Living with parents

[Loulou79]

Hi there

I'm new here and am basically seeking any advice.

My partner and I recently moved in with my parents due to both parties needing to find a bigger space to rent, and therefore we decided to pool our finances together to rent a bigger home.

Backstory: My parents initially loved my partner while he had a professional job in the city, but he recently gave that away to focus on pursuing his dream which I am fully supportive of. That's just the thing. They are furious that he does not contribute financially to our life together at the moment and that I'm the sole income earner. My partner and I got engaged and have decided to start a family and my parents feel that there is no way that we can do this on one income.

We had quite some words over my parents concerns before moving in with them and we felt that we had all come to a mutual understanding and respect for one another. However, since moving in together they have treated my partner poorly and have said that he is turning me against them. The truth is, their behaviour has been so childish (talking under their breath, laughing under their breath, disagreeing with everything he says, blaming him for things around the house etc.) It's the very behaviour that we teach our children not to do. I love and trust my partner period, and I am one lucky woman to have found him. I have therefore spoken with my parents on numerous occasions (sometimes it led to very loud arguments between us because they would not listen to me or let me finish talking), trying to help them to understand that they are actually also hurting me by hurting my partner, but they still continue to treat him poorly.

The fact is we are stuck in this situation as we cannot afford to move again and we have a year left on the lease. My partner is so very patient and repeatedly ignores my parents behaviour, but I know it's taking a toll on him. We have a little one arriving in less than 3 weeks and I just need some advice on how to move forward or how I can help my partner while we are all under this roof for a year. I can feel how hard it must be for him to be treated this way all the time, especially seeing he works from home and my parents are retired and are not very socially active and therefore stay home all the time watching his every move.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thank you for reading my post and I hope to hear from you soon.

[Croix]

Dear Loulou79~

You are already giving your partner the most precious of gifts, putting him first. I had my relationship with my parents severed because I put my partner first and was determined to marry her.This left her in no doubt who was uppermost in my mind. You are doing the same thing.

An area private from your parents would help you both if that were possible, you need privacy just like anyone else.

Having said that the whole dynamics are going to be different when you have the baby and I really don't have any idea what difference it will make, except your own personal lifestyles will be turned upside down.

What do you think will happen? Will your parents want to help?

Croix

[Loulou79]

Thank you for your prompt reply Croix. It is very much appreciated.

Knowing that someone else has experienced something very similar does oddly make you feel better. I have often heard people say this, but actually going through it and receiving your advice and comforting words has really helped.

Today, things came to a head where I simply broke down in front of them quite hysterically to let them know the affect it is having on me; their daughter that they are meant to love. I was messy with my words (being highly pregnant does not help), but I think they got the message. My partner and I are resolute in our support of each other and I let them know this (as I have said many times before to them), and feel they may have got the message as their behaviour has been somewhat improved since returning home from an outing today.

We have our own side of the home, but it is one home, so all the living spaces are mutual. My parents I believe do want to be present for this journey and help out as "loving" grandparents. I'm just hoping that this change in behaviour is ongoing for the rest of the lease and for the sake of our little human.

I guess only time will tell and that having faith that people will treat you respectfully is the way forward. Glass half full mentality.

[Croix]

Dear Loulou79~

Having a melt-down can be useful on occasions, it really brings home to others the seriousness of your feelings.

I guess at times it can be useful to look past people's behavior to their motives. My parents were sneering, unkind, rude and dismissive of my potential partner, but they did this for reasons of social standing and class barriers. No redeeming virtues at all.

Yours may be genuinely concerned you are going to be in the situation of having a family without enough income to support this and may blame your partner for not bringing in sufficient funds.

This may not excuse their attitude or behavior, but might be at least part of it - what do you think? If so what do you think might ease their concerns or at least put them to one side when interacting with your partner and yourself?

Croix

[solDC]

I'm late to this party but would like to thank you for sharing your story. I hope you are both doing well and that your partner is finding true fulfilment in his dream. Fully committing to pursue a dream is a rare thing nowadays.

I would like to say thanks because we are in a similar situation as you were and it has been depressing for me to navigate the social situation (hence why I'm reading your post). My partner also had a great job in the city but also decided to drop the job to pursue his dream. My parents did not like this lifestyle change. Unfortunately they are also very anxious/passive aggressive/emotionally distant/overcontrolling and do not discuss their opinions on serious matters openly (or to each other), so when we do discuss it escalates into personal attacks, mostly toward my partner. To me, also an anxious person, this is highly stressful. Add into the mix a newborn whom my parents love very much, and you have a bit of a complicated situation. I guess the only saving grace is that we have our own place. I would be in a much worse mental state if we were all under one roof. I do acknowledge though that my parents have provided some physical help with finances and care of the newborn, but my partner has warned me of the danger of receiving help that subconsciously comes with "strings attached"- which will definitely be part of the problem with receiving accommodation from them in your case.

My partner is has very high emotional intelligence so he takes most of the emotional beating that us anxious people take out on him. However, I have seen him cry because of their nasty accusations (he is usually the one consoling me when I cry), and as a matter of priority for my own family I have decided to decrease personal contact with them - for the mental wellbeing of my partner, my child and myself. Yes, this is painful for them, but their actions have demonstrated that they are not willing to acknowledge/work on their own problems, and are not equipped for constructive support of my family.

Again, thank you for your post.