Life long struggle with anxiety. My.parent's who have supported me.all my.life have died.

[Peter61]

I have struggled with anxiety all my life. My parents have been a backbone for most of my life. 18 months ago they both passed away after 3 years of terrible illness. I was their carer. It was my honour caring for them as they had commited so much to each other and to me.I loved them and now miss them intolerably.

Dad died first from cancer and 3 weeks later mum died from.dementia. It was a devastating experience as I saw it all. The following day after Mum died was my wedding day. I was 56 year-old.

since that day I have had such nixed emotions. So much anger and deep sorrow. The whole experience has changed my.feelings about life.

During the period where my brother and I dealt with my parents estate we had a horrible argument. It was mainly my anger and it all came out. My brother and I have made up but my sister in law refuses to take to me. She has removed me from her Facebook and said if I contacted her she would bar.my phone number. They are both travelling and I have been isolated from my brother. He does ring and message me but not a word from my sister in law.

I just feel terrible. Life scared me now after seeing how life ends. The anger I feel because I keep thinking about those years I cared for my parents thinking I could have done more for them. It was such a horribly difficult time. Then seeing them dead in front of me. The look on their faces after they had passed.

I am.moving on. My new wife has been amazing but thus horrible feeling of being scared of what is ahead has really taken hold. Death is final. That is it on earth. Where we go after this life no one knows for sure. I miss my parents and their guidance. I get so angry and short tempered. Why were they taken this way after being good people all their lives.

How to deal with these feelings. How do I fix what has happened to our family? How do I deal with this scared little boy feeling deep down inside me? Why do I feel so lost and depressed. I will never see them again.

I can't live with these feelings in me. I feel as if I am tearing apart.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Peter,

I am deeply, deeply sorry for your losses. To lose both your beloved parents in such a short space of time is devastating and heart breaking. I can’t even truly comprehend how you must be feeling right now...I feel whatever you’re feeling is okay as grief has no “rules.”

The fact that you were their carer must have made the loss that much more poignant. I feel so much of your life and stability revolved around your beautiful, loving parents. They must have been wonderful people and they clearly meant so much to you.

The family issues were probably the last thing you needed on top of everything else. I feel sad that your sister-in-law won’t acknowledge you although I’m glad you have reconciled with your brother.

As I said, I feel there are no “rules” when it comes to grief and loss. Everyone is different so I feel it’s important that we honour our pain and loss in a way that works for us personally. My gentle suggestion is to be extra kind to yourself and to take things moment by moment during this difficult time, and asking for support if you need it (like reaching out here on the forums).

There’s no pressure or rush but if you’re feeling up to it, I feel it would be lovely to hear from you again.

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[White_Rose]

Dear Peter

Welcome to beyondblue. Please accept my condolences on the loss of your parents. I am so sorry they became so unwell before they passed away. You have been a quite remarkable carer for them during this difficult time. Now you are grieving for them and feeling lost. It's all very normal.

I am sure you have heard this many times but it is true, you will heal over time. Right now everything is still raw. Both my parents died many years ago and I still grieve for them. It's good you have your wife to help you through this sad time.

I cannot tell you why your parents had these illnesses and neither can anyone else. I do not believe it was because of the life they lead. It is not personal. I have had three lots of cancer. The first two were successfully treated and I am living with the third. I do not believe I have been a particularly bad or good person person. I do the best I can and this is applies to your parents also,

Maybe one day we will be able to cure all types of cancer and dementia. I hope so. We will all die one day, it is the way we are and no matter the cause of death it is still very sad when you lose someone you love.

I think you can live with your feelings because you have done so for 18 months already. You did the best you could for them but you cannot safeguard them or anyone from illnesses of this nature. We have no cures.

If you feel it would be useful to talk to a professional person about your loss then have a chat with your GP who can put you in touch with an appropriate person. This helps many people while others muddle through the pain until the rawness goes away. Either way it's a matter of time.

Anger can lead us into sad places. It's good you have become reconciled with your brother. Try not to stress about your sister-in-law. She probably feels angry on your brother's behalf and has felt angry because he was hurt. She may get over it like your brother but there is really nothing you can do.

I suggested you talk to someone about your loss, so why not talk about your feelings about death. I am certain they are all in the mix. At the very least you may gain some insight into your own loss and fears.

Please write in here again if it helps. We are always here.

Mary