a guy hitting on me, or why I virtually never see a guy and think I might like.

I have joined an online dating site to try and force myself to do this. But its just making me upset, I have no idea what I am looking for really but every face I see looks ordinary and un exciting.

Growing up the world gives you this impression that love means true love, epic love, head over heals in love. And I dont want to settle for anything less. I feel like there is something wrong with me, evryone else seems to find this so straight forward and easy but to me its like entering the hunger games. For the longest time I just kept telling myself I don't want a boyfriend I like my independance, which is true. But what I really wish I had was someone I truely love. And I guess I am wondering if this really happens, or if people just convince themselves to fall in love with the right person.

So yeah this is what's getting me down at the moment. Is it a ctually possible? Or is it just a fairy tale?

 Flower Girl

[MisterM]

Hi flower girl,

I am almost 32 and have never had a girlfriend.
It is something which upsets me a lot, I feel like I am going to die alone.
It also causes me embarrassment amongst friends and family.
People always ask my parents if I have a girl.
People including family also think I am gay because of never having a girlfriend.
It sucks I know. I hope we both find love.
Valentines day makes me feel bad.

[Zeal]

Hi Flower girl,

I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 21, and it didn't work out because I felt uncomfortable in the relationship and ultimately didn't want to be more than friends. It didn't help that he was older, and I was so inexperienced with dating. However, I met a great guy in January 2015. We were in the same friendship group, and started dating in May last year. As of this month, we have been together for 9 months. This is the first time I have genuinely been in love. It's an incredible feeling, and I honestly thought I wouldn't find the right person. I had very low self-esteem as a teenager, and I only started feeling comfortable within myself at about 21.

I just thought I'd let you know that not having had a relationship in your twenties is not rare or a bad thing. A handful of people I know well (in their twenties) have never had a relationship before, and they are great people. They just either haven't felt comfortable about it yet or haven't met someone they're interested in. The fact that you have been busy living an independent life and have studied, is great. It is admirable and attractive for people to be actively engaged in life and be heading somewhere career-wise or goal-wise. As you've grown up around guys, you will know how to engage with them and perhaps even be at ease around male friends or acquaintances.

People can be a bit nosy when they ask about someone's "love life", but this is hard to avoid unfortunately. Just be as casual and to-the-point as possible, by saying something like "I'm not dating someone right now" or "I'm single at the moment." If you're forthright about it, they are probably less likely to keep prying. I have a male friend who avoids answering questions about his love life, which makes our friends question him even more and get really curious.

I have also never liked the idea of "playing the field", and I have never viewed dating as a game. I think it is more natural this way. Don't let others convince you to change the way you act or go about things, simply because it has worked for them or is the "social norm". Just keep socialising, perhaps talk to close female friends you trust about relationships, and keep being yourself. I have OCD (anxiety) which can irritate my family. Interestingly enough, my boyfriend isn't even slightly bothered by it!

Don't lose hope 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[blondguy]

Hi Flower Girl

I read your post and I actually think you are very smart to be single at such a great age..SM speaks very true words here...especially about people being 'stickybeaks' asking you about your lovelife...It appears that they dont have too much to do with their time....I feel sorry for them Flower Girl

Your independence is a fine quality.....and when you meet the 'right guy' you will know..you wont have to 'look'

Right now you can do whatever you want to...you are a free spirit...and congrats for being the way you are..:-)

I have anxiety which pushes a lot of girls away, but I know I will meet a kind hearted girl...sooner or later

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi flower_girl,

One question for you: are you doing this because you want to, or because you feel like you need to?

Just to make things clear; there is nothing wrong with being single.  I think that society puts on a lot of pressure that we need another person/partner to live the fairytale and be 'complete', but really we are complete on our own. 

In my own experience, love has never been 'fairytales' and 'head over heels'.  It's been hard, super hard.  There's been a lot of tears and arguments.  But yes, sometimes it does feel great too - sometimes I do feel rather lucky that I've found someone who can love me as hard as he does, despite everything.  Maybe it will last, maybe it won't - but I won't know unless I give it my all.  

I do know that I never knew in the beginning that it was going to be love.  I had to invest a bit in the relationship to see if it would work out.  Love for me is about vulnerability; something that we don't see on dating sites.  But at the same time I was never really one to date; I hung out with my other single friends.

I hope this is somewhat helpful?!   Talking about love is hard in that there's no tried and tested advice; just bundles of experiences.  My own advice from my own experience is this: remove the pressure.  Forget about what it should look like and just go with what feels good.

Cheers,

[pipsy]

Hi flower_ girl.  I guess what it comes down to is, are you happy with your life as it is.  As long as you're happy, it doesn't really matter what others say.  People are always going to make comments about single men and women, because that's human nature.  I have colleagues at work who are happily single, one is in his 50's, one in her 30's.  The 30 year old has her own home, complete with dog.  If she wants to go away somewhere, she can.  She's had exchange students living with her from time to time, and finds them great company.  The 50 year old is also happy.  He reckons he's seen too many so-called 'happy' couples end in divorce and have to split their lives up to want to go down that road.  You don't have to justify to anyone about why you're single.  You could try advertising for a male flatmate, that would give you an idea whether you could live with a man.  Don't do something just because you're being pushed into it, though.  When and if the time is right, you will meet the 'right' guy, if you don't and you're happy, isn't that the main thing.  Men are quite often better as just friends than in relationships, if you're an independent type person.  Men in relationships like girls to commit time to them, if you're not comfortable doing that, you're not in the right place for a relationship.           

[geoff]

dear Flower Girl, there have been many very good comments by those above me, especially those who are 'stickybeaks', well
unfortunately there are many people who just won't give up, wanting to know all the gossip, so that what you have said
can be spread around multipying enormously from your origanal comment, sometimes this can be very upsetting, and then
makes us withdraw, but those who so strong can laugh it off, but it doesn't happen too frequently.
We all want love either in a relationship or not, because we can still love someone even though we aren't attached with them, that's friendship love, not quite as strong as true love though.

There can be a problem and that's if someone says to you that they love you, just so a relationship can be formed, but
this doesn't naturally mean that they will love you, support you and is able to talk about any confronting issue, rather
than becoming dominant, then you wished that would have stayed single, or keep looking.
Love is such a fabulous word, and indeed to be in love with someone has a feeling that you have not experienced before,
and even making up after a disagreement has it's benefits which are rewarding, however when nothing can be settled may
also lead onto other arguments, so then we begin to fall out of love, so in other words, don't rush into trying to be in
love, because the relationship will not last and end in disappontment.
It will come along at some stage in your life, and remember age has no bearing on when you 'should' be in love, because
there is never any such time in your life when this should happen, no matter how much pressure is put on you, so never be
forced to find a partner, this happen naturally in life. Geoff. x