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Lonely and feeling like im detaching from my 4yr relationship with my bf.

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Iv been in a relationship with my bf for 4years ,it hasn't been completely smooth sailing he is a widow 2years prior to me meeting him.I have learnt he is slightly different in the dating game compared to others,as he & his wife were together for 24years ,she died suddenly from a burst enyurism.very sad for the family. He was left with 2 teenage children.The issue at hand recently is,he is a truck driver has been for as long as iv known him but this new company hes started with 6 months ago has been offering more work further away from home.Now he hasnt taken them up on it due to myself needing surgery to have ovarian cancer removed (stage0-T1-contained contamination) all went well,9 weeks ago now.3weeks ago he went back to work & suddenly not coming home.im aware sometimes he can be away 1 or 2 nights here & there thats fine,but its been 3weeks & hes only been home 3nights out of these 3 weeks. He failed to inform me the 1st week he had taken an offer from the company to work away for the next 6 months!He didnt even talk to me about this he just went.I let him know of my concerns & hurt from not being Informed & his response is"just know I love you & its great money ".im just taken back by this & how he hasnt taken any consideration into how its impacting me here at home on my own with my 2 children his step kids.We live together in his house we have 3 acres,alot of animals.Im still on recovery but semi manageable to do light work around here . But my main issue is he never spoke to me about this decision pre to taking it on let alone Inform me of it,the 1st week he was away.I asked him was he aware of these extra nights away & he had chosen to lie to me all week until he finally sent a message confessing he was offered it & took it but this message only came after i told him I was leaving as non of his actions in absence made any sense.i know sounds crazy my decision but he has a nack of stonewalling me by walkin out mid convo or avoiding any issues that involve him making any effort in the relationship.Im known as the glue. Ugh!Over the last 3 weeks I have let him know how I am feeling & how its hurt me & how im not coping but his response to this is bleak & not in relation to my concerns.Im feeling very drained hurt miserable & just not coping & all he says is just know I love you & I long for you.. im not even sure if all of this will make any sense to an outsider but please any input would be great . Ask anythin if needed


1 Reply 1

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Gidday Ms Milz

I can certainly feel the deep felt emotional hurt and confusion in your post.

Congratulations for having the courage to join the forum, how did you feel after writing the post - did it make create any improvement to the way you feel at all?

Its a difficult situation, but as I understand it, not that uncommon when a guy enters into a new relationship after such a long time married. It can be hard for the male to recognise that you are a different person with your own unique personality, wants and needs. Not like his wife who unfortunately died suddenly.

On top of that is the operation you have had - I sincerely trust things are OK with that.

It is encouraging that you have communicated with him about how you feel, that is an important step. It seems that he likes the relative solitude that his truck driving offers. What has to be uncovered is how he really feels about being away from you for so long.

There are just a few suggestions that I hope will help your thoughts:

1. Please look after yourself. You have done a massive amount of work on this situation with empathy and understanding. Self love and self respect is so important so don't let that slip.
2. Try not to feel hopeless but regard this as a test, maybe an opportunity to look back on later and reflect what you may have learnt. They say that adversity strengthens us, but the journey can be rotten at the time.
3. After telling him that you love him and value your relationship, is it time to discuss further how his behaviour, silences and time away has impacted you? Be very clear and caring, not judgemental or critical, as you don't want to inflame the situation. But if he understands that you are his 'Rock' and he is hurting you, it may have a positive effect on his thought process. Maybe try listing the things you would love from him such as a 'date night' every couple of weeks, how many days a month you would like him to be at home etc.
4. Now this is a tough one. I also wonder when it might be time to ask him if he wants the relationship to continue? He may think he is dropping hints about how he feels but, maybe some closure needs to be applies to this?

Only you can judge how you feel about doing this as you appear to love your partner and the care you are showing is amazing. But it is a two way street and he has to show he loves you back, not just by saying it.

All the very best, hope this helps a little!
Love to hear back from you. Thanks again for your post..

The Bro.