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living alone

randomx
Community Member

Wondering do you live alone if you don't mind me asking , and how long for , how do you find it ?

No need for any details if your not comfortable or anything like that, not prying just wondering about it all.

l've been living alone on off mostly 5yrs now since splitting with ex w. My daughter use to stay a lot but not much these days, 16, bf and friends over in her town, 20mins away . Also had a friend staying over a lot for awhile or me her place, separate rooms just friends. Then met my gf, together nearly two but 70% long distance,talking 24 7 non the mess but still mostly living alone. That ahsn't worked out and, still living alone.

It's the first time really since late teens and what a time of life for it to come along. l'm just wondering? l'm afraid l just can't get use to it or like it . Although times it's good also , like coming home tired, kick back for the night do your thing, watch what you want or sleep all day or listen to whatever you please as loud as you want day or night, no one else to worry about or please. It can be nice when the wk end rolls round too in ways , same reasons.

But , l still have a lot of trouble with it , don't think l'll ever get use to it. Even though there were plenty of times married would've given anything for this kinda freedom sometimes.

This house is pretty big , to me too big for one, one and a bit if my d stays. Not really into friends hangin round too often , assuming l had a few anyways, new town. But l think a smaller house would help , dunno how some people especially rich people live in monster mansions alone. l've even thought of sharing , got a spare room, it'd help the finances too. But tbh , getting a bit past that with a stranger and it'd cramp my style a bit and spoil the things l do like about this new life alone right now and having all this space to myself.

But over all , l'm really feeling the loneliness. Just don't know what to do about it though, how to deal with it . l feel like l'll get sorta lost in my own non existent world if l'm not careful. l do get out and about quite a bit actually but it's usually alone too. l've always enjoyed alone time even as a kid but l seem to have lost that these days and l find it's really taking it's toll on spirits and like life is passing by.

 

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ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hey rx

I know what you mean about "meeting someone at this age"... it really does make you think.

Still with that and d coming back in with her entourage (lol omg) my eldest d said something to me regarding herself on Sunday night.... "I really am making myself suffer more than I need to".
She overthinks 1000%.... worries about the future ALL THE TIME... gets all 'in her head' in a judgmental way (her words not mine) about everyone around her.

She's catching herself when this happens and is trying to be more PRESENT.

That's all we have anyway, the precious present.

Minimalism is the WAY to go rx!!!

Blue's Clues started a Minimalism Thread here and was incredible help for me over the Summer in our changing 3 bedrooms around and MINIMISING, woah!

It was SO MUCH FUN!
It's made my life so much easier too. Simpler.

No way are we finished but our habits are better now too.

Next Summer will be the next BIG effort at it, although with a billion kids lol, I am always donating clothing, like at least once a month about 4 garbage bags of clothing.
Then the garden, can't count the tonnes of stuff literally.

It's extremely refreshing and brings a vibrancy to life!

Our Lock Down is set to extend longer, so if THAT'S the case, I might just get more opportunity to pass on more stuff!

Take care
EMxxxx

randomx
Community Member

Yeah ya do wonder for sure em . l mean don't get me wrong last thing l wanna do is rush out and meet someone new if we don't work her crap out , or if she's in too much of a mess afterward to even handle a relationship anymore. But my taste is so rare tbh , l really don;t expect to feel the right stuff again about anyone. Although d's friend well , she has really made me think butttt, that's her, she's probably the last one on the planet now haha. Ah well , l'll try not to get myself into more trouble.

Your d hey , God the poor thing l hope she doesn't take it all too seriously as my d was doing very badly for awhile there. They can be so hard on themselves. l think it's especially harder for girls , especially with sm and pressures . Fantastic that she's catching it and aware enough now that's a great start hey.

Your place haaaa, l see visions of it whenever l see em around the place, your house l mean. Nah l'm not gonna describe it bc for a start this is a public place but for a finish if l'm right and l often am , it creeps me out haha. Head in sand , it's much more peaceful haha. But that bloody turkey hey , is he behaving.?

Clothes , crikey l know. D's packing up yet more tonight to donate off. She's got two rooms here full , plus one hall , plus the far end of the lounge. She's on her own tonight for a change and l said darlin , just one thing , can you clean up your damn crap, pleaseee. So she's been working on it tonight done wonders already.

Good luck.

rx

randomx
Community Member

l know it's often a hard and tricky thing supporting someone you care about, when from the outside looking in your seeing things but at the same time you don't wanna be discouraging. You know they're trying and hopeful and the emotions and feelings are rolling about.

