Learning to love again

[shucks46]

Hi all.

I have been separated fro my wife of 19 years for about 18 months now.

The relationship was like any other ups and downs. Due to domestic violence on on her part I decided to walk away which absolutely destroyed me and triggered a massive state of depression, loneliness and the feeling of being empty inside. After 6 months or so being apart I tried to rekindle and save the relationship however that didn’t work out so well.

I met another female and had a off and on relationship for for about 18 months, she started talking about love after the first couple weeks which I was a bit uncomfortable with because to me love is a strong word, serious feeling and emotions, however I figured I’d stick it out and see how it goes needless to say I just couldn’t develop any strong feelings for her yes I did like and care for her but that was it.

I feel as if I would be unable to get close to another female again on the fear of things going sour and sending me back to the state of depression I was in or worse yet I’m not ready to be alone if that makes sense. Honestly I haven’t had much luck with girlfriends even from the early teenage years.

I’m just wondering if anyone else has the same issues and if so what’s your strategy please?

Thanks.

[geoff]

Hello Shucks46, welcome to the forums.

Love is a strong word and it has many different meanings in all situations and this doesn't exclude the person you've been married to for such a long time, it entrenches a known behaviour.

When you then separate in one way or another, then this learnt response is edged into how you deal with another person who may want to form a relationship and trying to accept 'their way' they want to do something and that's not an easy task to do.

The love for them is different than the one you had when you met the person you first married and you may tend to compare one with the other, whether this is good or whether it's harmful, depends on each situation.

I'm not sure how I would cope after being divorced for 20 years as I still live by myself and that's what I say when I meet someone else straight up.

You can still have a relationship by not living together, if that's what you want.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[shucks46]

G’day Geoff

cheers for the reply.

Accepting the ways of the new girlfriend does my head right in at times which has caused a recent break up and honestly prolly for the better anyway. Any you are correct with it not being a easy task that’s for sure and of course I know that goes both ways.

Thats my main issue at the moment, I’m not so sure I can or will ever be able love again just for the fear of the unknown long term outcome, I just feel that getting close to someone else and it turns sour down the road I don’t don’t think I’d be able to recover and come out on top again. The separation from the wife drove me to the thoughts of doing the u thinkable and being forced into mental wards, it’s a struggle still even to this day.

I try not to compare anyone or thing with what was doing so can and will make things that much harder. I catch myself with the feeling of trying to hold on to the past and what once was and that’s no good either, something I know I’ve got to work on.

My only fear of it all is being alone for the rest of my days which is something I honestly don’t want then again I don’t feel I can chance another long term breakup either, kinda like being stuck between a rock and a hard spot.

Cheers Geoff and have a good day.

[Guest_3256]

Hi shucks46.

It seems that you left your wife and attempted to go straight into another relationship which you couldn't adjust to this new girl because you were still coping with the loss of your previous relationship. Geoff is right about staying single after a break up. It helps you to develop, to move forward with your emotions and to make yourself into the best person you can be.

Some people cannot stand being alone, due to their inner insecurities or past trauma, it's even hard for the ones who can, so do good to yourself and focus on you first. People forget that we are humans with feelings, it's never fair to become committed and then back out.

[geoff]

Hello Shucks, and thanks for getting back to us.

When we find our first love, the thought of not being in love again never enters our mind, but as soon as this relationship breaks up, then a multitude of different thoughts begins, nothing like we used to have, imaginary.

Love can be found again, but it's different from the first person you loved, you have learnt the good and the bad from this r/ship, but this doesn't mean that any of this will or will not work on another person, however, you may be more apprehensive.

Thinking in 'hindsight' can be a wonderful tool, but it can also cause problems, try not to let this happen.

Take care.

Geoff.