Lonely mumma vent

[nellie89]

These days I don't really leave my house. I have 2 kids under 3, I live in a small town, I've only lived here for about a year, I barely know anyone and haven't made any friends.
It's made me wonder lately if maybe I'm just not cut out for friends. Its something I've struggled with my whole life. I remember my mum being called in for a meeting in primary school with my teachers because they were concerned I didn't have friends in my own year level. I moved just before the beginning of high school so I knew no one when I began high school and struggled with going from a primary school of 300 to a high school of 2000.
I bounced from group to group the first few years of high school. I remember being told I wasn't allowed to hang out with whichever group I was currently with anymore because they didn't like me anymore. Teenage girls really suck.
I spent most of year 10 on my own not really speaking to anyone. It was easier to just spend lunchtimes in the girls bathroom waiting for the lunch bell to ring.
I finally thought I'd found a good group at the start of year 11. My mental health started going rapidly downhill in the beginning of year 12, And then I found a letter in my locker saying that my group of friends didn't want me around anymore. I was crushed beyond words. I spiralled and ending up throwing in year 12. It took me another 2 years until I had another group of friends take me under their wing. I thought I'd hit the jackpot. A group of strong single successful women that had a great time and seemed like great support to each other. And they were that for me for a few years. Until my depression got in the way again. One day I went to contact one of them on Facebook and realised she'd deleted me, looking further afield I realised that they'd all deleted me. These women were all over 30 and again I got told it was because I was too negative.
Since then I haven't really tried too much. I thought maybe some of my sister in laws could be potential but they have their own friends and are not very receptive when I suggest anything.
So here I am. Almost 30, a lonely mother in the grips of PND with that lovely anxiety disorder rearing its ugly head again.
I know I'm a miserable person to be around sometimes, and I'm working on it. I'd give anything just to have a close friend to talk to. There's so much going on in my life at the moment and it's so hard and stressful. I'm sure my poor partner and mum need a break from being the only adults I talk to.

[Croix]

Dear Nellie89~

First off I'd like to welcome you here, it's a place where many people have struggled with depression and PND too. We all try to encourage and help those that post here and say what has helped us.

Before going any further may I ask if you are under treatment for depression or you PND? As a person who has had bouts of depresion and other things I was never capable of fixing it myself and had to have outside support. The encouraging thing is I'm a whole lot better than I used to be.

If you are under treatment I'd suggest going to your doctor and asking for you regime to be reviewed, it does not sound as if it is being as effective as it should. If you are not then please go to your GP and say all that has hapened and how you are feeling, it can be a pathway to a better life.

Friends at scholool are a problem, particularly if you do not grow up with the same people and have to go to a new school. Children are insecure and join tribes to bolster thier feelings of safety. Tribes by their very nature exclude others. Children are also fickle and are completly incapable of empathising - or at least taking action to protect - those on the out.

So if one is excluded the normal reactions close in, feelings of failure, lack of self worth, and beleiving one has nothing to offer in a friendship. I notice those very hurtful rejections tended to be 'once removed', ie on paper or by Facebook, a rather cowardly way of doing things.

Frankly although it is hard to realise those persons were never your friends - just aquantances. I've found in a long life one can count the number of true friends on one hand, the number of aquantances in the thousands.

Having a partner and mum to talk to is a real blessing, and while one should always try to look after them, so they will want to look after you too.

All you can do is be yourself and see what happens. I would imagine with the start of pre-school and other things to do with your kids opportunities to meet fresh faces are around the corner.

I'd really like it if you posted again and said more about yourself and your life

Croix

[nellie89]

Thank you for welcoming me 🙂

Im thankful those people are not in my life anymore. In hindsight, your definitely right, they weren't true friends and I'm glad they're gone.

I'm finally starting to take some action and I'm trying to find a GP locally I'm comfortable with that actually listens. I'm seeing one tomorrow for blood test results but when I saw him last week he brushed me off quickly when I wanted to discuss my mental health and said I'd need to make another longer apppontment another day because he only wanted to focus on my anemia. I've been on medication for about 6 years now, absolutely hate it. But I get so physically sick if I don't take it and so far I haven't found a GP too willing to discuss another medication/s.

My life's pretty stressful these days. My partner can't work for medical reasons so money's tight to say the least and I have debt from when I was working before the kids and when my partner was working. So I'm having to look into bankruptcy as it seems to be my only real option according to my financial councillor. But I'm trying to look at that as a means to and ends and I'm hoping once there's no more harassing phone calls I'll feel a weight removed.

We've had a pretty unlucky couple of years, apart from the kids being born of course, so it's taken a pretty big toll on my relationship and it's touch and go with whether we'll make it. We're both incredibly stressed and taking it out on each other.

Thank you again for your reply, I appreciate it.

[Eiendbdhd]

I used to be very social and had an extensive group/groups of friends. Now I have one or two really and they have busy lives, so I feel alone A LOT. Being a mum is very isolating and regardless of our history, our outcomes don't sound that different. It's probably less who you are, and more the people you're exposed to or drawn to. Not everyone has such a perfect life that they can remain positive all the time, that's what friends are meant to be there for. Everyone has their own drama but as long as the support is mutual, there's no reason a relationship can't be maintained.

I couldn't help but see your comment above. My partner works in finance and often mentions that debtors have a hardship option that you can apply for. Obviously I'm not familiar with your circumstances but if you can at least get them to back off for a bit, it might ease some tension.

[Croix]

Dear Nellie89~

Thank you for your thanks:), it helps, I guess everyone here needs appreciation.

First I think your doctor was right - I'd imagine it's not so much brushing off as wanting to do it properly, a long consultation is definitely the way to go for MH discussions. Even that amount of time can feel too short. Perhaps if you can be organized to use the time to best advantage? I found taking in a paper I'd written myself at my leisure and going though it with the doctor helped a lot.

The other thing I noticed you said that unfortunately both you and your partner take it out of each other when stressed. This is very common indeed, but not good. You need each other - especially in the current circumstances.

May I suggest giving something a try? It's what my partner and I have done and it works well.

Simply make an agreement to never say anything that will deeply hurt the other, or something that cannot be taken back. As examples never say I'm going to divorce you, if your partner is overweight you never say you are so fat, and so on.

It is very difficult to keep to this agreement - no argument from me on that - but it is magic. It creates a feeling of security, and of being loved.

I've married twice - my first partner passed away. The same as my current partner, and we both wanted to learn from the mistakes of our first marriages. This was one way of doing so.

I'm glad you posted again and hope you keep doing so

Croix