Life is giving me two paths

[LostAquarius]

Basic summary of my current position:
- I'm 32 yo, daughter 9 yo, separated from her father when she was 10 mths, he passed away suddenly just under 2 yrs ago
- Married my husband 7 yrs ago, after being together for 1 yr, & not having lived together until after marriage
- 4 mths after our wedding I discovered that my husband & my sister had been seeing each other behind my back, it was earth shattering and my sense of self, my confidence, my everything just disintegrated...but we stayed together, although now family gatherings exclude my husband
- Things continued to get worse, he fits the description of a narcissist almost perfectly
- About a year ago my husband moved to Melbourne to care for his grandparents and to work for his father with promises of making fast money & getting us out of debt and into a home (we've lived in a run down unit since getting married). Then COVID-19 hits and he has been stuck there. We haven't seen him since Boxing day last year. Early in the year he said he didn't want to come back because he thinks my daughter gets in the way of our relationship. I disagree with his parenting style and although I tried to work on the same page, I often felt the need to step in and protect my daughter (from emotional harm not physical)
- Before I had my daughter, about 14 yrs ago, I happened to meet a guy & we fell madly in love, but at the time for whatever reason, I chose to be with someone else (my daughters father). Both of us, even though we've each been with different people have never fallen out of love. But we always push it away for various reasons at the time. We don't have regular contact, maybe a couple times a year we check in with a text. But we promised to always be there for each other when needed.

My husband &I have been arguing so much over the phone. I feel scared of him and I feel like I don't love him anymore, I feel confused. We have great memories, but there is a lot of hurt there, he tracks my location & I get in trouble when I'm at the neighbors unit (a single mum with 4 kids)

Recently the other man reached out to me for help, he knew I was the only one who would understand him. He made dinner for my daughter and I and hung out a bit, we loved it, it was fun, I felt alive.

We spent some time alone recently to discuss our feelings. We still have that same amazing connection but we both agree that we cannot act upon this because I am married.

- Try to repair my marriage?

or

- Give up my marriage for a fairytale?

:'(

[Betternow]

Good morning LostAquarius

Welcome to the forum. I read your very articulate post a couple of times and I can see why you're asking for advice. You present two options.

I'm going to suggest a third option.

It appears to me that your first consideration needs to be the state of your marriage. Your husband has been absent interstate for nine months. You argue frequently on the telephone. He has issues with your daughter. You describe him as narcissistic.

He had an affair with your sister while married to you, He is now excluded from family events. I see little prospects for a happy future in this marriage. It sounds terrible.

But I also think jumping into a new life with your fairytale man also carries risks. If your marriage was happy would you seriously be considering starting a new life with your old flame? It's easy to get swept up emotionally by someone else when you are unhappy. Occasionally, it can be the answer but many times it's not.

My advice is to put your energy into sorting out your marriage first. If that means separation and divorce, so be it. In the meantime I would only have minimal polite contact with your old flame. Once you have a clear head and space, well then you can decide which direction in life you wish to take.

Good luck.