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living alone

randomx
Community Member

Wondering do you live alone if you don't mind me asking , and how long for , how do you find it ?

No need for any details if your not comfortable or anything like that, not prying just wondering about it all.

l've been living alone on off mostly 5yrs now since splitting with ex w. My daughter use to stay a lot but not much these days, 16, bf and friends over in her town, 20mins away . Also had a friend staying over a lot for awhile or me her place, separate rooms just friends. Then met my gf, together nearly two but 70% long distance,talking 24 7 non the mess but still mostly living alone. That ahsn't worked out and, still living alone.

It's the first time really since late teens and what a time of life for it to come along. l'm just wondering? l'm afraid l just can't get use to it or like it . Although times it's good also , like coming home tired, kick back for the night do your thing, watch what you want or sleep all day or listen to whatever you please as loud as you want day or night, no one else to worry about or please. It can be nice when the wk end rolls round too in ways , same reasons.

But , l still have a lot of trouble with it , don't think l'll ever get use to it. Even though there were plenty of times married would've given anything for this kinda freedom sometimes.

This house is pretty big , to me too big for one, one and a bit if my d stays. Not really into friends hangin round too often , assuming l had a few anyways, new town. But l think a smaller house would help , dunno how some people especially rich people live in monster mansions alone. l've even thought of sharing , got a spare room, it'd help the finances too. But tbh , getting a bit past that with a stranger and it'd cramp my style a bit and spoil the things l do like about this new life alone right now and having all this space to myself.

But over all , l'm really feeling the loneliness. Just don't know what to do about it though, how to deal with it . l feel like l'll get sorta lost in my own non existent world if l'm not careful. l do get out and about quite a bit actually but it's usually alone too. l've always enjoyed alone time even as a kid but l seem to have lost that these days and l find it's really taking it's toll on spirits and like life is passing by.

 

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jtjt_4862
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Rx,

Hmm, if I may seek some clarification from what you've just said, she's been sending you mixed signals; One day she could go on talking about being together and things in the future, but another day she felt like a relationship is not what she's looking for and talks about ending things (which I assume, hurts you)? And you feel you can't trust her because of her indecisiveness?

Jt

randomx
Community Member

Oh yeah all that stuffs through my posts , has been a long time. Unfortunately though we've talked a bout all that a bit but l dunno , she can't see herself atm , she just has too much else to deal with , main reason she is that way..

randomx
Community Member

Hiya cm

Yeah the Sydney thing is huge on it's own l've lived in NSW before and didn't like it . But in a practicality sense too prices and all , it's not even viable anyway. Although she does have a plan for that, pretty good one too , but again it just wouldn't be my thing either is the only problem.

Anyway , not good news l'm afraid. We've talked a fair bit this last wk or so and unfortunately l haven't liked what l've been hearing at all. Sadly l just don't think there's anywhere we can go from here. Even just the Sydney thing alone is huge, but there's other stuff too on top of that.

rx

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey rx,

I feel you know what you need to do. Doesn't make it easier though does it.

Maybe it's time to move on & be free of this. It's draining you, I know. Maybe it all happens this way for a reason, do you could see all the red flags.

I wish peace & happiness for you. I really do.

Big hugs

Cmf

randomx
Community Member

Ah thanks so much CM , monster hugs.

Sadly she's always been a walking flag. TBH all this stuff was where my hold backs earlier in and not living together too soon were all about and sadly it's all proved right.

And thanks very much for the wishes, me too. Been tussling with all this so long forget what peace is like.

Big hug.

rx

randomx
Community Member

Poss incoming rant.

l really just don't know how to feel about the last 5 and a bit yrs of my life and what l may have just wasted in a way and at this age. And not only but it has all put me right here to where l am now. l've never really believed in the things happens for a reason, l wish they did- then there'd be light. But life's proven many times to me that they do also just happen, too !

Yaknow, l see people , always have, and very often when no one else does, even when l was a kid. Well, as beautiful as gf was back being together here in so many wonderful ways, why l hung in there. There were things to, pretty big things if l was right but even if you can see your often not sure if your right until after that's shown itself. Well, despite the huge stuff she's had going on nonetheless, 3 yrs and things l worried about day one, have come out , exactly. We can blame a lot of it on her stuff but honestly just as much on that person l was worried about too. So disappointing, disheartening , upsetting and now 3yrs.

So what do you take from it, the beautiful and so special times and the knowing the other gorgeous sides of her too, be grateful, or regret the 3yrs.

Same with the ex l was involved with after divorce but that l do not regret. It was a bit over 2yrs and so not too bad and earlier on too.But far more important was that we saved ea other and showed ea other so much light, so much fun , so much chemistry and soul.We were both at the lowest point of our lives, but then we met. It was a bumpy rd to though with her, we also kinda clashed, but man , the times we had and what it did for us both at a time in life like that.

That had purpose huge purpose , and it also may've even saved us both too. But l ldk about gf and this 3yrs. Was l a fool for not listening, but like l said, you often don't know if you were right until the proof is revealed later. l might've just been scared , looking for bads . And what would've happened if we did just throw it to the wind 2yrs ago and she moved in and all this time. We might've even been married by now. Would these things have still come out, at 3yrs, 5yrs, 2yrs. l don't know, but l needed to know if l was right or wrong first.

l loved so much of our time, and things we did and lived and that happened too. Is that enough to say well then, you haven't wasted another 3yrs then have you, or 5 and a bit yrs. l don't know. Once again l won't know until life reveals whatever is next.

rx

randomx
Community Member

Although , that might not be quite right. She's so messed up right now , l still couldn't say into infinity that l was right.

l could say though going on this last few mths and especially this this last few wks , sadly , it does atm look like l was right. But l'd love to be proven wrong that is for sure. l won't really know for who knows how long though truth be told for sure, the way she's been she could well call in 2 wks undo it all and be asking if she can come down or l can go up, or who knows what else.

rx

randomx
Community Member

Well, she sent me an email this morning.

l've just felt from the start one way or another l just couldn't commit to this until we'd had more time. l saw things and felt stuff, l just couldn't pin down what it was. This was before her cases even came up , that was supposedly all done.

Well , she wanted me to know her crazy hasn't been that her love wasn't and isn't real that's stronger than ever and the thought of not having us and me is making her feel even sicker. Her health and mental states just gotten so bad that she feels she just couldn't cope or give or live as two, be a partner, or fair to me now, she just doesn't have it left. Sais she knows now she's been talking crazy and probably sabotaging but she's just been in such a mess and so scared about everything , not just us.

l suppose it really doesn't change much , it still isn't working out which was my fear early days for some reason, but at least love was real and it wasn't that. l feel so bad for the state she's in , wish some good would just happen for her in everything she's dealing with, something. It'd pick her up so much.

rx

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Oh rx,

I really feel for you. I know it's been so up and down.

The thought of a relationship is probably causing her more pressure & stress. Extra thing to think about.

I know I'm no help, but you've been heard & I understand.

Cmf

randomx
Community Member

Thank you cm my friend , and nah , your wrong you are a huge help. We can't always offer suggestions or help but it's a huge help alone just being there, understanding, isn't it.

But yeah unfortunately that is it in a nutshell. Atm , this last 12mths actually, she's just had nothing left.

l appreciated her email, her acknowledgements and explaining things though more than she could know.