Just found out husband is cheating need help confronting him

[Jjosie78]

I've had suspicions my husband was cheating hes denied it all

We went out fri night i left early with our daughter he stayed out and came home at 1.30am he said he went to a club alone and met work mates. On sat in saw texts confirming he was at another womans house. Hes since deleted the messages I dont know how to confront him on this

I'm heartbroken and dont know where to go from here or how to face this

I shouldn't have been looking at his phone I know this but I just am at my wits end. I'm in a town with no family and no one to turn to

Any advice would be great

[white knight]

Hi and welcome

I can say a few things but any decision is yours.

You dont need your husbands admission to his guilt. If you are satisfied, thats enough.

Bare in mind it does help if you had photographed the texts from your phone but if you are satisfied make your decision when YOU are ready.

An alternative is counseling. Attending one will help with closure to. Start thinking of yourself now as low self esteem wont assist you.

My heart extends to you. A marriage separation is daunting but, when it finally happened to me after 11 years once I drove off I felt tremendous relief.

Take care

TonyWK

[Jjosie78]

I'm truly heart broken I'm sitting at work in tears trying to think of all I'm going to say to him

I love him so this just hurts so much right now

I feel so lost and alone

[Croix]

Dear Jjosie78~

I'm very sorry to hear of your discovery, it is a truly horrible thing to have to face.

There is always difficulty in believing someone you love can be underhanded and not value you, not be the support a partner should provide, not be truthful.

I'm not sure that this is the automatic end of a relationship - though it might well be. There is so much involved and you don't really say that much about how long you have been together or what has happened in the past.

Trying to do this all alone is a very difficult thing, I think if I was in your position I'd see a councilor straight away, someone you can talk with frankly and maybe gain a little comfort.

Maybe such talk may help you decide if you want the relationship to continue.

I guess it is going to be up to you to decide what you think should happen now. By the sound of it you are going to talk to him and not ignore the situation. May I suggest you do not get bogged down in arguments over what he did or did not do? If he attempts to deny it simply say you are not going to talk further until he tells the truth.

As for what to say, I guess maybe trying to find out if he values your relationship enough to change and look after you would -for me - be the most important thing.

Please come back and say how things are going, we do care and feel for you

Croix

[Jjosie78]

We have been together 16 years and married for 8 and have a little girl together so its not as easy as just walking away especially when I love him

He said its never been physical with the other woman and has promised that he wont see her again he text her a message saying its inappropriate and he wont be seeing her again as he doesnt want to lose his family over it

I'm just numb hurt and dont know what to believe

I feel so worthless

[smallwolf]

Hi Jjosie78,

I hope you don't mind if I throw my 2c worth in the ring for reflection. And as Croix said, I am sorry for what has happened to you and your relationship with your husband. But I will concentrate on your last post. It is OK for you not to know what to believe as your trust has been betrayed. Even though he said that he won't see her again you can never really be sure.

But this brings me onto the topic of forgiveness. It does not the take away the memory of what happened but might help you to move forward with your husband (or not). I cannot tell you what to do. From the book of forgiveness by Tutu daughter after the commissions in South Africa, describes 4 steps of forgiveness. The steps are naming the hurt, describing the hurt, forgiveness, and renewing or releasing the relationship. And it is not an automatic thing, and may take a long time to get from step 1 to step 4. The last comment I would make it is that in forgiving you are not forgetting or letting the other person off the hook. All you are doing is letting go...

Peace and good luck,

Tim

Tim

[Croix]

Dear Jjosie78~

Well I guess his texting is something.

I can see no way that you can be certain of anything at the moment, it is one of the injuries that has been done to you - taken away certainty and security.

The other of course is you feeling worthless. Sadly victims do feel this way. If a friend of your was in your situation would you see her as worthless, or simply someone that has been mistreated? You have done nothing to deserve this.

It is easy to say to yourself if ... I had been better, more amusing, sexier, a better cook, more patient, more ... well the list can go on for ever.

The point is in a partnership both people recognize the other is human and work with it, supporting, encouraging, helping, reassuring. To simply try somebody else in case they are nicer is a huge breach of faith.

16 years together is a long time, and a daughter together a most important factor.

I'm not suggesting what you do. I am suggesting if you decide to stay he has to do the repairing, all the time, permanently. It is OK not to trust, to be suspicious, to be incredibly hurt -and for this to last a long time.

Whatever you do try to have support, we are here, a face to face person would be better, family on the phone or Skype is a great help.

We hope to hear from you again soon

Croix

[Jjosie78]

I definitely feel like I need help and support I'm going to try and convince him to have counseling with me I don't know if he will agree to it as he doesnt believe in counselors but he needs to hear from someone else that what happened was inappropriate

Having a hidden relationship even if it isnt sex isnt on

I still dont know what to believe and feel its messing up my head so much and it's at times just hard to breathe....something I haven't ever experienced

[sdcher]

Hi Jjosie78,

I can’t give you any answers but I can assist you with what you are going through. Myself have been through the same experience but it actually went further and it was with a so called friend! that happened over 2 years ago and I still don’t know what to believe and it messes up my head!

‘I’ve only just written on a forum about it and found that people out there are willing to help out and give some much needed advice, even if it’s just to say that we are worthy and are not alone.

‘My dear, it’s very hard place to be and can become daunting, but with the replies I received, I feel like I can slowly move on and I will definitely be going to see someone about it.

‘If ur hubby isn’t up to going to counceling, maybe have a few sessions by yourself and then talk with him and explain to him that this is what you want and you need for him to attend to heal your marriage? That’s exactly what I did. It may not work for all men, but it’s worth a try.

Hope you find some healing

Shellie

[white knight]

Hi again

Jjosie, I have a belief with counseling. If your husband wont attend a counsrlor with you- go by yourself but, if and when he asks what happened thete, what was said, refuse to reveal.

He either goes or he isnt privy to the details.

By going alone you are proving to yourself that you are doing everything in your power to help matters. Very important in the future if guilt creeps in.

TonyWK