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Letting go of someone but keep connected thru the process.
I'll be straight up and be to the point. For the last couple of years I've been in an extramarital affair. The 2 of us had been good friends for many years before it started as we have shared many common interests and friends (we still do due to group gathering/Kids etc). It all started because we admitted our feelings (we both had feelings for a while but kept to ourselves) and since that day we have had this emotional and physical connection. I would say we discover more, it has been very intense connection and multiple levels of chemistry. During these times we have always knew that this would have to end due to our commitments and obligations, we promised each other we would leave this together, get us thru the low down and become friends again. We have tried this multiple times and we come running back to each other.
We have come to a point now we're we both know it's becoming too toxic and its causing us lots of guilt, stress and anxiety. We are both going to therapy to sort out own lives and not lean on each other. During this period we were having a transparent talk on ceasing all communication for a while so we can try to let each other go, grieve and one day able to be friends. 1 point which was bought up and discussed was if we kept communicating (But no meet ups, no emotional chatting, keep it all straight and legit with less frequency/intensity) so we can support each other in the let go phase and become friends. This was discussed because we have been supportive, transparent and understanding during our friendship and the affair, this includes all the good times and bad times. We always had a strong foundation.
My question is had anyone been thru or tried breakup/let go phase in this communicative scernio, still able to have restricted communication and able to get thru it and become friends? If so how did it all go and the feelings generated within yourself. Was it successful or was it a mistake? I know you majority would say cease all connection for a while, but for both of us this has been so intense that that 1 big cut is just to harsh for us as we been our lean to's for many things. We are very committed to become friends again and be strong enough to know not to cross the line and go back to our lives we are committed to before it all started. Thanks you in advance :-)
Thankyou for your frank and honest post. I don't, unfortunately have an answer for you, I wish I did.
I do however have the empathy to understand the heartbreak you both are feeling with such a strong connection.
In 195 I married for the first time. My brother in law I matchmade to a lady that was friends of my wife. They were married 20 years. I was married 11 years before divorce. I then lived with another lady for 10 years.
In the end we both ended up single and...married. So love finds a way sometimes, a long time down the track.
But when I was 21yo I fell in love and she unfortunately had an old flame that she continued to see. I learned 4 years as a defacto relationship that she was having an affair with him. She broke it off but insisted she remain friends with him. That never worked for me and after 6 years we split. 20 years later we bumped into each other. She had married another fellow a few years ago. I asked her if she was still seeing her long lost love that she couldn't remove her life from...she didn't answer, I knew the answer.
Sometimes there is that lifelong connection that is not so easy to remove.
If in your situation, I guess try different forms of communication, facebook messaging, phone messages etc. In my heart I am pessimistic.
I wish you all the best and it is promising you both as in therapy.
I believe the ambiguity of letting go but not really letting go could be making the process even more difficult. There’s so many layers to this, I feel stuck even thinking for advice, any path will leave hurt. What does your ideal world look like - if you could have anything? What would you have to do to get there?
I know this sounds bad, but the AP and I don't regret having the affair because the connection we got is not something you cant ask, demand or even buy - Its has all been natural and very little compromise since day 1. Obviously the flip side for me to it all is the damage I'm doing to myself and family/friends around me. You name it snappy, anxiety, emotionally tired, feeling distant and stressed/not committed to my business has all hit me in waves especially the last couple of months. AP and I know that we will not going to separate from our halves due to many reasons and the wider damage this would inflict (I don't think we would want to even talk about this until we have put in a good shot at fixing up our own relationships with our halves, because we haven't really tired). We both know this has to be done before this gets exposed (no one knows) - Its just how its done I suppose. At this point in time I wish I could skip the entire let go phase and be in a place where I know the AP is my friend with good foundations and she is happy where ever that she see's fit (because happiness is subjective to a person) I truly have her best interest at heart because I care as it part of my nature. I want to be in a place where I'm not constantly in a negative mood, causing my partner grief because of my moods and more attentive to my kids. Half the time i'm there but i'm not really there. This all clouds over me.......Therapy has helped to give me some perspective of why I went thru the affair and how it affects an individual. I have been advised to cut connection so I can can discover the let go process phase. The phase I'm scared because its the unknown to be totally honest. Also knowing to go to this phase I'll slip into deeper despair for a period of time where it could lead me to do things to eleveate those feelings....I suppose your right either way I can't win and there will be hurt....
It sounds like you’re not ready to let go. Even the way you’re writing “we” as though you’ll be going through the letting go process together. I can feel your pain. I wish I had a better answer for you. Do you feel that therapy is leading you in the right direction? Is what you really want to let go of AP or to let go of something else in your life? I don’t mean to contradict what you’re doing in therapy, in the long run following the path that will bring you the least amount of regret will be better than an answer that someone else tells you is right. Letting go of AP may well be the right decision for you. Only you know.