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Let down by friends
this is my first ever post... I'm feeling very let down by my friends. I'm 33, I have a 3 year old daughter and am 32 weeks pregnant with the next one. I'm an American who's lived in OZ for 6.5 years now. My family and "close" college friends all live back home. I have a couple of close friends in oz, but my closest ones have moved away for 3 months and the other has just moved back to the US.
I think I'm starting to show signs of antenatal depression again, so I'm aware of that, but I'm feeling such a lack of support from friends and family, that it terrifies me that no one is going to be there for me when I need them (I also hate that I "need" someone to be there for me... but there it is, I do). I'm always the one to try to organise catch ups or calls and half the time I'm just blown off with no reply. I'm so tired of being the one trying to keep in touch and caring. I feel like no one cares about how I'm doing. I've tried to reach out to new people to strengthen new friendships, but are met with the same dead ends. No responses, lack of interest.
I know you can't force people to care about you and I know I shouldn't "keep tabs", but I try my best to be a friend that I'd like to have and I just get nothing back. I'm a social, caring, fun, kind person to be around... but I'm wondering if there is something about me that keeps my friends at bay? Am I being too negative when I talk to them about my depression and worries (i try to keep it in check)? But... isn't that what friends are for?
Because I've felt so neglected, when I'm feeling very down and would like someone to talk to, I hesitate to call anyone for fear that I will put them off and that they don't want the burden of my problems. They probably won't pick up the phone anyway. I suffer alone or to my husband, who can only take so much of the burden.
I am so sad when I think about how my close friends seem fine with our friendship drifting apart and don't care to check in and see how I am doing in my pregnancy (which isn't great, I have limited mobility from pelvic girdle pain, and obviously depression/anxiety) or return any of the phone calls I've made. I feel so alone. I feel like writing everyone off... but feel grief over losing friendships that are dear to me.
I do not know how to get the support that I crave or any responses from my friends (cause deep down I know I can't make anyone feel or do anything).
Welcome to the community here at the BB Forum. You are more than welcome to share your feelings and thoughts about depression here. Many people on this site will be able to relate to how you are feeling and we are not at all judgemental.
Do you have a Dr whom you feel comfortable with to discuss how you are feeling? Is it possible to see a counsellor or a nurse who can help with the hormonal changes?
I find it helps me to write down how I am feeling. I can use any words I like and no one else has to see them. It is a great release.
Can you join a Mothers and Babies group or a playgroup in your area? Ask the local council, they may have some idea who you could contact.
Some libraries have activities as well like play and reading sessions for Mums and Bubs.
Hanging on to friends can be hard for any of us, ad in a few mental issues and wham, that is a whole new ball game!
Do you have hobbies or interests you can pursue inside the house or in a group somewhere?
Before you became pregnant what did you enjoy doing? Can you do some of those things now?
Some Cinemas have special Parent and Children sessions. You may not be with friends there, but you may make friends or at least be with other people.
Mental health issues are certainly something I well understand. I try to do things that bring me a sense of pleasure and achievement. I am not always very successful! Ha. Ha.
Have a think of ways you can change your daily routine and being with people, even if they don't become your besties.
Depression can suck big time! Hope you find ways to make your days more purposeful.
Cheers for now from Mrs. D.
Unfortunately some family members and friends do not want to hear about depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. It is an illness some people find too awkward.
Thanks Mrs. D for your kind reply,
Writing in this forum has been slightly helpful in releasing my feelings, even though its hard to get across exactly how you feel.
I do feel like the last 4 years I've not been able to do a ton of things I enjoy because of my daughter. I love the outdoors, hiking, beach, camping... but those things are very limited now as I can barely walk because of pelvic girdle pain and just being pregnant in general. We were finally getting back to normal and then decided to get pregnant again. You definitley forget how hard it is.
I do belong to a mother's group that still meets from when my daughter was a baby... A lot of people already have a 2nd baby or back to work, but I do go when they do decide to meet... but when i try to organize one on one things I dont' usually get any bites. I also found out that a few of the girls were meeting on another day than we usually meet and didn't include me. My feelings were totally hurt. They know I stay home all day.
My daughter is in daycare every Thursday, and it's funny, I usually do try to see a movie every week. My brother in law used to go with me sometimes cause he's FIFO, but now he has a GF and our normal "dates" have gotten the ax. I do enjoy it, I would just rather have someone to go with.
My OB is a matter a fact kinda guy and isn't really interested in anything that doesn't have to do with my body... I tried to contact the health nurse who helped me with PND with my daughter but she's out of the office till the 17th and has cancer, so they dont know if she'll be back. I can't really afford to see a counselor at this point.
I feel like I have tried a lot of options to help "perk" myself back up... but it's been futile. Then you feel depressed and get in this cycle that you just don't want any more rejection.
Today I struggled to put on a bra and go outside to go to subway to get something for my poor kid to eat for lunch... I just don't want to feel this way. It totally robbed me of joy from having my first baby and I thought that since I was a veteran I would get to enjoy having this baby... but these feeling just creep back up.