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Loneliness and Disconnection
Hello. I am looking for some ideas to change a crippling loneliness and depression that has followed me all my life. Sigh.
I grew in a single parent home as an only child with a mother who worked full-time (often nights and weekends). I always felt lonely and different. I went to a Catholic school, my mother said so I would not repeat the mistakes she made (which I suspected was getting pregnant at 16, resulting in me, the mistake). All the other kids had big Italian and Greek family, mum, dad, 5 siblings and 74 cousins. I spent a lot of my childhood at my grandparents alone amusing myself. I was SA by an older cousin and one of the key things I walked away thinking was that if my dad was here that would never have happened. I hadn't even met my dad, he was never spoken about, it was like he never existed but I missed him so much.
I did meet my father at 17 and he was very shy as was I and there really wasn't any conversation. He had my details but didn't reach out to me. When I was 23 and had a 2 year daughter I reached out again and we connected, not as a father daughter, but I wanted my daughter to have a grandpa. We stayed in touch for about a year and I was invited to family things. It is worth noting that within two years of my birth he met a women with two children from a previous relationship and he was an active dad to them. I appreciate that my grandparents on both sides felt it was better he wasn't part of my life, but I wish at some point he would have wanted to know me. (He wasn't into drugs or anything bad just at 17 and 19 they thoughts my parents were too young). Anyway after a year we fell out of touch and it was 6 months later than 12 than 3 years and no further contact. I didn't want to initiate or chase him again, I left it to him and it just never happened. I feel rejected by him, especially because he was a great dad to these other children and two more of his own.
In the 20 years since I have had a few relationships but just struggle to feel accepted enough. I want to be with someone who wants to commit, marriage, not long-term boyfriend/girlfriend.
I struggle to make friends, I struggle to maintain relationships with loved ones. My daughter for example I don't contact more than once a month because I don't think she wants more than that.
I live alone 400km away from her and other family and my best and only friend.
I just feel really invisible and lost.
Welcome to the forum. Thanks for sharing your story. This is a very caring and supportive place.
I can understand ow your background and your need to have your dad in your life has affected your life. I wonder if your dads wife discouraged him from being involved in your life.
Do you text, Facebook message, what's app ,email your daughter? Has she said she does now want more contact or is that your opinion. YOu could try contacting her weekly and see if she replies.
Loneliness is crippling as you write . Are you eyeing a doctor about your depression?
I was wondering if you have an interest and maybe could find other people with a similar interest and joining a group..
Have you spoken to a counsellor about your background and how it has affected you?
Thanks for sharing your story. Many people reading this will relate to your story.
Welcome to the forums,
I read your story and want to thank you for sharing, I can relate to the place your at now in your journey..That is, I live around 400 Kilometres from my sons with not much contact..and my friends, and the loneliness I feel at times is so overwhelming.
I was going to ask you about seeing a dr, but Quirky has already asked that question to you...if your not seeing one, cannyou please try to consider it.. only if you want to..
Your not alone Bec, keep talking here if you feel like it, I'm never far away and am looking forward to hearing from you and I would like to talk some more to you, if that's okay,
Thankyou Quirky and Grandy for responding.
I have been on anti-depressants in the past and they have worked for me, really well. What happens though is I don't follow through with any type of counselling or other therapy. I stopped taking them because I actually wanted to live life and do things, not just sit at home being happy but not having a life. I hope that makes sense... I felt like they were just masking my mood.
I have been to see a GP in the last year several times. The first time was anxiety related, we were going through a take-over at work and my manager just kept taking on more and more work which he doesn't actual do but passes on to me. I was close to a breakdown, I ended up making a complaint against him (as I was so close to resigning through stress). Part of the result of that was I couldn't be near him (felt my blood pressure going through the roof), so I moved from an open plan office area with 6 other people to the other side of the building in an isolated office. It felt like punishment but at the same time nothing else I could do. About 2 months later I moved into a different building and shared an office again. so much better. Anyway sorry I am getting off track, went to the doctor said I was anxious and need medication. He is a really busy, full of energy person as well (same as my boss) but he didn't want to give me the medication but did and also started lots of blood tests. I have seen him again about being tired and lethargic, lost interest in life etc, he always goes back to blood tests, more thyroid tests, diabetes. I am 50kg overweight and the bloods aren't great but he himself said they are borderline. I am booked in for weight loss surgery in a week's time after waiting for 15 months. I think a lot of health issues will resolve themselves but not the loneliness. I am open to seeing someone else but I think I would need to see a different GP to get a referral, which means a different clinic. Again, very open to the idea and something I want to do regarding my issues with food as well.
I was part of a volunteer organisation and that was great for 4 years. I was in officer positions, on board, very involved. I ended up leaving because I was doing a lot of admin (which is what I do at work so wanted something different) and there were also some politics involved that I couldn't agree with. Leaving that club has eliminated my life outside of word. I couldn't go back to that club but could do something else.
So as well as leaving the club I have made some positive changes. I rented out my house in a country town with 200 people and no friends and moved to the city I work in 30km away. I share a unit with someone but she is only here about 4 days a fortnight and keeps to herself when she is here. I started a small group playing cards once a week. I am trying to start a small social group on Facebook for singles, but no-one seems to want to leave their houses. I do really feel like I am trying. I really, really, desperately want to have a fulfilling life. If I don't organise the card nights, they don't happen and I haven't for the last couple of weeks.
I haven't dated in 18 months because I have been waiting to lose the weight. Currently the men I attract are 15 plus years older than me and I want something different. Hope that doesn't sound too bad.
I have organised tables at a couple of trivia nights and they have been good but few and far between and more importantly why wont people respond. Why wont they invite me places, why do I have to do all the chasing? It really makes you feel there is something wrong with you.
It is just so frustrating and I want to break-free from this loneliness and isolation.
I should add, finally, I have now been moved to another area where I have my own office again. I hate the isolation. This move was just geography, we were squeezed in after the merger and now have more space. It is not that I can't work with people. One of the girls I have confided in with at work has suggested I ask to be moved into an open/shared area again.
Anyway, thanks for listening and sorry for saying so much. I haven't seen or spoken to anyone all weekend.