Knowing I deserve better

Emma930 · ‎09-10-2019

I'm struggling. I moved towns 2 years ago now where all my friends cut me off and blocked me on everything. I have spent 1 and a half years so lonely and dying for friends. It is so hard to meet people as an adult and I was really struggling. I started a new job where I met a guy and spent 4 months talking to him. Looking back he wasn't a gentleman from the start and I should have left him. I was so very lonely and didn't want to lose him because I thought he made me happy. Genuinely believed he made me happy, I was 'happy'. He introduced me to him family and friends so I thought I meant something to him. I found out he cheated on me with my only friend and he begged for forgiveness. It broke me but I didn't want to lose him because then I would be alone again. This was my biggest fear. I was dumb and forgave him for him to tell me 2 weeks later that he doesn't want me anymore. He broke me. I was alone again. I kept texting him and made myself look so desperate trying to convince him to keep me around. Only to find out he found another girl. It has been a long month, I am struggling. I hate myself for the fact that I made myself seem desperate for him, I hate myself for the fact I kept him around because I was lonely, I hate myself for the fact I can't get him out of my head. I am trying so so hard to move on and every part of me wants to move on and be happy except my brain will not let me forget how 'happy' i thought i was. My brain convinces me i miss him but i don't. I just want to move on and be happy but I can't let the idea of him go for some reason, I don't know how to let go. I now have such a bad view towards guys. I had a bad ex before I moved and this situation hasn't helped. I am now scared to hang out with guys because I DONT want to be used again. In my opinion all guys are assholes. How can I move on? How can I not hate every guy in the future? How can I not get used again? How can I be happy in myself and on my own, I don't want to keep someone in my life again just because I am lonely? I just want to be happy....

white knight · ‎09-10-2019

Hi Emma, welcome

I'm sorry you are going through this situation. The short answer is "time" is the best healer. So let me give you the longer answer.

I've had 4 long term relationships including 2 marriages. My 2nd marriage is wonderful. The other 3, 7 years, 11 years and 10 years were all painful splits. The first I had a little step son, the 2nd two young daughters and the 3rd two step children. So it was the end of my 2nd marriage that I crumbled towards hell and back. After 8 weeks living in a caravan park I saw a block of land and set my sites on building my own house with my own hands. Suddenly I was too tired to think about my ex wife. I had stumbled on the secret to not thinking about her cruel means of using my kids against me- distraction.

So get busy, hobbies, sports, meeting new friends, go dating without commitment, volunteer at a lost dogs home or OP shop, expand your life because things tend to happen when you do.

I hope that helps.

TonyWK

WhiteBear · ‎09-10-2019

Hi Emma930,

It's definitely a tough time for you. It's really important that you look at this time like a wild storm that will pass. The thought of loneliness can be so cruel. I know from my experiences most of the time the thought is actually worse than the reality. You're putting your mind into a fight or flight response. The equivalent of thinking of a tiger lying in your living room waiting for its prey. This fear of loneliness will eat you alive. Its a never ending cycle. A turn table that you need to find a way to get off, but you're too frightened to face the fear. You believe you find safety in avoiding it, but it just prolongs the agony or puts you in a spot that's not right for you. You can't let the fear control your life. It will control you and you'll get hurt. Even worse it could eventually make you sick.

I've had similar fears. I eventually learnt to enjoy my time alone. I'm currently separated from my wife, alone living in an apartment. I only have a few friends. I discovered there was no tiger waiting for me. I learnt to let go of the nervous energy and focus my mind else where. Sure it will never be perfect. I worked on finding joy in my life, and accepted the universe is helping me to be stronger. Every one of the fears I struggled with, I faced and started to fix. Its a journey that I'm still fixing. My office job during the day is my time to connect with people rather than being stuck in my head. The biggest change for me was when I saw this journey as my purpose.

I really do hope this helps you to get better. I know you can do it! Look deep inside and research the cause of your fears.

Let me know how you get on.

WB

white knight · ‎10-10-2019

Hi Whitebear,

Just wanted to say- what a great reply.

TonyWK

Canopygod · ‎10-10-2019

I am going through a very similar situation atm. You have to remember and keep telling yourself that not all guys are the same. There are some legit people out there..

As for trusting again, that’s a tough one, and only time will help you out Same with moving on, in 12 months time you will look back at this and have forgotten all about him and how he betrayed you.

Being on your own is a hard and scary thing, which I will be watching your post, so hopefully someone can answer that