Lawyer that has lost her way

[Bell07]

Hey there,

For the past three months I have really been struggling. I have recently moved in with my boyfriend and since then I have become extremely depressed. He is in debt (about 80k) and keeps asking me for money when he is short. When he goes out to the shops he will spend money that he can't afford and wastes money on rubbish. Then once he has spent all of his money he makes it my problem to support him because he gets paid monthly. This stresses me out because when he does this I struggle to pay my own bills.

He is also really selfish. I feel as though I spend half of my time doing things for him around the house, from cooking, to whatever and he is never grateful. I am a Lawyer and I work long hours so when I get home I feel drained from working and having to attend to him. When I clean up, he leaves things everywhere and even makes out like I am crazy when I ask him to flush the toilet (mind you he is 35).

Also, when he is home, he watches copious amounts of TV and is constantly on the internet. I feel so alone even when we are in the house together. When I talk to him about how I feel lonely he manipulates me by telling me that I have mental health issues or that I am 'crazy'. He spends about 8 hours a day on the weekend watching TV and about 4 hours on a weeknight. One day I was sick and I got upset because he didn't offer to take me to the doctors and when I came home I found him in bed playing on his phone. I was upset all day because of this and he says to me, "I know what will make you happy, how about we go out and you buy me a Christmas present" (I was so disgusted).

Right now he is in England (despite the financial issues). I tried to end the relationship before he left but he convinced me not to. He said that he would contact me every day but he has not. I don't know what to do. I feel as though this person has taken my light away and that I am slowly dying inside. I tried to quit my job three times last week but my employer did not let me. I just can't deal with the stress and pain that this person causes me.

How can I approach this situation?

[Boo1986]

Hi Bell,

I hope you are ok, I feel very worried for you. It is so unfair for him to just blame your feelings on your mental health issues. Regardless of depression or anything, he is not treating you right and so your feelings are completely valid. It sounds to me like you could do so much better!! Reminds me so much of an ex-boyfriend of mine. I loaned him a lot of money... I think it was a bot over $11K before I put my foot down (my self-esteem was very low so I let him take advantage of me for far too long). When I broke up with him I knew I would never see that money again, but it was worth it.

It was very hard to do, but trust me, you don't need him... he needs you!!

If you are living together at the moment, I suggest either you kick him out or get your own place. Change any pins/passwords he might know for any of your accounts and credit cards so he can't use any more of your money. Get all of your bills together and cancel anything with both your names and change it just to your name for anything you still need, and cancel anything you don't need.

Give yourself some time to rest and recover and take the time to do things you enjoy. Limit contact with him as much as possible (I had to get an intervention order, if he won't leave you alone you may need to do this too).

When you are ready, find someone who is sensitive and supportive, and someone who is financially responsible!!

You deserve so much better, you are obviously intelligent and successful, you shouldn't have to put up with someone who doesn't recognise your needs and who is so selfish! Don't let him convince you that you deserve anything less, don't let him change your mind. Write down your thoughts before you discuss anything with him, and read what you have written after your discussion to check that any decisions you have made are in-line with what you thought originally, that way you can be sure he hasn't just manipulated you into backing down without you noticing.

Keep in touch here for any support you need,

Good luck xo

[pipsy]

Hi Bell. I get the feeling you know what to do, but need clarification before you make the final decision. I can't tell you what to do, all I can say is how I would feel and what I would do. There's no way I would allow myself to be used in any way, by anyone. He is trying to lay a massive guilt trip on you and this is not love or respect. How can he be in England with his lack on money? He has no conscience or backbone. Nor does he care about you. I suggest you get away before he comes back. Block your contact details, including fb if you have that service. You know the law with regards to your financial situation with him. I would also suggest a visit to your Dr for some mild relaxation meds to help you with relocating (should you decide to). You deserve someone who will love and respect you for who you are. Where you live, is it his place or yours? If it is yours, you are within your rights to evict him as he is not contributing to household expenses. Either way, get away from him, have some 'time out' to recharge and recuperate. Take care of yourself.

Lynda

[Apollo_Black]

I agree with what everyone's said. I'm always a bit cautious with what I say in the forum, however I'm going to say it.

It's a perfect time to bail. He didn't appear to see your point when he was around so just cut your losses. If you've moved in with him then hopefully it should be easy enough to bail out. Take the bull by the horns and bail. Block his number. Do whatever you have to do. Think of yourself. You're a successful person. You don't need him and his debt dragging you down. All it's doing is draining your life force. That's why people like him are called vampires. They drain you until there's nothing left. No wonder he didn't want you to leave, why would he? So you need to suit up and take action. Good luck.