I'm posting on beyond blue because I have MH issues (C-PTSD, depression, anxiety, all that good stuff). I went from not having any coping skills at all - ex-gf even looking at jobs interstate would send me into a panic attack, couldn't handle even the slightest criticism from anyone without being a mess - to being much more resilient. She has some MH problems too but she's mostly treated and stabilised, a bit more functional and productive than me. I was upset when I dropped her at the airport a month ago, but I kinda expected that, and I was missing her pet cats too.
In the week leading up to the break-up, we were texting as we always have even when living together, but I had some hiccups not related to long-distance (didn't hear back about a job I really wanted), which put me in a really bad place, and I just wanted to talk to her about it, but she did a week of night shift, so I held on and reached out to others. Crying, feeling really low, having thoughts about dying, that kind of thing, part of my ups and downs that I've gotten much better at dealing with with therapy and medication. I was pretty distraught about some other thing on Wednesday and called because her I knew she'd be free, being apart wasn't great but again wasn't the main problem.
I bounced back a bit, but was feeling kinda needy and doing stuff I normally wouldn't like looking for a time to book flights to go see her, as I was somehow thinking it would keep up the momentum and we wouldn't drift? Hearing that LDRs tend to drift when there isn't a concrete end date was also playing on my mind too.
She said that for a while she felt like she's the only thing keeping me together and happy, but I had been making peace with her wants, go off and do things like see the world a lot more than me, work for MSF, and I don't want to feel like I'm responsible for holding someone back. If I'd known she was hoping space (physical, at least) would make her feel better about things, I probably would have backed right off, she's asked me to give her space in the past which I did with little problem.
A few days on, the only time I've been upset is when I was speaking to my sister, talking about our childhood, the source of the C-PTSD. Not a single bad feeling about all this, even though I'm a bit disappointed she's broken up with me, and I'm not trying to justify it as being "on a break" but a definite, ironclad break up. Is there something wrong with me?
