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Just separated wanted it but now he left instead

Community Member
Hi there,
After being together and married for 24 months I moved into our granny flat as I felt unloved in our marriage but stayed for kids.
My husband is not a bad person and I still loved him just not inlove anymore.
After moving he tried really hard to change my mind but I felt numb to his efforts. He stopped trying after a few weeks and we continued living this way for 8 months.
A few weeks ago he said he couldn't do this anymore and moved out to gain space from me although he said it was only for few weeks. Idk what his intentions are after that time frame. I felt so broken when he did and I asked for him to reconsider but he said he can't although he is extremely upset and on a emotional roller-coaster himself. He is emotionally exhausted he says. I know that once his mind is made up there's no going back. He now ignores my texts most of the time even if they are about the kids. I have said some horrible things to him out of emotion and apologise. Now I am trying not to do that and hide bitterness but he chooses what to respond too.
I now am so miserable, constantly crying and on a emotional roller-coaster. I also feel lonely and regret my initial choice to move into granny flat.
Idk if these feelings are genuine for the separation as initially I thought I was finished.
I'm so broken and miss him so much.
Please help if you can.
Thank you
3 Replies 3

Community Member
I am financially secure and not overly scared about moving on.
Is this normal to feel this way in every separation even if it's known it's not working anymore?

Community Member
Sorry 24 years not months.

Hi Chantel

I can't say what is normal, no one really can as everyone's experience is different. But 24yrs is a long time (thanks for clarifying it wasn't months I was a bit confused!), and you are bound to have mixed feelings.

I am myself going through a separation from my husband, 24yrs together 21yrs married. I am the one who has initiated it, and for a long time he simply didn't listen to what I wanted (story of our marriage really). Finally after 2.5yrs of counselling and a year of me saying I don't want to try anymore, he seems to have heard me and says he is planning to move out. On the one hand, I can't wait for him to go as the little things are driving me crazy, the feeling like I can't be myself in my own house. On the other, I know financially I'll be worse off after he goes and I have worries about that. And I'm not really sure how I'll feel emotionally either. When he first moved his stuff out of our bedroom (he's in another room still living under the same roof), I felt a weird sadness take over. All I wanted for years was to sleep on my own and now I was sad his alarm clock was gone! crazy. Then one day I wore his hoodie around the house so I could smell him (he wasn't home).

Still, I am 100% sure divorce is what I want. I've had a lot of time to think about it and I'm sure after 24yrs so have you. What you're feeling could be the normal grief associated with the ending of such a long relationship - it doesn't necessarily mean you want him back. Try to imagine how it would be if he did come back. Would things have changed from how they were when you moved into the granny flat? If things would go back to how they were before...how can that be what you want? Clearly you were unhappy enough to ask for separation, it takes a lot to get to that point after so long - believe me I know.

These are questions you can ask yourself. It might be that you do want to try again, but you should know that with certainty before you say anything to your hub and confuse the issue, maybe hurt him again. It could be you're scared, lonely and just missing the idea of marriage rather than the actual marriage. And yes I guess I would say that is 'normal'.

Please write back if you want to chat more