Just saying hi

[Marsia]

Hi to all, I am new to this community & want each of you to know how grateful I am for the open sharing & honest communication I read here. As I am new, I hope it is okay to share my story. To be brief, this is it - my hubby who drinks heavily shared 2 days ago that he tried to commit suicide about a year ago. The evening it happened, he had argued with me & my daughter and then he left the house late in the night. We didn’t know where he was for about 12 hrs and he yelled & abused us before he left that night. I was distraught not knowing his whereabouts that night & was frightened by the abuse & extreme emotions he displayed before he left. He came back the following day & was remorseful & said he regretted his actions. But he told us that he had spent the night in a nearby hotel. We believed him. The other day, due to a new stressor ( and when he was also drunk) he revealed to me that he had taken himself to the local hospital after he started to regret what he had done. While telling me, he was extremely emotional, erratic, distraught, abusive & drunk & told me that it was my fault that this had happened to him. There is more to tell but I am too upset to explain it all. The strangest thing is that he also got up the next day & went to work & now he acts as if all is okay. In fact, he said he feels fine now. I replied to him, that all was not fine but he has continued to go to work, talk to my kids (teenagers) & act as if nothing bad has happened. I am reaching out for someone who can help me - I have contacted a local alcohol & drug support service & they were lovely - I will contact them again soon. But there are many hours in the day, and I really would love to talk to one of you guys - that is, if someone is in a place where they think they can help. Thank you & blessings to all. Hugs to all xx

[Sophie_M]

Hey Marsia, welcome to the Beyond Blue forum. Thank you so much for having the courage to reach out to our community tonight, we know writing about such topics can be very difficult to do. We're so sorry to hear about your husband's suicide attempt, we can imagine hearing this news would've been such a shock and evoked a lot of anxiety. We can also imagine this would have broken a level of trust between you both and the fear you may now have around your husband's whereabouts. Although a difficult situation it appears you have taken some important steps to care for yourself including speaking with an alcohol and drug support service. 

Some of your husband's behaviors are concerning to us and may be a form of domestic violence, which can include psychological abuse.

We think it would be also worth contacting 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

If you feel up to it, we'd also encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to give you support as well as advice and referrals to help you.

Thank you again for reaching out. Hopefully, our community can offer their advice and some words of support. 

[geoff]

Hello Marsia, can I offer you a warm welcome and really appreciate your comment in your opening words, which must be an experience you wished had never happened, but when people consume alcohol to cope with difficulties or to avoid feeling bad it can be taken out on those they love.

I used alcohol as self medication when I was depressed, now it's been 12 months in sobriety.

It's good he was remorseful but that's not the answer because the problem may still exist, and I'm very sorry about his attempt but do understand that the consumption of alcohol in a heavy way can the presumption to his actions, and please I only say with the kindness of my heart.

Staying at the hotel would only be enough time for him to become sober, again that's not the solution and it's not particularly easy for a spouse to discuss his drinking with him without him believing it's another problem added onto whatever else he maybe suffering from, which he doesn't disclose.

Verbal abuse will affect you and your daughter and is of great concern and in this 'hi' thread can I please suggest you get some help and there are a few sites your daughter will benefit from 'Al-Anon' 1300 252 666, which my sons both talked to together, also Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800, webchat or phone, Reachout 1800 811 811, available 24/7, and Headspace 1800 650 890.

Please keep talking with us when you can.

Geoff.

[Marsia]

Thank you Geoff. It is very kind of you to reply. It is uplifting to know there are people out there who understand & are willing to share their stories too. I have already taken steps to help us move in the right direction & posting here has been one of the things that has helped today be a slightly better day. Thank you. You sound like a brave & wise person yourself & I wish you & your family all the best with your own journeys. Take care & thank you 🙏

[geoff]

Hello Marsia, thank you for your kind thoughts, it's always lovely to get responded to, whether the comments are different or if they are kind hearted because we learn something every day.

Even if you want to contact any local alcohol & drug support service when the situation is ok, because we learn and able to comprehend more when we are feeling better, rather than not.

I wish you and your family a Happy Xmas and please remember we are always here to talk with you.

