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living alone

randomx
Community Member

Wondering do you live alone if you don't mind me asking , and how long for , how do you find it ?

No need for any details if your not comfortable or anything like that, not prying just wondering about it all.

l've been living alone on off mostly 5yrs now since splitting with ex w. My daughter use to stay a lot but not much these days, 16, bf and friends over in her town, 20mins away . Also had a friend staying over a lot for awhile or me her place, separate rooms just friends. Then met my gf, together nearly two but 70% long distance,talking 24 7 non the mess but still mostly living alone. That ahsn't worked out and, still living alone.

It's the first time really since late teens and what a time of life for it to come along. l'm just wondering? l'm afraid l just can't get use to it or like it . Although times it's good also , like coming home tired, kick back for the night do your thing, watch what you want or sleep all day or listen to whatever you please as loud as you want day or night, no one else to worry about or please. It can be nice when the wk end rolls round too in ways , same reasons.

But , l still have a lot of trouble with it , don't think l'll ever get use to it. Even though there were plenty of times married would've given anything for this kinda freedom sometimes.

This house is pretty big , to me too big for one, one and a bit if my d stays. Not really into friends hangin round too often , assuming l had a few anyways, new town. But l think a smaller house would help , dunno how some people especially rich people live in monster mansions alone. l've even thought of sharing , got a spare room, it'd help the finances too. But tbh , getting a bit past that with a stranger and it'd cramp my style a bit and spoil the things l do like about this new life alone right now and having all this space to myself.

But over all , l'm really feeling the loneliness. Just don't know what to do about it though, how to deal with it . l feel like l'll get sorta lost in my own non existent world if l'm not careful. l do get out and about quite a bit actually but it's usually alone too. l've always enjoyed alone time even as a kid but l seem to have lost that these days and l find it's really taking it's toll on spirits and like life is passing by.

 

740 Replies 740

Jstar49
Community Member

Hey Rx,

thats great about your d's sitch improving- Must be a relief!

I kinda get it, re gf. Yes of course it goes in cycles, and she would be aware of your levels of 'had enough'. I'm guessing she has limited energy, so is sparing in some areas of her life. Sounds like you're one of those areas unfortunately, atm.

Truly a difficult sitch if she doesn't even feel secure here in this country. I can't imagine....

So, nearly famous huh? Thats kinda cool. Takes a lot of focus and energy tho. Do you still dabble?

Community, as in intentional communities. I lived on a hippy community once upon a time. I loved it, actually. I guess I was at that stage of life of exploration, and risk taking, which led me away. A relationship ended. A new stage began. It was a nice safe space to be, at a time of uncertainty.

My desire for community life now is much more for the way of living, productive, sustainable, eco-friendly. Communities work, on so many levels. And I believe that by returning to a more supported, supporting way of living many problems can be avoided. Sharing childcare! meals! Gardens! I used to walk a lot on the community, we'd only drive if it was really hot or wet, or if we were going off property. Imagine how much fun for the kids growing up together....And so great for older people too.

Anyway, thats my dream. The reality is fairly gritty. Living with ppl isn't easy. Even one other person is testing my patience!

Cheers,

J*

CMF
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey my friend,

So glad to hear your sis situation is improving.

Yeah, that roller coaster can be draining. The waiting to see if there will be positive changes. Not knowing whether to hold on or let go.

I hear you my friend, I hear you.

Hugs

Cmf x

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Dear rx, I'm really sorry I've been MIA for so long. My energy and time was being usurped in my physical world. Barely time to sleep, watching the Black Dog bark, so yah. Sorry big fella!

Such a relief to hear that d's situation has improved. Just in time I'd say!

Your r/ship with GF sounds more positive too (for now, which we'll take thankyou very much lol).
The poor thing. Indeed I've heard some menopauses are radical for some women, I'm sorry she's one of those women!

She really didn't need ANOTHER thing to deal with.

Neither did you lol.

How are things now?
Is GF making more regular contact?

Sending you tons of positive energy.

