Liking people too much

james1 · ‎26-10-2016

Hello everyone,

I don't know what I'm looking for here. Maybe to vent, or maybe to ask whether others do this as well to the same or similar degree/extent.

I realise I like people too much too quickly. In psychology talk, it's the idealisation part of splitting. In my relationships, whether friendships, family or romantic, I am either 100% emotionally invested or 0%. There is no middle ground for me, even upon just meeting someone. And my natural tendency is to go 100% until they do something I don't like, at which point I will either forgive and then give 150%, or just fall apart and decide I never want to talk to them again.

And in the process of all this, I lose myself a bit. To give you an example, if I start a conversation here, I feel obliged to continue it. I might still enjoy it, but I will also think that they must at least like talking to me so I can't let them down. And I will be super afraid that I'll let them down and if there's a slight delay in the response, I panic without realising it. So then I'm not even continuing the conversation for myself, but just for the other person. It's very annoying.

It's something I'm working on with my psychologist but progress is so slow. I don't feel like I've made any changes to how I feel, only how I react. So I now just walk away and leave it until later. But it doesn't help the hurt inside and I end up brooding. Still, it's better than both brooding and reacting badly, damaging the relationship/friendship.

Okay, that's all from me.

James

SubduedBlues · ‎26-10-2016

Welcome James

Interesting question, and thank you for posing it to the group.

I'm going to start with your comment about forgiving. Forgiveness means different things to different people, so to provide context to my response let state my interpretation thereof: "To forgive someone is to no longer hold that person accountable for how I feel about their words or actions." Based on this definition, I find it easy to forgive people for their transgressions. Having done this, I find it easy to re-engage in conversation with whomever.

One of the things I find helpful is rapport building using techniques associated with NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) -- I wonder if this might help you ascertain how well you are or are not getting along with whom you're going all out for to establish friendship with.

Also, sometimes, with some people, trying to hard to impress and make friends can be more damaging to a potential new friend than not trying hard enough. It is about finding the right balance, and I believe NLP can help you with that.

SB

Doolhof · ‎26-10-2016

Hi James,

People communicate in different ways. I find with the written word, it is not always possible to understand exactly what a person is saying and in what context.

For me, responding to people here can depend on how I am feeling at any particular moment. There are days when my depression or Borderline Personality Disorder traits are playing up. On those days I can read and perceive information very differently.

With the forum, I believe it is wise for you to acknowledge/answer/respond to people when you feel able to and not because you feel compelled to.

Yes, some people may think they are being ignored or forgotten, that is certainly not the way it is though. With a forum as busy as this one, unfortunately some people may be missed, or responses may take a while to happen.

Maybe you are a little too hard on yourself and your expectations. I know I have these issues myself at times!

Hope some of this helps. Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

MsPurple · ‎26-10-2016

Hi James. When I read this I understood how you feel but I am not completely the same. When I meet people I want to be friends with them and I put in a lot. I also like people from the get go too unless the rub me the wrong way straight up, which doesn't happen often. I don't completely switch from 100 to 0 though. I may go down to 50 and then lower then up again etc. I always want people to be closer to the 100 however. After a while I will stop trying if others don't put in the effort and it will go to 0. I do worry that I do come off too strong with people. I just want people to like me, even those that don't know me. I sometimes feel like people are looking at me and thinking bad things, but I think that is different to what you are talking about.

Guest_322 · ‎28-10-2016

Hi James,

That does seem very frustrating. I mean, I imagine it's like a complete lack of balance to think of a person in such extreme ways; I can see why it would eat away at your sense of self.

As a teenager, my thinking was a little bit like yours. But for different reasons as I don't have BPD. I didn't think 100% of people as soon as I met them.

BUT I had a habit of forming unhealthy attachments quickly to anyone who showed me what I thought was care (even if it wasn't care for me at all).

Then as soon as they did something that I didn't like, a flip would switch and I would not like them anymore. For me, it was more about trying to fill a hole in my life and subconsciously looking for someone to "save me."

Inevitably, I would always come to realise that they were no superhero (& definitely couldn't save me) so that was when the flip would switch, and I would get mad. And it would then feed into my internal monologue that people couldn't be trusted blah, blah, blah.

Sorry, I realise it's not the same. There's some overlap but there are also differences in our experiences.

Fast forward to today, and trust issues aside, I tend to see people in less extreme ways (& I definitely know that no one can save me other than myself ha, ha).

Okay, that was probably an extremely unhelpful post. But I hope, in good time, that you'll find a sense of balance and see people as, well, just people. Perfectly imperfect 😉

Dottie x

james1 · ‎31-10-2016

Hello everyone. Sorry I did read all of your replies and I wish I could respond to you all individually to show you that they were helpful and thought provoking, but I've been good yet cautious so I'm not sure I should try to respond properly at the moment. I just wanted to make sure you don't feel like I've ignored you, and to let you know your thoughts have helped. Thanks for the replies 🙂

Zeal · ‎31-10-2016

Hey James,

You are so kind, and people here know you care and appreciate replies and advice. Sometimes it can be hard to put into words how you feel.

You've helped me better understand aspects of BPD, as it is a condition I have scant knowledge of. I think it needs more public awareness, like anxiety, depression and suicide has received.

The obligation you feel to keep up with responses must be difficult, especially when you are busy and/or are struggling with your mental health. The forum is a space to help people with mental health difficulties and other personal challenges, and nobody who signs up as a member is obliged to answer posts, especially when they're not feeling mentally well. There are now about 16 forum volunteers, including Community Champions, Youth Champions, Carer Champions and Rainbow Champions. We have a monthly post quota, but even then, we do take mental health breaks. There are also champs without the official label, like yourself.

I hope your psychologist can help you work through concerns you're facing at the moment 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

Guest_322 · ‎31-10-2016

Hi James,

I don't think that I could have said it better than Zeal. You do you, okay?

While we always love to hear from you, and really appreciate how you're so mindful of acknowledging our posts, your health comes first.

The forum we still be here if you need to take some time out and we will love you no less. You're awesome!

Dottie xxx