My best.

Geoff.

[Marsia]

Thanks again, Geoff. Yes, since I am not feeling able to chat to other people (as in join in messenger chats with friends/ Facebook friends etc...) I may post here from time to time. I am not sure if my real world friends/ other contacts would be ready to hear what’s been going on for me & I am not sure how to explain anything to them anyhow. I have female friends whom I normally share most things with, but not sure I can this time. Even a simple ‘hi, hope everything’s okay’ message is hard to respond to. I would love to connect with a psychologist ( for myself) but unsuccessful so far in getting an appointment before January. Re his drinking- we’ve talked & he agrees he will stop. I have advised him to seek medical help around this first - as I understand about withdrawals symptoms etc...I hope it’s okay to ask you- but did you need to detox when you stopped? Or did you stop alone? I would rather he seek medical help first - he has a number of health issues anyway & I think he needs some level of support to stop. I’ve also said I want him to see a psychologist. Any advice around this Geoff? Kind regards, Marsia

[Sweesoft]

Hi Marsia,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story. You have come to the right place as the people here are nice and helpful. Feel free to open up anytime.

With regards to your situation, I think you did the right thing by seeking out help. Alcohol is a hard thing to deal with in marriage. It's one of the reasons why marriages fall apart. I think your husband needs you more as he deals with his drinking issue. Talk to him and convince him to go through therapy or any professional intervention that would help. Open up and tell him you need him to do this for you and the kids. Tell him how you feel, that you are worried and scared, and that you are desperate to make him feel okay. Make him see that it's the only way for the peace and happiness of your family.

Wish you well!

[geoff]

Hello Marsia, you can ask anything you like and I was often told by my doctor/psychologist that I should stop, and there were times when I did for various different reasons, (which I can tell you later on), but I was lucky I had no trouble in stopping, didn't have the tremors or shaking hands and no indication of withdrawal that certainly benefited me, because I know how difficult it is for other people, desperately trying to give up and feel so sorry if placed in this situation.

Please remember that your friends may already know about your husband, just by viewing and how he's behaving, so this might not be a secret, but perhaps they are too frightened to mention it, don't be afraid because they might be in a similar situation.

You don't have to disclose everything, but just send out some 'feelers' to see if they know, this maybe a relief for you.

If a heavy drinker says they'll stop, then there's only one way, no alcohol and none hidden to make them a cupboard drinker because they can't only have one drink, that's one too many and brings the situation back to stage one.

An alcoholic doesn't care about their health, their only concern is their next drink.

AA helps many people where they can personally get a sponsor from the group to contact when a situation develops, personally, I didn't like AA because all the people who regularly visit the group always tell the same story.

If you can copy and paste this in your search browser 'help for spouse when partner uses alcohol australia', because remember this involves and pulls you into this horrible situation, so unsure of your predicament.

I feel so sorry for you and hope you can get back to us, it's a long road ahead.

My best wishes.

Geoff.

[Marsia]

Hi Geoff, Thanks, I did type those keywords into Google & it is late as I type this, but I have read some of the results that come up with that search & it all resonates with me. I will read more in the morning. Gosh, I am so tired & even though several days have passed since this all happened I am still very raw, tired & at times emotional. Basically if it wasn’t Xmas right now & if I didn’t have a hugely kind, sweet teenage son (who is unaware of all that is going on) I would be worse off. And I also appreciate your communication & this forum’s opportunity to openly express myself. I am hanging in there. You’re right you know, about other people possibly knowing about his drinking - I am sure he has gone to work or appointments with the smell of alcohol on his breath. My other friends though, who have more to do with me, rather than him, probably don’t know. A few friends have sent me messages of concern recently & I have just have said that I am okay & that I am dealing with some difficult things at the moment. In time, I may tell them some details. Thanks for keeping in touch, Geoff. Good to know you didn’t go through withdrawals - maybe my husband won’t either. Thanks 🙏

[geoff]

Hi Marsia, I've just logged on so I'm here, just wanted to let you know before you go and I'll definitely be returning a reply after this.

Take care.

Geoff.