Love EM

randomx
Community Member

Hiya j , and thanks for the thoughts.

A friend and l were gonna start a communal farm thing once , but love came along and plans changed haha. Fame , Fame, ahh, it was a scary as hell. l only wanted the money so that l could keep painting and support my family , but not fame. l'm extremely private too and couldn't stand it . And there would've been os exhibitions travels and interviews and just my worst nightmare. Even where l was living become a pain sooooo, l bailed and dropped out. No regrets though l never liked the life, scene. l even envied friends , just working and living normal lives, envied them so much, l just wanted normal again. So nope , don't even dabble anymore. Maybe one day, don't know or care though tbh.

And thanks to all yeah my d's sitch has been the scariest most stressful time of ex's and l ever so thanks to all very appreciated. She's finally in a really nice place right now but l won't wanna jinx it or says anymore. Thanks again though.

l get the dream and reality j , like you wouldn't believe. These days l def don't people in my face well so yeah , that ones all left in the dust for me. Even back then l sorta liked the idea but l also knew people and knew very well actually having some kind of thing like that work , would be a whole nother story . But anyway, never happened.

Hiya cm and thanks for that . And yeah , you ain't wrong and l;m afraid l am pretty well at a loss in that department. The goods are so shallow and short lived, passed again already. l'm getting sick of it.

Hiya em and no problemo at all , nice of you to drop in though. Hoping your situation lifts and the light comes shining though for you very soon eh.

And yeah, incredible, mp on top of everything else and where she's living to boot. Sadly , she's not a lucky person either. Most would've walked away on their merry way scott free yrs ago even the lawyers said it and can't believe it's blown up into what it has. I have always wondered about her bad luck, don't need any of that that's for sure. At times it's self inflicted she can be a real hard head, even now she could be back here with us waiting this out. She doesn't make the best of decisions either l've always noticed it.

But l;m afraid l;m still at cross roads bc unfortunately l know too well she'll turn tomorrow and the next and next right now.

rx

randomx
Community Member

Tbh , my feel is usually spot on my whole life, even if l don't listen to it haha and it doesn't mean l would even when l'd know deep down. Messed myself up a few times like that through life very seriously too. But at other times things aren't clear bc your too involved, too in the middle of things, hence why l started using cards. Which l might add and still throwing love at me, it's into the fire for them, they've lost the plot.

But , l'm running out of puff with gf, mainly bc she's still just drifting away , she's lost in herself and all the troubles. And she's making the worst decisions right now she possibly could be for her situation, even the lawyers told her, but she's still sticking to it aanyway Even her case worker told her exactly the same too.

l'm just feeling everything l've put into it for her and in being there right through, just isn't even registering , just like the advice she's been getting. lf anything she's getting further away even with her spats of US that reappear here and there, they're gone again just as fast. l could keep it going and ride it out , supporting her and us, but it doesn't feel like the solution right now, it seems to be making it worse and she might be better just alone right now.

But then there's my future and feelings on the line and time too . Starting to think l;m better off just dropping this , nothings working. She wants to go through it alone then maybe that should be . They say it's the actions, well hers have just shut us down.

rx

ecomama
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hey rx, all you've mentioned is really relevant to whether you stay IN or get out of the rship.

There's quite a few red flags there!

Seems like you've been and are still IN an emotional cement mixer, tumbling about.

Has GF said she wants to end things? Like blatantly come out and said this to you? I got that feeling because you said this .... "She wants to go through it alone then maybe that should be.."
Do you think GF sees the writing on the wall with your relationship?

My Psych neighbour said the book that made her realise things in her own marriage (and end it) was one called something like "Too bad to stay, too good to leave"... her "too good" bit was ONLY the money. Nothing else.

Then when you said "They say it's the actions...", yes indeed I agree!
Something difficult to learn!

Covey reiterates lessons like this in a myriad of ways.
One thing he wrote was "We judge other people's actions by our OWN intentions".
There's a lot explaining this in his books but basically when we see someone DO something (or not do things too) then we put our own slant on it all.