But sadly well maybe, sort of, since we've decided or l have to put things on hold , a few people are saying now what they've really been thinking about the situation. l mean l know it's a fine line when you wanna be there for someone and back them. Unfortunately though things are now coming out and even my daughters said a few times now, you really shouldn't have to be dealing with all her crap. You could be with someone that has her own money sorted ,a home of her own, doesn't have visa problems and court cases and isn't a mental wreck.No l don't go about moaning to my daughter but she does know the situation and things come up or she asks what's happening.

A friend emailed last night that knows every nitty gritty involved saying they think this holds a good idea right now and went onto pretty well the same thing my daughter's been saying. l know , l know no one else would have all this crap , and l've asked myself 50 times about it all too . lt mostly began well after we'd met , most of it was settled even her visa was paid and pretty well stamped, same her divorce and the settlement.This was all ex stuff that came along later on when he woke up one day and decided he didn't want to go ahead with the divorce settlement or hand over her share, so he reopened it all and tried to sabotage her visa . He figures if he can get her kicked out she can't touch him or the loot.

lt is true, it's a bloody mess and so is she , and what will we be even left with later when it is all done , whenever that is. Me , bc of what we are and have between us in normal times, and the life we could have later, a lot like EM's situation back when , l've have very few doubts about riding it out until this last few mths.

But l need her to be wanting that too , l can't do that or support her alone , there's two of us in this. l've been trying that 6mths now but it's just gotten worse.

rx

randomx
Community Member

Yettttt,

The cards are still on big love.

Did a draw last night in front of my daughter , she does tarot, she couldn't believe it. l did 3 hands in a row right in front of her with massive reshuffles each time just to be sure, same every time.

rx

randomx
Community Member

Call from gf the other day think l mentioned it. But she's also dropped a few messages too now this wk. Only that her sons baby was born and a little bit about that , which was beautiful news.

But she still sounds the same. Just distant and not in us at all . Few lines and then she'll just say goodnight or have a lovely day baby or something like that and just disappear again. But she's also feeling worse than ever she did talk a bit about that too , she's in a very bad way.

originally she wanted to try to stay till the baby was born at least , and to help in any way she could with all that first of all. She didn't trust lockdowns or border and back when said a few times what if l can't get back and the baby comes- and here we are they're in lock down borders are closed and the baby came. So whether l'll get a call in the next few wks now she's hopping on a plane is anyone's guess.

She still sounded totally distant though and very blank . No idea whatsoever but l'm not really expecting her to show up any time soon tbh so l'm taking any calls or whatever with a grain of salt and trying to just get on with things for now.

rx

randomx
Community Member

Many things have been happening , what a few days.

But l also wanna just put down here some thoughts on the situation with gf. Yeah the friend of my daughters at least made me feel something about a future love wise if gf and l don't fix this , for a moment. But that's not what l want and it's not what feels right , matter of fact , the thought of us not going on , just does not fit , or feel right. Gf said the same a few times . We've always felt both of us right through, even with some ups and downs, that we, us , are the last stop, we were the only future either of us could feel or see. And strangely bc for awhile there and maybe even still right now, it just doesn't look like we will be , but it still feels the same none the less.

Well , even moreso now bc a few days ago l found some of our talks from only 6mths ago , things that melted my heart an things from all of her heart too , and things spoken in such a way that no one else ever would , partly bc of her nationality and partly bc of just whom she is as a person and a soul. Just beautiful stuff that l'd saved but hadn't looked at in a long while . And with finding and looking at these beautiful things once more , it all still feels the same. l really in all honesty just can't see or feel anything with anyone else.

Thing is though, but look at where we are right now then and so then how is it that in only 6mths when nothing at all bad has happened between us as such or anything like that , we are where we are now then ? Add to these things only a mth or close ago she said she has the love for me of her son which she has never ever felt for anyone else. Yet here we are.

l'd so just still lve to save us , but right now it's like l have to do it on my own and l have no clue how to do that when she's the way she is and just so distant and in hardly any contact at all.

We had solutions only 6mths ago too , for all of her situation and for us , she was suppose to come back and we'd do it all from here and begin our life properly. And this would also only help if anything her cases too but it also certainly would've helped her cope as well bc she'd be with me again. l just can't for the life of me figure out how she went from that to this and to us being practically non existent now.

rx

randomx
Community Member

And to her literally blocking "us" , right now , literally just not letting "us" , in.

