Life falling apart

[Sam22]

Hi All,

Thankful for this forum and community in tough times I feel I need to express my feelings somewhere.
Ive had a few knocks lately, the first is my 5 yr marriage my husband and I lead seperate lives we haven’t been intimate for over 3 yrs now and this may be due to initial arguments and some things said that we haven’t healed from, however my husband is a very strong silent type and spends most of his non work time pursuing his hobbies without me and even though we’ve acknowledged that we don’t spend any time together outside the house and I no longer feel connected to him, it doesn’t change no matter the numerous times I’ve raised it. I sent him a link to book a dinner for us as he has only done this a few times over the years and sadly he still hasn’t booked it. He likes to ‘intellectually’ argue and on the weekend he got frustrated at me for not wanting a robust discussion - I prefer to avoid heated debates on race/religion etc where possible - and as he tells me because I can’t manage debates I’m unable to understand other people’s views and I feel like a stupid child in this house. On top of this I’ve fallen out with 2 closest friends for seperate reasons, the most recent incident last week I realised my friend had deleted a message chat in my phone and when I asked her about it she said ‘i have no recollection of this’ which didn’t seem genuine to me and I’m wondering why she’s concealed something from me and then also accuse me of overreacting? So we have t spoken in sever days now. Then also last week after working close to 60+ hr weeks for over 2 years my company gives me an ‘unsatisfactory’ rating despite the fact they acknowledged the measures were largely beyond my control (the project I was on was shutdown by leadership so naturally didn’t deliver the results forecasted) and I realise I’ve wasted many days and nights slogging away on a place that doesn’t actually value me. I’ve gone above and beyond and for noting. So it’s dawned on me that I’m the central theme here and whether it’s my husband or my friends or my workplace I’m not really valued or respected and I try really hard but clearly something isn’t working and I’m pretty lost. I feel I’ve given a lot of time, care and love to these things and here I am realising none of these things love me back. Thanks for listening it means a lot to have people here me.

[ecomama]

Dear Sam22

Welcome and I'm so glad you reached out in these difficult times for you. It's great you opened up.

Well you certainly don't have things happen it halves! It can very overwhelming at this time but I have full confidence that you're recognizing the "problem areas", how and whether these areas can be 'fixed' is up to so many factors.

I'm sure YOU will come out of all this fine.

Tbh without knowing anything more than what you've said, your H seems to be of a bullying type nature, does this ring true with you? I'm FINE to be wrong 🙂

The lack of intimacy is a sure sign that things are awry somewhere, have you spoken about this?

If there is a disconnection have you thought about Marriage Counselling?
I would highly recommend a marriage counsellor who will see each of you 1:1 also.

But if this is not appropriate you can get some counselling for yourself and regardless of H actions.

Seeking attention and connection from a spouse who is completely unwilling to meet you on this is a very sad place.

Work - what the.... are there any other supervisors or a Fed rep you can talk to? You don't have to take anything further but it could help to talk this through with those in your field. Fairness seems to be an issue there.
I would fight that work report and have it readjusted, that's me lol.

Friends omg sometimes they just don't make sense.

For a great set of strategies you can Google the 180. It's pretty awesome and helps you get focused on YOU.
It seems like YOU are getting lost in the mix here.

EM