When this could be entirely NOT the case.
In fact their intentions could be quite the opposite, sadly lol.

Another thing that a Counsellor said to me years ago about my 2nd husband (and mother also)... is that a relationship is like the link between 2 goal posts.
When one goal post is falling down then the link attaching the 2 posts is dragged down and the tall upright post can do nothing but fall down too.

I thought this was a horrible analogy!
But ofcourse it's true.

Doesn't mean we should bail as soon as we hit a rough patch! Lordy be, we'd all be like little pacmans walking about gobbling up relationships lol.

But I guess when you've seen "enough", it's up to the person aware of this to make a move for their own sake.

I really feel for you rx.
It's a very hard and huge decision to make. I'm really sorry it's the way it is for each of you and your relationship.

EMxxxx

Jstar49
Community Member

Hey Rx,

yeah wow what a journey! Fame and all its pitfalls hey. I get it. I sometimes think about the end scenario if I ever write that book I’m writing in my head. Just thinking about ‘book tours’ and all that stuff freezes the words before getting to paper. Would have loved to live in the times of women needing a pseudonym and writing under a mans name. Perfect anonymity! Some ppl love it of course.

sounds like you’re at a low ebb with gf. I’m sorry man. Your right, actions are so important, and continual actions which don’t reinforce the love and connection can really wear the relationship down.
yet I know how difficult it must be for you to walk away, after all you’ve invested.
my thoughts n prayers go with you, that you might have some peace in all this.

Cheers

J*

randomx
Community Member

Hi J ,

l'll b back and tbh l can't stand that red flag saying , just more Americanism creeping into Aus but of course , she's always been riddled with them.

Not in us , we've had an incredible thing only reason l'm even here . l'm very particular and l've seen what's out there and believe me it couldn't even come close, until this mess came along. Yeah she wants us , for life , but it's too hard for her to maintain right now on top of the the mess and state she's in, that's what it's all about. Em described the same thing when she was going through her crap. gf feels scared to death she'll just drag me down and wreck my life with all her crap too and then her case won't even come out positive anyway. she doesn't wanna get our hopes up. l get it a second person you love and feeling responsible for it is just sooooo much added pressure on top of it all. That's what it' all about you see. As em described.

Anyway l suggested what if we just let US go then for now then , she can work through all her stuff if that's easier and when there's an outcome we can talk then.

She's thinking about it.

randomx
Community Member

Anyway yeah don't think l mentioned it but she basically said all that herself a few nights ago so then l suggested what l did. l'd been suspecting and saw hints but she was so all over earlier l wasn't sure until now.

Another thing with art to j was the explaining , it drove me absolutely crazy but the galleries and people just wanna know stuff. They also put a lot of pressure on you.Funny you mention names l changed mine 3times during art yrs.

And books too actually bc l thought of doing a book instead myself thinking that might be a way of the cake and eating it too. Put all my art into a book say whatever l needed to and adios haha.

rx

randomx
Community Member

Sorry em l was tired earlier and mixed ur post up with J's.

But anyway nah she's never ever said she wants to break up. She has said she might need to pause us as she calls it though , bc she just doesn't have the mental space left understandable. But yeah lt's mostly looked as you described in an earlier post with your bf situation while going through all your crap back when and she's actually said lots of almost identical things. l remember reading your post and it was like listening to her lately. But she'd come out with different things too and that's where it got confusing but it turns out that's been most especially her translation into English particularly in messaging bc she writes English about the same as she speaks it. .

But anyway yeah , all cleared up as l was saying in the other post and unfortunately it's all just a bit much on top of everything else for her right now that's all it's been understandably. She's also been really worried about the extra stress on me bc l've had all my daughter worries plus my business and then her worries too .

So yeah , she's also worrying sick about the one strong post falling down too.

And nah l haven't been judging her actions on my own intentions , it's pretty basic , just seeing what l'm seeing but that as l say can often get confusing with translation .

Thanks for the feedback , hope your well.

rx