She's even talked ok when she's been very very very down and lost all heart in her situation , of living alone forever. Bc she still could not love or be with anyone else , so she'd live out life alone. Just some of the stuff she's blurted out last mth or two.

l mean hth do l save it on my own , with thinking like that from her lately. ?

rx

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hey rx

I'd love if you could send her part of that last post.
It read beautifully about your true sentiments of the r/ship, exactly HOW you feel about her.

I understand completely how rare this kind of love can be.

When I've thought BF & I needed to break up, my feelings were unchanged - my love for him was still there. The thought of being with any other man made me sick lol!
And I know myself ALL too well.

It's happened before only once. I was deeply in love, he went to live overseas, wanted me to come etc we ended up breaking up.
The MIND WORK I had to do for the next 2 decades NOT to compare my partner with him, was insane.

Thank God BF blows even that guy out of the water & everyone else like an atomic bomb lol.

It's rare.

I think others don't understand.
You have separated HER from what's going on in her life.
Courts, Visa stuff...is environmental, not HER.

You can dislike the stuff going on immensely but still love her!

I Pray these things dissipate very quickly! I Pray they all resolve so you can both be together again, happy.

It's heartbreaking rx, I really get it. I'm so sorry.

On a lighter note! Papa Brush Turkey is building the bloody Taj Mahal hahaha!
He's gone bonkers! At least it's half way down the BACK yard this time, not against the house near my bedroom.
I have ESP with this bird, I'm telling you now... I didn't know how I would get years worth of scrub OFF the chook's shed.... then he jumped up there & scratched it all OFF of it for his nest. Then with the scrub inside the pool fence.... NEST... then every corner I pondered... he even lets me PAT him now for a nanosecond.
Crikeys.
This is NOT quite the Mr Perfect Metropolitan Man lifestyle BF envisaged us having (Mr Clinical Engineer, Mr Lover of Bleach!)... also Mr Hide from Snakes. He did change about spiders tho... awwww he bought a spider sucker that tickles them on to a brush if they get into our apartment in Seattle & he can put them back outside.

Alexa - eldest d has decided to continue with her Psych Honors next semester (as I thought she would lol).
Yvette - youngest d is like a pig in mud NOT going to school bec of Lock Down.
My sons are beautiful. They say "WATCH OUT" to any man who passes our paths.... the girls in our family are scarier than the boys! Hahaha.

Lock Down has been good for us, we're enjoying it alot. The pets are getting fatter lol.
Our home is a fun & lovely place to be!

Thinking of you
EMxxxx

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey my friend,

EM offers so much wisdom.

I think gf has given up cos it reminds me of how I've been with M lately. Excluding myself, withdrawn, not as affectionate and more all cos I can't see where we are headed. The uncertainty, the unknown, waiting for something to change/be decided by others to see if things have a chance of working out.

I feel for you so much but I get it. At least you've been proactive in trying to stay together. The response I get is 'what can I do about it'.

At least you seem to care.

Cmf x

randomx
Community Member

Hiya em , and thanks for the words they mean a lot.

She does know we've talked about all that many times and said it all but maybe a reminder might not hurt right now for sure either. Tbh , when l found the convos l felt like sending them to her just to remind her and help her get her focus back . l wouldn't bc it's a really bad time right now and it might make her feel worse or even more confused or cornered or something , but yeah , maybe what you've suggested wouldn't hurt though.

l just don't know anymore. Your right though , from the outsider people treat these things so throw away , even with the best intentions . They can't know the real things and rarity between you and feelings, and it feels devaluing to even bother trying to explain them.

Mr turkey eh yeah knew he'd be down there doin his thing. So funny , wish we had them here . At least he cleaned up the roof though hey , l can just see him up and down and building away , you'll come home one night and he'll probably have the brick layers and electricians in doing the finishing touches , all nice and ready for the misses haha.Don't forget to buy him a beer when he's done.

Ha ha ha, no doubt about it girls are way scarier . So nice she's focusing on something though. We just wish my d would take up something, find her focus and stability, it'd help her sooooo much . We know that we want it for her , but she's just a mess and living crazy stuff atm. We're so proud of her in other ways though and in getting herself though things from last yr. Unfortunately though , we're pretty sure though the diagnoses was correct after all and she is Bi polar , we're seeing real cycles and patterns now. l dunno , wholeeee nother kettle of fish.

Thank the Gods we only had one. rx